A Little While

Object Lesson: Partly Cloudy, Fully Disappointed

2011-07-15T23:44:00.023-04:00

I recently returned from a family vacation to the state of Washington. We started in Seattle, wound our way up through the Olympic Peninsula—Olympic National Park's mountain and Pacific vistas—across the Straight of Juan de Fuca to Victoria, Canada, before returning to Port Angeles, and then Seattle to see the extended family off.

My sister and I have quite a different approach to vacation. She has the daily itinerary planned, complete with confirmation numbers, a list of "must sees," and the like. Thank God for her. If it were up to me, we'd never see half the things she's researched and mapped out for the trip. That said, I don't feel I've officially had a vacation if it doesn't include at least one unplanned day that involves sleeping until I wake up without an alarm clock and seeing what kind of adventures are there to be discovered. So over time, I've learned to plan two days at the end of every family trip just to wing it without the rest of the group.

The Dream

This year's extra time was going to be spent at Mt. Rainier National Park. I was thrilled to discover just weeks before our trip that there was a room available at the National Park Inn inside the park itself, and I grabbed it. The inn's website features a YouTube video that shows the meadow across from the inn's expansive wooden porch, and just behind the meadow, Rainier's massive white peak glistening in the sunshine. I had no idea what we would do when we got there, but I was thrilled to have some time on the mountain again, and I pictured myself rocking on that porch with a cup of coffee as the sun rose over the peak.

The Promise

My first vacation to the Seattle area was in 2000, during which we made a day trip to Mt. Rainier. The skies were absolutely clear, a rarity for the park, and the sight of that majestic peak has stayed with me ever since. When Washington was chosen for this year's vacation spot, I knew Mt. Rainier would be on my agenda. As we flew into Seattle, we were again welcomed by a cloudless sky and the profile of the mountain towering behind the Seattle skyline. I was thrilled.

That evening, we traveled up the Space Needle—all 46 terrifying stories of it when you're afraid of heights—and were greeted by another spectacular vista with the mountain as backdrop.

As the week passed, the locals told us time and again what a rotten, cold, wetter-than-normal, spring it had been. The weather had cleared just in time for our arrival, and we enjoyed every minute of it. Time and again, I anticipated the time we would be spending within Mt. Rainier National Park. I just knew God had cleared the weather just for our trip.

So back to the end of the vacation... The extended family flew home, my son and I slept in, and now we had all day to make our way to the National Park Inn and explore this amazing mountain at our own pace.

From Bad to Worse

As we packed to leave the Seattle hotel, the day was a bit overcast, but it was forecasted to be only partly cloudy for the day. With the iPhone serving as GPS, Austin and I set out for Mt. Rainier with high hopes. The day became bluer and clearer as we moved into the early afternoon, but still no glimpse of the peak. Hmm—not what I expected but I was still not deterred.

We checked into the National Park Inn, headed out for our first nature trail, and then made our way up the mountain to the Paradise Visitor's Center, the highest paved point on the mountain. The hotel clerk told us that the high roads had just been cleared of snow within the past week, and that it might be tricky going, but we made it without incident. Snow still covered the mountain for most of the trip up, and several of the trails we'd planned to hike remained impassible due to the snow cover.

Along the way, we stopped frequently trying to catch a glimpse of the elusive peak, which had remained stubbornly hidden in the cloud cover. No luck. We could see some of the glaciers spreading down from Rainier's summit and the towering crests of the surrounding Cascades, but the peak remained hidden. This hide and seek game continued throughout the afternoon, and as the day progressed, the clouds descended further into the valleys.

Back at the National Park Inn, Austin and I enjoyed a wonderful dinner, then went out to the porch to watch the black-tailed deer that had crossed over from the meadow to graze. By this point not only was Mt. Rainier blanketed, but the peaks of the other Cascades had disappeared as well, down to the surrounding tree line.

The Parable

It was then that God showed me one of his object lessons. As I took in the cloud-shrouded meadow something occurred to me. If someone had been taken up to the park blindfolded, led to a rocker on the porch where I sat, and then asked where they were, only those familiar with the inn itself would have guessed they were sitting across from Mt. Rainier's peak. There was nothing visible to indicate we were in the mountains, much less on the most massive mountain in the Cascades. Given that scenario—taken blindfolded to the site—one would have to accept by faith that he or she was even there at all. One might even conclude that a joke was being played—after all, this could be the foothills of any mountain chain in the U.S., or even just a hilly region for that matter. The fact of the matter is, that one could be sitting where we were—actually on Mt. Rainier itself overlooking the shrouded peak—and never know there was even a peak around, much less a whole chain of them. In fact, one could resolutely refuse to believe the assurances of others in the group that the peak really was there, afraid of being played the fool or assuming it was just a ruse.

The Lesson

So how does all of this apply to where you are during the wait? Sometimes we have a dream to receive or experience something special in our lives, and over time we feel God's promise that this will come to pass. We may catch a glimpse of what is to be, receive a prophecy, or start down a path that seems clear and straightforward. Then somewhere along the way, when we should be getting closer to the fulfillment of the promise, attainment of the thing hoped for, things suddenly get very cloudy. Just when we seem to be arriving to the destination, life's storms blow in and shrowd the very promise that once appeared to be a stone's throw away. We hope, wait, and hold on, but rather than conditions improving, the clouds build and shrowd not only the promised land, but all of the surrounding countryside. Before long, we're left sitting in front of an impenetrable, mirky shroud of doubt that causes us to wonder whether we will ever actually reach the place of promise or whether we've come this far—made our escape from Egypt—only to "die in the wilderness."

Alternatively, maybe we've dared to dream, received the promise by faith, and then been taken blindfolded into an unknown land where we're assured by God that what we're looking for, hoping for, longing for is right in front of us. We simply have to believe enough to wait on the Lord to clear out the storms—the obstacles—standing between us and that summit. Will we wait, or will we fear being played the fool again (as we were before by others) or being part of some cosmic joke, and leave for a seemingly better destination, when we'd only needed to wait for the clouds to part so we could enter our land of destiny?

In Isaiah 43:18–19 (NIV, emphasis mine), our Father tells us: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."

We often get bound up in the experiences of our past and do not perceive the new thing that God is doing. We complain and fret about living with circumstances that are shrowded in uncertainty and we're often tempted to give up. But the Lord encourages us to allow him to give us strength and power so that we can withstand the wait:

"Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, 'My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God'? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:27–31 (NIV).

God's Timing

I never did get to see Rainier's peak while we were actually on the mountain, and I won't tell you that I was not disappointed. I prayed for God to blow away the clouds and the storm. I acknowledged his power to do so and fully believed he could if he wanted to. I waited, and continued to pursue a glimpse, but to no avail. The time came for us to drive back to Seattle to catch our flight home, and I had to accept that we weren't going to accomplish the primary purpose of our trip. I'd come all that way, seemingly for nothing.

Hope Renewed

As we got up the next morning and made our way to the airport, the weather was much worse than the previous day. The clouds had turned to showers, and the skies were dark. As our flight climbed heavenward, I was disappointed to hear passengers remark on the other side of the plane that they could see Mt. Rainier. This was seemingly my last chance of the trip, and I was missing it again while others were getting to enjoy the view. Even worse, the passengers across the aisle in my row had decided to watch a video and already had their window screens closed. Because of their disdain for the scenery, I was missing it too. Just my luck, I thought glumly.

Imagine my surpise when within minutes my son said he saw the mountain. I was sure he had to be mistaken, but while I had been sulking, we'd altered course and the peak was now visible from our side of the plane.

I watched in amazement as we passed by the mountain, able to grasp the majesty not only of the peak, but the surrounding rivers of snow and ice cascading from its summit. There was not one cloud in the sky.

In that moment I realized yet again that God's ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts higher than our thoughts. My dreams were realized of experiencing the beauty of the mountain on a much grander scale than I would have seen at ground level. It was only from his perspective—looking down from the heavenlies—that I was able to grasp all that was there, the extent of its wonder.

How like God. Though he had not worked things out according to my timing or plans, he worked them out none the less and gave me all I was hoping for and more. And he did it on what had started as the stormiest of days, when all hope had seemed lost for that trip. How like him to deliver on a promise and teach a lesson all at the same time.

While you wait on the Lord, don't give up on his promises to you, no matter how stormy your circumstances may get. The clouds don't change the reality of the promised land that you are standing on. Continue to wait on the Lord. Know that his plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future. Expect him to come through with exceedingly, abundantly above all you could ask or think. He's a good God and all good things come from him no matter how things may appear in the moment. When you least expect it, he'll part the clouds and reveal his majesty in a way that's sure to inspire awe. In the meantime, know that he loves you with an unfailing love and that his mercies endure forever.

Seven Years to the Day

2010-08-19T22:51:00.002-04:00

Here I sit seven years to the day since my divorce was finalized. I can't believe seven years have already passed. If you had asked me then what this day would look like, the reality I would have described would have looked nothing like this. Isn't that the way life is, though? Never what we expect. Sometimes worse, but usually much better.

So here is what I would tell you about these past seven years:

1. I am so much stronger than I was before. God has taught me that He is my provider, my protector, and my inspiration, and I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. During the past seven years, He has seen me through six mission trips to Russia, two professional positions, and restarting my own business. He's taught me that I could live peacefully and confidently on my own without having to rely on an earthly man to run the household (not that it won't be nice to have that man in the household some day).

2. Learning to use power tools is not rocket science. I've not only mastered an array of screwdrivers, plyers, and a hammer, but I've been pretty successful with a power drill as well. It comes down to being willing to try and fail. That's why God created spackle (or at least inspired its creation). In the spiritual realm, He called it mercy and grace. We're way too afraid of the "What if this doesn't go right or turn out like I planned?" to try a lot of what God has for our lives. One of the greatest gifts of suffering a catastrophe and recovering is experiencing the freedom that comes with knowing that anything that isn't fatal really can be used for your good.

3. God still enjoys showing off. I've been witness to my aunt's miraculous healing from a brain aneurism, my own instantaneous healing from a torn ligament around my right ankle, and several additional healings (including a woman with an issue of blood, a man with back and shoulder injuries, and another woman with severe allergies) for other people I've had the opportunity to intercede for. Wow!

4. God not only heals us physically, but He is a master restorer of relationships. He took what was a terribly broken, dysfunctional mess with my ex-husband, and created a successful co-parenting effort that works pretty well most of the time. (Let's just say it's a far cry from the days I cowered in fear and prayed that my then-husband wouldn't kill me.)

5. I've learned that having faith requires...well lots of faith. And prayer. And encouragement. And perseverance. And Jesus, lots of Jesus. In fact, more than anything else, Jesus. Real faith requires a vivid understanding, on most days at least, of just how much He loves each of us individually. We have to know that His promises are true because He is Truth. And when Jesus says that He will never leave us or forsake us, we know that this is true because He cannot lie. No matter who else leaves, no matter what other betrayal happens, He is sharing life - and life more abundantly - with us for all eternity.

6. God has used this time to allow me to rediscover who I am, the gifts He's given me, the dreams I'd long ago surrendered, and the endless possibilities of where He will take me in this life and on into eternity. Again, once everything you thought you were and wanted is ripped out from under you, you have the choice to see this as an opportunity for new possibilties. With God all things are possible, and He is able to do exceedingly above all that we could ask or imagine. Think big. Dream big. Have big faith, because you serve a big God!

7. Today is a gift from God, and I have to be intentional about seeing it that way. I woke up this morning because He had something to bless me with today as well as work to accomplish through me today. He already knew this day assigned to me and had a good plan for it. If I wake again tomorrow, it will be for the same reasons. With each day that comes I will have the choice to focus on the good of the day or to slog around in the muck and mire of difficult circumstances that cross my path. Don't get me wrong. Some days, I find myself slogging through the pit, but thankfully, God has greatly minimized my tolerance for being willing to stay there.

So here I sit. Seven years to the day since my divorce was finalized. I feel good, really good about how far God has brought me. And I am oh so excited about where He is taking me. Who knows where that will be? Who knows everything He has planned? I don't know, but I trust the One who does.

Power in You

2010-08-06T13:16:00.003-04:00

From my journal, August 4, 2010

This was a word of encouragement the Lord spoke over me that I think is appropriate for all of His children. I pray that it will build you up and give you hope!

“I love you with an everlasting love. My power lives in you and cannot be carried off as the ark was carried off in the day of Eli. Do not fear. I am always with you, in you, surrounding you. Do not despair when you face challenges. Do not give up when you feel weak—give in to my power. Surrender yourself—your ideas, goals, dreams—to me. Surrender your plans for the future. Seek first my kingdom, and all these things will be added unto you.

You are not rejected but protected. Stand firm and do not let the enemy re-conquer the promised land that you have taken. Do not surrender to fear or depression or hardship, but revel in my miracle-working power that is working in you, through you, and around you.”

Deep Calls to Deep

2010-07-30T19:01:00.007-04:00

"Deep calls to deep" is a phrase that the Lord has been speaking over me for a couple of months now. On Sunday, I was inspired to pen this poem.

Deep Calls to Deep

In the stillness of the chaos hides the quiet of the deep
stirred and stirring, cool and dark
tucked away beneath the waves
that blow and drive and toss about.

'Neath the surface—'neath the current
in the stillness of the deep
is a solace in the quiet—is a silence
quite complete.

Shadows comfort, seldom broken
by light's harsh, intruding glare—
life imagined—fast unfolding
moving, tossing, tumbling, rare.

In the stillness of the deep
in the quiet of its slumber
calls another to its other
draw closer now, draw closer still.

One spring comforts, fills another,
joins together, bubbles up
breaks the surface, braves the storm front
billows forward—forms as one.

“When” Times

2010-06-15T07:08:00.017-04:00

Is it just me, or do you often find that the reality of life has a way of running over the religious doctrine that teaches that, if you’re a Christian, life will always be good or that even if it's not good, you need to pretend that it is? Oh, it’s not often stated that directly, but challenging times, times that make us wonder whether we really are alone in the world, doubts and despair, are often quickly dismissed by well-meaning Christians who interpret these feelings as a lack of faith or spiritual immaturity.

Here’s the truth of the matter, straight from Jesus: “In this world you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world."

You and I need to know that. There’s power in knowing that. Why? Because often when we have trouble the enemy starts to work on us. Are we in sin? Where did we mess up? What did we do that we shouldn’t have done or not do that we should have done? Yes, sometimes, we are in sin, or we have messed up, or we’ve been lazy or acted when we shouldn’t have. Sometimes we bring trouble on ourselves. But a lot of times, we just have trouble. It’s just a part of life. Things break. People fail us purely out of their own humanity. We get caught up in natural disasters or economic crashes completely not of our making. What then?

Not If, but When

I call these the “when” times, because it’s not a matter of if we will face difficulties but when. These “whens” are coming, so what do we need to know about them when they do?

“But now, this is what the LORD says—he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior …’” Isaiah 43:1–3 (NIV)

The Message paraphrase puts it this way: “But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel: ‘Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end—Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior.’”

In the “when” times, you and I can know that God is with us as our savior, redeemer, provider, rescuer—anything we need. That’s where the “take heart, I’ve overcome the world” reminder comes into the picture.

You Are Not Alone

Joshua, Moses’ right-hand man, was in a “when” time. Lots of them as a matter of fact. But this particular “when” came with a huge amount of responsibility, pressure, and risk. After wandering around the wilderness for 40 years with Moses and millions of doubting, recently freed Israelites, Moses died.

The figurehead of the nation, the man who sat with God and came back with the Ten Commandments—not once but twice—was gone. The leader through whom God had worked countless miracles of deliverance and provision died, and they didn’t even have his bones to bury, because the Lord took him and buried him in an unknown place.

The Israelites grieved for 30 days, and Scripture records: “Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the LORD knew face to face, who did all those miraculous signs and wonders the LORD sent him to do in Egypt—to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land. For no one has ever shown the mighty power or performed the awesome deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel” Deuteronomy 34:10–12 (NIV).

So here’s Joshua. His leader—the nation’s leader, unsurpassed prophet and miracle worker—is dead. And who gets to lead the millions who’ve been doubting, murmuring, and complaining, and are now grieving, into the Promised Land? Joshua. Thanks for that, God. No pressure there. This is the same land that was filled with giants in the spies’ report 40 years ago. That’s not changed. It’s still occupied territory. This is an exponentially challenging “when” time.

God understood this. He knew that Joshua was facing a difficult—impossible in his own strength and wisdom—proposition. God knew that Joshua was afraid and doubtful of their chances for success. How do I know this? Because God took the time, not once but three times, to build him up and assure him that God was right in the middle of this “when” and they were guaranteed the victory.

The third time, God said, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” Joshua 1:9 (NIV).

If you’re in a “when” time that seems overwhelming and unsalvageable, I encourage you to read the book of Joshua and all of the ways that God showed out during the “whens.” I promise, you’ll be inspired. But for now, here’s what you need to know about this story:

“So the LORD gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. The LORD gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; the LORD handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled,” Joshua 21:43–45 NIV.

Oh, yeah, the people of Israel experienced some “when” times. They met dirt, grime, war, hardships, and defeats along the way to the Promised Land, but when it was all said and done, they had complete victory.

Know This

You, too, will endure some "when" times, but with God—who goes with you anywhere you go—you are empowered with everything you need to handle them: You are more than a conqueror. The one who is in you (God’s Spirit) is greater than anything you may face in the world. No weapon formed against you will prevail. God will never leave you or forsake you.

Because of your faith in Jesus, you are God’s child. And if you and I, who are human, know how to give good gifts to our kids, how much more does God know how to give good things to us when we ask?

Lastly, maybe you’re not the one in a “when” time, but someone you love is. In addition to your prayers for them, what do they need from you? “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15 (NLT). Be there for them through their doubts and fears. Laugh with them and cry with them. Encourage them about the victory that will come through God’s faithfulness and power despite the “when.”

“In this world you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world." That victory is not a matter of if but when!

Girl's Got Some Issues

2010-06-03T20:06:00.016-04:00

It was three o'clock in the morning, and I remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting in his mother's den, I was frantic that Rob (my then-boyfriend, now ex-husband) was not home and had not called. As I cried to his mother and wondered aloud whether we should call the highway patrol and the emergency rooms, she seemed surprisingly noncommittal. Did I really think that something had happened to Rob? She supposed that he was just out having a good time with friends.

"No," I fervently protested. "That's just not like him not to call." I was only 19 or 20 at the time and didn't realize then all of the scared, lonely nights that lay before me. The reality was that he was out with friends having a good time that night and had not thought to call. In the years to come, it became "my" issue. Didn't I know better than to think he was dead in a ditch somewhere?

Over time, the problem escalated to the point that despite my worry for him, I did believe that it was more likely than not that he would make it home sometime late into the night, extremely intoxicated and not in the least sorry for the concern that he had caused. As the years went by, my fear was slowly replaced by anger and bitterness that were kept at bay on all but the worst nights when he'd come home drunk and amorous and not wanting to accept no for an answer.

This came to an abrupt end three years into our marriage with a phone call I received in the middle of a sunny, hot Texas afternoon. "Ask your husband about Diane," was the first thing the anonymous caller said.

"What?"

"Ask your husband who he was with last night."

"Who are you and why are you calling here?"

"Because I think you should know that your husband was out with Diane all night."

I stood there shocked and appalled as the caller hung up. In the midst of all my previous feelings of fear and anger, it had never occurred to me that Rob would actually be out with another woman. I know that sounds naive, but despite any other issues, we were really good friends who enjoyed each other's company and an active, adventurous sex life. What reason would he possibly have for stepping out with someone else?

When Rob returned home that evening, he answered my questions with, "Don't be ridiculous. I may have been dancing with girls at the club last night, but I wasn't out with anyone." Pressed further, my fears were deemed "crazy," and I was warned not to become one of "those controlling, obsessive wives."

To my credit, the latest escalation was enough to make me demand we go to marriage counseling. It was a grueling, weekly process with each session ending in a near-migraine headache. Rob stood his ground. He was not having, nor had he ever had, an affair.

Life-Changing Phone Call

After nearly six months in marriage counseling and sober, responsible, repentant behavior on Rob's part, I came to the conclusion that we were ready to phase out of the counseling. There hadn't been any more anonymous calls, unexplained debit charges, or late nights out. Rob was as attentive as he had been when we first started dating.

And then the break-through bleeding started. At first, I chalked it up to the stress of graduate school, but when the issues continued, I made an appointment to see my gynecologist. Dr. Casanova's office (yes, that was his real name) called me at work with the news that I had Chlamydia. Thankfully, Chlamydia is a curable STD. Let me qualify: The physical symptoms are curable. The emotional after-effects of being infected with an STD by your husband last years after the antibiotics have killed any bacteria.

I sat in my office, mouth agape, as I asked the doctor's office to explain again my diagnosis. Was it possible that I had been infected prior to my marriage, more than three years ago? No. Was it possible that I could have contracted it from some public place, like a restroom? No. The facts were these: I had been in what I thought was a committed relationship for more than seven years (three of those married), and during that time, the man I was committed to had exposed me to an STD.

We've Got Something We Need to Talk About
Rob arrived home from work to find me waiting at the kitchen table that evening. "We've got something we need to talk about," I said quietly.

"What?" the abrupt response.

As I told him the news from the doctor's office that day, he looked at me without flinching and said, "So who have you been screwing around with, because I don't have any disease!"

I'm quite sure it would have stung less to have him punch me in the face than to hear those words. Rob was the only man with whom I'd ever had sexual intercourse. Within a matter of hours, I'd been forced to face the fact that not only was that not true for him during the course of our marriage, but that he was going to try to blame me for this.

For once, I got angry. Furious. When he realized that I was not about to accept that, he made his way back to our bedroom. Still sitting at the kitchen table, crying quietly now, I heard a distinct noise. Sprinting back to the bedroom, I found him sitting on the side of the bed with a gun, cocked, against his temple. Tearfully, Rob admitted that he was the one who'd had the affair but swore that it had been a one-night stand. (I've never understood how that was supposed to make it better, even if I'd believed—even then—that it was the truth.)

Within a matter of weeks, he was battling an issue that appeared to be cancer of the lymph nodes, and I retreated fully into co-dependent, nursing role. Following surgery, recovery, and a good prognosis, we decided to reconcile. We traveled to Las Vegas on our wedding anniversary and renewed our vows at Graceland Wedding Chapel with an officiant who was dressed as Elvis. (Yes, really...) Life leveled out and stayed on what seemed to be a pretty even keel until I became pregnant with our son.

The Reader's Digest version of the story is this: With Austin's birth came Rob's jealousies for my time and attention and the old drinking behaviors. Within two years, he was staying out again, and all of the red flags were back about extramarital flings. This time, however, things were worse. He now became obsessed with the idea that I was having affairs, that men were hitting on me, that I was looking for a reason to leave him. After 12 years of marriage, and another failed attempt at marriage counseling and reconciliation, I came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do was divorce. The terror and difficulty of those times have been discussed in other blog posts, but the last straw came one night when he broke into the house, and I thought he would kill us both.

The Ghost of Terror Past

Flash forward seven years and an emotional and spiritual lifetime. Here's why I'm sharing this ancient history with you. Because, to my dismay, the feelings of those memories are not quite so ancient. Surprise (and not a good one)!

"John" and I have been developing a friendship for a little over a month now. I really like him and respect him. He's kind, brilliant, and gentlemanly with a dry wit. I enjoy time spent with him, and I can imagine us developing a lifelong friendship—or more.

We've now been out as friends on several occasions, and we often text late into the night just sharing life with each other. In all regards, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, it would be impossible for him to be any more different from Rob.

Last week, I was on a family vacation to Mexico for the week. I returned Sunday afternoon, and that evening and the next, we resumed our routine of texting late into the night. Tuesday was my first day back to work, and celebrating the end of the day, I sent him a text to proclaim that I'd survived and to inquire about his day. No response.

As the evening progressed, I started to feel a spiritual heaviness for him (not relating to the two of us but to him particularly). I've been given the gift of intercessory prayer so it's not unusual for me to begin to feel a real burden for someone. By nine that evening, I was so concerned that I sent him an encouraging email and pasted in one of my blog posts (about God bringing life to the dead areas in our lives) as a pick-me-up. No response.

By the next afternoon, the old panic was back. I sent another text—with a funny, light tone—asking him to let me know that he was okay. No response. Thirty minutes later, I called and left a short voice mail, expressing the same concern and request. No response. The fear that began to grip me was distracting. "John" lives by himself. While he's in good general health, he does have high blood pressure. What if something had happened? What if he was hurt or injured and there was no one there to help?

Suddenly all of the old scripts began to play in my head. He's off with another woman. He's drunk somewhere or in trouble with the law. (Rob had three DUIs in an 8-year span.) I had absolutely no reason to think any of these things. He's not had any behaviors to indicate that he would do these sorts of things. The reality was, here were old hurts for which I still need to receive healing. Ouch!

Let's Get Real

Around six o-clock that evening, "John" texted to let me know that he was out of town working in Pensacola. He had received my Facebook message and "had no time to process and respond." He apologized and wished me well for the day. Of course, he had mentioned to me on Monday that he was trying to pull a work trip together to the Panhandle. This was not his issue. It was mine.

As I related this to a Christian girlfriend of mine, she reminded me of one of the passages that God keeps bringing to mind in this process: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" (Phillipians 4:8, NIV).

As this relationship develops, time and again, I've had to remember these two things:
(1) Satan is a liar, the father of all lies, and there is no truth in him. Of course, he'd like nothing better than to destroy a beautiful friendship with fear and doubt.
(2) God is faithful. I don't trust myself to make relationship decisions yet, and I don't know "John" well enough to trust him. But I do trust God to lead me where I should go in this, to speak to me about His will for me, and to work all things together for my good.

Who would have thought that receiving the very thing you've been waiting on for seven years might demand more faith than the wait itself. Thankfully, God is with me—and you—every step of the way!

Intruder Alert!

2010-05-15T21:12:00.014-04:00

"Shields up! Shields up! Intruder alert!" (Sirons blaring in the background...) That insidious alarm has been replaying in my head since a little over a week ago when I first met a man I will refer to as “John.” But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Protected Not Rejected

Perhaps you've read some of my earlier posts where I've talked about the deal God and I have. Me to God, "I don't want to date until you're ready to send me a godly husband. I don't want just any man; I want the man."

A couple of years into this conversation, after I'd not received even an invitation out to coffee with a man—and I'd not been hiding in my house that whole time—I got frustrated and demanded of God, "What am I...a troll?"

His response, "Do you want to date or not? Because you told me that you don't want to date."

Silence. My reluctant, "You've got a point." (Picture pages flying off a calendar as years go by.)

If you had asked me two months ago (and seven years separated/divorced) whether I was ready for God to bring this to pass, I would have given you a very snide "duh" and an eyeball roll as a response. Imagine my surprise when even the thought of someone who could possibly be that man entering my life sent me into panic.

This Is Not a Drill

Before going any further, let me throw in one disclaimer to the story. I am not expecting that a couple of dates and a few weeks into the process have established that my godly future husband has suddenly appeared. “John” is a Christian, very intriguing, intimidatingly intelligent and gifted, and a gentleman. If this new friendship were one day to develop into a marriage that God put together, that would be wonderful. But regardless of what happens with this specific situation, the first thing it did was shine a prison-break spotlight onto some areas of my life that I thought were healed.

The aforementioned panic alarm: I haven't heard such wailing and carrying on since I was in the throws of my divorce.
Vain imaginations: “John” called one evening to describe the beautiful sunset he was seeing on the way home. He then went on to talk about talented musician friends of his with whom he'd spent the day. As he was saying this, the alarm siren changed to: "He's been off smoking pot and having sex with wild women all day?" “John” was describing the lake, swans, sunset, and all of the beauty around him, and I'm buying a bottle of wine to deal with the fears about what he's really been up to that day. Irrational. The only saving grace was that I knew such thoughts were ridiculous as they were careening around my head, but that didn't stop them.
Inability to sleep: If I get to sleep, I don't stay asleep. When I am asleep, I'm plagued with worrisome dreams.

Calling in Reinforcements

To my credit, it only took a few days of this before I decided enough was enough. I called my pastor and asked to meet that afternoon. He is well aware of the vast history of betrayal on every level of my marriage and the terror I lived with at the end and through my first two single years after divorce.

Gene listened quietly as I sobbed my way through a recitation of some of the worst of it before reiterating the non-dating agreement with the Lord. When I had finished, he smiled and kindly remarked: “When did you make a vow with the enemy that you were never going to let anyone get close to you ever again? That you would never let anyone in to hurt you again? Because you may have declared that as a temporary relief to your pain, but Satan took that as a contract. If you are going to move forward in a relationship, and I don't think that God has called you to a life of singleness, then you are going to have to be willing to renounce and repent of that vow.”

I was shocked at the truth of his remarks. I had made that vow. Every day for months on end as I went into survival mode in that marriage. Even more days as I transitioned through the divorce. There is was, and it was clear. That was exactly what I had done.

Should Be Simple Enough to Fix

Problem recognized. Solution identified. Implement solution. Live happily ever after.

That's not how it went. Problem recognized. Solution identified. Recoil from idea of even considering renouncing that vow. Beyond the emotional jolt, the physical reaction those words caused in me left me sitting there in silence for a moment. I finally responded, "I can't pray that right now. I'm too afraid of what that will mean. But I am willing to pray for the courage to renounce it."

So that's where we started. We prayed for the courage to renounce the vow.

Work in Progress

I share this with you to say that once you've been wounded in a divorce, it's not uncommon to want to protect yourself from such deep hurt ever again. Stop and consider your own situation: Have you made such a vow? Have you effectively walled yourself off from the blessing of any future mate God wants to bring into your life? Maybe, like me, even the thought of renouncing that vow is too difficult. But you can also pray for the courage to do so. God is willing to go with you one step at a time.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9 (NIV). Like Joshua, sometimes the scary places that we need God to walk with us in are actual physical locations, such as into a mission field. But many times, they are emotional places, old memories, current insecurities that are still rooted in the dark places that we may not even be aware of.
Trust God with those dark places. Let Him shine a light into that darkness and drive out any fear. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV).

Knowing Who to Trust

As for me, the alarm bells have been silenced for the most part. Every now and then, they start back up, but at a much quieter level. When they begin again, I go back to God with this prayer: “I don’t yet trust my ability to make a sound choice regarding a man. And I don’t yet know ‘John’ well enough to trust that he could be that choice. But I do trust you, Lord, and I choose to focus my mind on that trust."

No matter where you are in your own journey, as believers we all have this in common: We are all called to live by faith and not by sight and to depend on the Lord step by step. Let's keep stepping and watch and see where the Lord leads us. It's guaranteed to be somewhere great!

Life Blooms Again: An Object Lesson

2010-05-02T20:24:00.014-04:00

Have you had some areas in your life that have just seemed dead lately? I don't mean dry or stale or even tired. Dead. As a doorknob. Maybe it's a dream that you now feel too old to fulfill. (Three words: Sarah and Abraham.) Perhaps it's a relationship that was once vibrant and has now disappeared or been corrupted or spoiled. (Prodigal son.) I don't know about you, but I've certainly experienced that lately. That's why I really appreciated one of God's most recent object lessons, and I thought it might give hope and encouragement to some of you, too.

From my journal, April 27, 2010

Thank you, Lord, for your continued presence in my life even when I am distant and dry and self-absorbed. Thank you that over the past couple of weeks, you've brought the hosta on my front porch back to life.
Lord, I have not missed your symbolism there. That plant was dead. There wasn't a speck of green on it, and the only reason it was still there was because I had not taken the time to dump out the dirt and start over. When it first started to grow again, I thought weeds had taken root in the pot. Within a matter of days the first two leaves sprouted, and now a couple of weeks later, the whole plant has grown back more lush and beautiful than ever. God, thank you for bringing life out of the dirt of our lives—my life. Thank you for constantly creating something out of nothing.

Help me to hear your voice clearly as I go about today. Lord, what would you have me to know today?

(Here's what I heard in my spirit...) I love you with an everlasting love. You are mine and I am yours forever, and nothing —and no one — can snatch you out of my hand. Just as I resurrected that plant, I am resurrecting the places in you that once seemed dead. See it. Know it. Accept it by faith. Your faith has not been in vain. Dance with me today in your spirit on our beach. Dance with me and let me hold you close in joy.

The Lesson

As I write these things, I recall a portion of scripture that God has pointed out to me on more than one occasion: "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land." (Song of Soloman 2:11–12)

Take heart, dear one. Your redeemer lives. The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He is the resurrection and the life. If there's something in your life that needs fresh life breathed into it, take it to him. He is the one that can make those dry bones live. Out of the dust He created us. Out of the tomb, He called Lazarus back to life...four days dead and stinking. Whatever that dead place is, take it to Him and ask Him to resurrect it, new and better than it was before. Let Him heal it. He loves you, and He came that you might have life and have it to the full! Let Him bring spring where there was once only winter.

Experimental Victory

2010-04-26T18:02:00.008-04:00

Seems I’ve been too busy to blog lately, and I’ve missed it. After a friend called me on it Thursday night, I decided I had to make the time to write an update. After all, it’s not every day that we get to celebrate big victories. And this has been huge.

For those of you who’ve been following along, in late January, I felt the Lord challenging me to a 90-day basic training program. As a brief recap, it involved practicing purposeful thanksgiving, starting each day in God’s word, taking on some kind of organizational project, and getting in a little movement (exercise) each day. The goal was not to be perfect or to accomplish a certain amount (or devote a specified quantity of time) each day; the goal was to be consistent and persistent. As it says in Proverbs, “Committed and persistent work pays off."

What seemed at first to be nearly impossible (i.e., fit additional to-dos into a schedule already bursting at the seams), actually made daily life so much more manageable. At the end of the 90 days (on April 18), I looked back and marveled at all that had been accomplished!

Take, for example, the organizational projects in my house. I got more done in those 90 days than I had in all of 2009. Why? Because I tackled projects little bits at a time, and all those little bits added up into big successes.

The Bible speaks to this notion too. When the Israelites were so anxious to see the Temple rebuilt, the angel of the Lord spoke to Zechariah about having patience in the process. As he said, “The people should not think that small beginnings are unimportant. They will be happy when they see Zerubbabel with tools, building the Temple” (Zechariah 4:10, NCV).

The best thing to come out of this experiment for me was the realization that I didn’t need to have hours of extra available time on any given day in order to get things done.

So What Was Accomplished?

Lots. For one thing, I did more sit-ups, aerobics workouts, and walked more miles than I had in ages. I had a consistently better attitude and spent less time worrying and more time praising. And in terms of organization, over those 90 days, I managed to clean out and organize the garage, my office, my master bedroom closet and vanity, the entry way, the pantry, the fridge, and both medicine cabinets among other smaller projects! I also installed a light fixture that had been stored in my garage for the past year because I was waiting to hire a handy man to do it. Budgets are tight right now, and all of the success I was realizing on these other seemingly overwhelming tasks spurred me on to complete the installation myself.

This momentum has carried over since the end of the official 90 days. I’ve changed out the bathroom mirror, finished glazing over the paint in the kitchen, and have purchased the paint supplies for the bathroom remodel.

The Next 90

I don’t know what areas God’s going to have me tackle next. I do know this: “His yoke is easy, and his burden is light.” I’m looking forward to seeing what comes next.

So what areas in your life have you been avoiding? Which tasks or goals just seem overwhelming? I would encourage you to try this approach of taking small, consistent, persistent steps, and see where you get 90 days down the road. One more tip: Print out and keep a simple chart to track your progress each day. This added accountability step only adds a couple of minutes to the process but is a huge help to maintain that forward momentum.

Remember: You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! As a believer, the Spirit who raised Christ from the dead is at work in you. I bet there's not a project on your list that's tougher than that!

More Than Church

2010-02-23T18:17:00.009-05:00

After a wonderful, refreshing women's retreat, I returned home to the chaos of parenting a tweener and some four-legged children. Let's just say the afterglow of the weekend has vanished—quickly! Too funny that the morning devotional that fell on today's date was about avoiding the dangerous pit of self-pity. How does God know that today—all day—was going to be a day of continually reminding myself of this admonition?

One of my friends and prayer partners called me around mid-day to ask whether I thought it was okay that she step away from the challenges on her home office computer and check out for the rest of the day. Yes, of course. Sometimes we need to do that. I then shared with her my own struggles along with a painful prayer request that was heavy on my heart.

Thank God that we can do that...that He invites us to cast our cares on him because he cares for us. For those of you who have been wounded by a church, and have since cut yourself off from anything to do with God (I've been there), know this: the God who loves you, the Jesus who died and rose again with the keys to death, hell, and the grave, invites you to come boldly before his throne of grace to make your requests known.

The poem that follows was contributed by someone who wanted to share her heart about being real with God. I hope it will encourage you to be daring and try this for yourself. He welcomes it!

"I Can Be Real" — Contributed by Kim McDougal

The shoes are off, lights are out and I'm all alone with you
You, who are the only real thing that never changes
And so when my soul aches and my eyes burn with fire
I know I can turn to you for solace.

The air around me is thin and chokes me about the neck
Still my comfort and peace lie deep within
And when no one has the right words to speak
I can be silent with my mouth and talk to you from my heart.

I can be real with you, let my hair down
Throw a fit, get angry and vow to never speak again.
I can tell only you my inner struggles
Express my hatred for pain and suffering.

I can cry my eyes out, cry in fact an ocean in my pillow.
I can scream to the top of my lungs all the way up the hilltops.
I can pray for hours to nothing but silence
And yet, deep down I know you alone hear me.

My words don't go unnoticed by you.
My tears don't make you ignore my pain.
My silence doesn't make you give up on me.
Thank you, Lord Jesus, that I can be real.

Progress Report: 90-Day Journey

2010-02-04T15:23:00.005-05:00

Yesterday marked 16 days that have passed since I kicked off the 90-day basic training experiment. (To recap, I'm doing four things each day: 1. Purposeful thanksgiving. 2. Starting in Scripture. 3. An organization project. 4. Some type of exercise/movement.)

As I related to the church small group I meet with on Thursday nights, I've been thrilled with the results. So I'm sharing this update to help encourage any of you who've been thinking about the daily steps you'd like to take to help get you to where you want to be by the time the next New Year rolls around. Here's what I'm learning along the way.

1. Consistency is liberating.
I have to admit, when I first considered adding four steps to what I needed to accomplish each day, I thought "Great! Just what I need...another four things to cram into an already overcommitted day." But what I've discovered is that consistently implementing these steps has actually been very freeing.

For example, before starting this experiment, I'd look around the house and think, "I need to get my house organized," but I didn't know where to start, and I never had countless free hours to devote to the process. However, by taking on the goal of completing one organizational task a day, I've made huge progress. Some days, I spend five minutes on a project (such as sorting mail so that it doesn't stack up). Other days, I've had the time to do a much larger task like cleaning and organizing my bedroom closet. I don't worry about what I'm going to get done each day. I just take whatever time I have, and pick one thing I can finish during that time.

2. Checking off these four items each day is very personally satisfying.
Instead of going to bed each night fretting about what didn't get done that day, I feel deeply satisfied about the things that I did accomplish. Since I've taken the time to note them on my checklist, I can look at those items and know that I invested a little (or a lot) of time in the things that I wanted to accomplish that day. (In other words, the day wasn't just about what I finished for work or as a mother, but about making progress toward completing some things that are important to me personally.)

3. Success is cumulative.
The first day of this journey, I unpacked suitcases and got toys and laundry put away. Since then, I've cleaned off a corner of the kitchen bar that's been a catchall for miscellaneous junk for months (probably years) now, sorted and tossed expired medicines, and decluttered and organized my bedroom closet so it's a walk-in again, among other things. In nearly every room of my house, I can now tell a noticeable difference from the organization projects, and that feels awesome! I can't wait to see what all will be accomplished by the end of this 90 days!

As for exercise, I've done more crunches, strength-building exercises, yoga stretches, aerobic routines, and power walks then I had completed in the past three months combined. I can feel it in my energy level, my stress level, and how my clothes are fitting. What's not to love about that?

Step by Step
Looking back over these past couple of weeks, how like the Lord to suggest this 90-day training program of incremental steps—projects—to me. As it says in Psalm 37:23 (New Living Translation), "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."

While it's my nature to want to craft a 5-year plan that prepares for every contingency along the way and is too enormous to be manageable, it's God's way to direct me to follow his leading each day, each step along the way. And wouldn't you know, His way is getting results and bringing peace, rather than extra burden, along the way!

90 Days of Unusual Glory

2010-01-20T20:31:00.003-05:00

As a follow-up to yesterday's post, here's the word that Bishop George Davis, Faith Christian Center, read on his January 17, 2010, broadcast about 90 days of unusual glory. (I wrote this word out while I watched, rewound, and rewatched the recording, so any errors in transcription are mine.)

“There is an unusual glory that is available for whosoever will believe. There’s an unusual glory that will manifest for those who put their full trust in me. There’s an unusual favor that will open doors for you that no man can shut. There’s an unusual mercy that will hold back the flood of judgment. There’s an unusual peace that will take you through circumstances you never thought you could face. There’s an unusual wisdom that will lead you into directions that will prosper you beyond your imagination, so extend your neck with expectation and extend your heart with obedience.

Dare to believe that what I have spoken and what I have declared will indeed come to pass. Dare to trust that the impossible dream has just become possible. Dare to believe that I am bringing the resources to bear to accomplish all that I have spoken for you to do, for the next 90 days will bring a season of good things happening for you that you would never have believed had I not told you in advance. But it will require you to sweep your house clean and choose that good part. It will require you to sit and wait quietly for me when you don’t know exactly what to do. It will require you to spend unusual time in my presence praying in the Holy Ghost to give me room to align the pieces and parts that will bring it all to pass.”

I don't know about you, but I'm grabbing hold of this word and believing God for great things in this 90 days. After all, Ephesians 3:20 tells us that God "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

Let's be bold on this one. Let's err on the side of faith and watch God show out!

Progress Not Perfection: A 90-Day Journey

2010-01-19T21:40:00.009-05:00

Like many others, I've embraced 2010 with full vigor and delight to see 2009 left behind. Don't get me wrong: Throughout 2009, God blessed in many remarkable ways, and He was faithful as always. But that year was difficult, not just for me but for my closest friends and family. Good riddance, I say. Now to a better 2010.

One of the things I wrote on my Facebook page at the start of the year is "2010 will be different because I'm living differently today." And isn't that really the key? There's so much of the world that we can't change or control, but there's so much of our own lives that we can impact if we choose to. So I've been spending a lot of time thinking about—and putting into action—ways to make my 2010 different than 2009.

Be Kind to Yourself
While I was home with family over the New Year, one of the things my father said to me is that I need to be kinder to myself. In looking back over my journals from the past year, God had spoken those same words over me on several occasions. Hmm...interesting. I suspect that a lot of you reading this need to hear the same thing: Be kind to yourself this year.

So that's the other part of my approach to 2010: I'm being intentional about pursuing progress, not perfection.

Is a Fast in Order?
That said, all of these notions sound great, but where should I start? The first thing God led me to was a 21-day fast. There are all kinds of fasts that one can do—from food, to entertainment, to certain activities. I'm actually participating in this fast as part of a larger group. This time, God has called me to start with abstaining from meats, sweets, and any alcoholic beverages. He's also called me to refrain from watching any TV programming that contains violent content (which means I've had to give up my weekly dose of "The Mentalist" for the time being). So if God calls you to a fast, take some time to figure out what that means specifically for you.

One week into my fast, I can already tell you that I've felt a huge difference in my spiritual and emotional well-being. I'm actually excited to see how this will progress, since I do expect God to switch some things up on me over the 21 days.

Progress Not Perfection: A 90-Day Journey
But here's where it really gets exciting for me. I was watching a sermon that I recorded this past Sunday in which a word was shared about the "unusual glory" that God is pouring out over the next 90 days. (I'll share the content of that word in tomorrow's post.) At last, I felt like I knew the time frame for the first segment of this personal journey that I'm on in 2010. For the next 90 days, I'm going into basic training, so to speak. Again, the goal is progress, not perfection.

I'm sharing this in case anyone else out there wants to join me on your own personal journey. If so, it doesn't matter when your 90 days starts (or different time period if that's what God calls you to), it just matters that you begin.

Daily Goals for This 90 Days
Here are the things that I will do—with God's help—on a daily basis for the next 90 days.

(1) Practice purposeful thanksgiving. I'm doing this by doing 90 days of thanks as my status update on Facebook. You may choose to write your thanksgiving for the day down in a journal or on your own blog. Wherever you write it, the point is to pick something you are thankful for that day and write it down.

(2) Start the day in God's word. Whether I have 5 minutes or 30 minutes, I will spend those minutes in God's word before I allow in any other outside influences: TV, radio, phone, computer, etc. The point: I am intentionally choosing to focus on what God has to say before I listen to any other opinions that day.

(3) Choose one area of the house to organize each day. Some days when I have lots of time, I will take on the big projects, like the garage. Other days when I have 5 minutes, I will take on the stack of mail that piles up on the corner of the kitchen counter. When I've completed the task, I will take the time to feel satisfied by what I've accomplished. Keep this up for 90 days in a row, and those closets and drawers will get cleaned out a little bit at a time.

(4) Invest time each day in some type of exercise. I know, I know. Exercise is such an unhappy word for most of us. Let's call it movement instead. My goal is to spend 30 minutes a day on anything from stretching to walking to TaiBo. Again, if I have more time, I will go to the gym to do the weight circuit. If I only have 5 minutes, I will take that 5 minutes, and stretch or jog in place, etc. But I won't let the fact that I don't have an hour for the day hold me back from physical activity. Another idea is to break the 30 minutes into 5 or 10 minute increments for days that I know are going to be really busy.

Staying on Track
This list is simple, but if I do each of these items consistently over this 90-day journey, I know I will experience spiritual, mental, and physical benefits from them, not to mention significant stress relief.

To help myself stay on track, I've made a very simple chart for myself. I'm including a picture of it here as an example.

On the days I have more time, I may note the types of things I did in each category for that day. If I'm on the run, I'll just put a check in the box. Again, progress not perfection.

So we'll see how it goes. This I know: I want some things to be different in 2010, and that will only happen if I choose to live differently. At the same time, I'm going to be intentional about being kinder to myself and embracing progress rather than perfection.

If you decide to try this out for yourself, I'd love to here how it goes.

Blessings to you all in 2010!

Love Whispers

2010-01-12T18:09:00.004-05:00

Years go by that seemed days.
Past days gone by that seemed years.
And on the earth spins as the universe keeps the beat
While we try our best to hang on—unchanging, unchallenged.
Too cautious to really live, too careless to care for our lives as we should.

Thank you, God, that in this deafening chaos
Your powerful whisper of love dwarfs all—
If we'll just listen for it—
The breath of life, the wind of eternity.

Dog Food Disco: An Object Lesson

2009-10-25T18:04:00.010-04:00

We recently added a puppy to our family menagerie. I’m now the only woman in the house with a son, an 18-year-old male cat, a 15-year-old male dog (Jake), and an 8-month-old male puppy (Rascal). As you can imagine, the old dudes didn’t know quite what to think about the young punk when he showed up three months ago, nipping at ears and paws and begging to play. For the most part, they’ve all adapted, though we still have our occasional flare ups, especially when it comes to food.

For those of you with pets, you know that puppies are supposed to eat puppy food for the first year. Old dogs are supposed to eat old-dog food. Each type is specially formulated with nutrients for that stage of the dog’s life.

Being the good dog mom, I’ve bought premium versions of both types of food. The first few times I tried feeding both dogs at the same time, I discovered a whole new form of exercise: the dog food disco. It goes like this: Try to get both bowls down at the same time (so neither feels slighted), then quickly hold each of them back from trying to eat the other’s food while they wiggle, wrangle, and squirm their way to get to the other’s bowl.

I know what you’re thinking: If they want the other’s food so badly, just swap their bowls. Put the old-dog food in the puppy’s dish and vise versa. Yeah, you would think. But they are way smarter than that. Here’s the solution I finally discovered.

Step 1: Fill both bowls.

Step 2: Take both bowls to a chair where you can sit comfortably and have room for both dogs. (This can be treacherous if your dog is like Rascal and can jump three feet straight in the air while walking across the room trying to catch his dish.)

Step 3: Sit down and place a bowl down on each side of you.

Let the Games Begin

Here’s where the dog food disco begins, so pay attention. Each dog will still attempt to get the other’s food. You have to be quicker than they are. Be prepared to pick up and move the bowl out of the wrong dog’s way and set it where only the right dog can get it.

You will find that this is worth a good five to ten minutes of intense cardio (for you and the dogs) as they still try to get to the “wrong” food while you continually pick up and swap the bowls before they can reach the one they're not supposed to have. (You will need good hand-eye coordination for this, and it probably helps to be a bit ambidextrous with good rhythm.) Don’t worry: This will get easier with practice, and eventually they will each eat all of the “right” food just to prevent the other dog from getting to it.

And Your Point Is?...

Okay, so here’s why I’ve shared this with you: God often speaks to me through object lessons, and this was a big one for me. See if you can relate.

God knows just what we need in each of our lives. He has the perfect plan—formula—for us based on our unique wants, needs, gifts, and abilities. He prepares those things for us and gives them to us according to the perfect timing. And then we try to go after what he’s given to the person next to us.

We know that we should be relishing the thing he’s prepared for us, but the other dishes look so much better than ours. If we could only have what the other person had, life would really be good. And then we start the human version of the dog food disco, only our version normally comes with much harsher consequences.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” James 4:1–3

Are You Saying I Just Shouldn’t Ask for Things?

Absolutely not! Here’s what Jesus had to say about asking for the things we desire. “‘Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!’ ” Matthew 7: 7–11

The question is not whether we should ask God for things, but whether we trust that what he’s given us are “good gifts.” Do we know that he’s not slighting us because what he gives us is different than what he gives someone else? Or do we spend our time trying to chase after what another has, despising the dish he’s prepared just for us?

Hmm. I’d love to tell you that I’m always content with what God sets before me, that I never envy what I see someone else receiving, and that I’ve never wasted energy chasing after what they got rather than enjoying the good things God has prepared for me. Unfortunately, that’s just not true.

The wonderful thing about God is that he uses the simple illustrations like the dog food disco to teach me that I can trust him to give me exactly what’s best for me. Now, when I’m tempted to chase after that which I see someone else attaining, I remember that picture: legs, feet, and tails in a tangle, each trying to outmatch the other before finally settling for his own. I chuckle at the thought, and I laugh at myself, and I thank God that he doesn’t just give in and give me the wrong thing I’m chasing after!

Why Doesn’t God Give Me All of the Great Stuff I See Him Giving to Others?

God knows each of us better than we know ourselves. Like a good parent, he’s helping us—refining us—for our unique destinies.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” James 1:2–5

If it’s a trial for you not to chase after what someone else has and not to be angry with God that you don’t have that thing, you are not alone. God promises, though, that such testing of your faith will develop perseverance with the end result being that you don’t lack anything. More than that, God gives us permission to ask for his wisdom in these situations, and he gives it to us without finding fault.

In a nutshell: If you need something, ask for it. Don’t spend your time fussing and battling with others to try to get it. If you don’t get it, trust that every good gift comes from God. Trust that he is developing you so that you don’t lack anything. He knows exactly what you need and when you need it, better than you know yourself.

The Message puts it this way: “Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this.” (Proverbs 3:5–12)

429 Is the Loneliest Number of Them All

2009-10-12T22:00:00.010-04:00

Not really, but it is discouraging at times. Then I remember God’s faithfulness, and my prayer request, and I smile about it.

Let me explain:

• 429 is the number of matches that I’ve had on eHarmony since November 6, 2008.

• Out of all of those matches 238 are still open; 191 are closed. (I checked out of curiosity.)

• Of those 429, not one of them has ever developed into anything. Not one.

Keep in mind that I’ve posted photos, I’ve polished my profile (and revised it several times), and I’ve tried a mix of icebreakers, wait and see, guided communication questions, and request fast-track options (all familiar communication choices to any of you who’ve been on eHarmony). Nada.

I’ve come to expect that when I see a profile of anyone who interests me in the least, they immediately close the match. The rest of the matches just sit there and languish in the “new” category.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think this is an issue with eHarmony. I think it’s an answer to prayer.

Be Specific with Your Prayer Requests

When I became single again six years ago, my top prayer request was: “Lord, I never want to experience that kind of devastation again. I want you to bring the godly husband you intend me to have, and until that time, I don’t even want to date.”

Trust me: There have been many times when I’ve questioned how it’s possible that no one has asked me for a date in six years. When I’m tempted to get discouraged, God asks me, “So do you want to date, or don’t you?” Of course, he already knows the answer to that question.

I don’t want “a man”; I want “the man” that God intends for me and me for him. And so I wait. Lately, my prayer has become: “Lord, if you don’t intend for me to have a husband again, please remove the desire from me.” He hasn’t, and so I’m left to trust that it’s a matter of timing.

Waiting...Still Waiting...And Waiting...

Have you found yourself playing the waiting game? If you have, be encouraged. God can be trusted during the wait:

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13–14

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in (wait upon) the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:28–31

My Plan or His?

Who knows how many eHarmony matches I will eventually have or whether any of them will ever be the door through which God brings “the one.” We’ll see when it’s all said and done. I truly believe that I could cancel the prayer request and go about the world's way of dating everyone I can get to look my way. But that's truly not what I want, so I’m going to continue to choose God’s plan for my life.

“ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back from captivity.’ ” Jeremiah 29:11–14

Right now his plan calls for waiting. So I wait. John Waller has written a song about this: "While I'm Waiting." I highly recommend it to anyone who's waiting. Here's a sample of the lyrics:

"I'm waiting. I'm waiting on you Lord, and I am hopeful. I'm waiting on you Lord though it is painful, but patiently I will wait. I will move ahead bold and confident taking every step in obedience. While I'm waiting, I will serve you. While I'm waiting, I will worship. While I'm waiting, I will not faint. I'll be running the race even while I wait."

Yep, I'm going to wait this one out. Care to join me?

UPDATE to This Post (Spring 2010)
Call me an eternal optimist, but I actually tried to open a new eHarmony account. Perhaps this time the outcome would be different. Round 2 resulted in 288 matches, 0 communicating (total tally from the 2 rounds: 717 matches, 0 relationships developed). God you DO have a sense of humor! Thank you for protecting me from my own impatience! The second account is now also closed.

Dressed for Battle

2009-09-12T08:46:00.009-04:00

God's timing never ceases to amaze me. Seriously! I've been meaning to write this post ever since I entered this latest skirmish, but I've been too busy fighting the battle to write about it. Thankfully, though it's still going on, it's now calmed enough for me to put some of this into words.

So this morning, as I got up to write, I read my Jesus Calling devotional for today. I highly recommend this quick morning read (will take you only 5 to 15 minutes depending on the time you have to spend with the reference scriptures) to anyone needing to "enjoy peace in His presence." Today's lesson: participating in battles in the spiritual realm. Thank you for the confirmation, God.

What Spiritual Battle?

Most of you reading this right now probably know all too well that you’re in a fight of some kind, but keep in mind, you’re battling more than a person, an economy, or an illness, you’re fighting a spiritual battle. Huh?

Here’s how the Apostle Paul described it: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Eph 6:12, NIV).

Whether you know it or not, if you’re a Christian, at the root of any struggle you’re facing is a spiritual battle. You have two options: Accept this and gear up for the fight. Deny it, and go into the battle naked. I don’t know about you, but if I’ve got to fight anyway, I want the best weapons for the job!

How Do I Fight An Enemy that I Can’t See?

Well if we take a closer look at Ephesians 6, we see that we’re not supposed to try to be strong in ourselves but in the Lord and His power. We’ve got to put on His armor to be able to stand against our enemy’s schemes.

So here’s a little prayer that I pray over myself—out loud—each day as I’m heading back into the world. I’m writing this out for a friend of mine who's in her own battle who said just the other day, "I need to write down that prayer that you prayed over me and start using it each day." Well, here it is...

“Lord, I take on the full armor of God today. I take on the helmet of salvation to take every thought captive to the mind of Christ. I take on the breastplate of righteousness that is the righteousness of Christ Jesus. I take on the belt of truth that I will not deceive others or be deceived. I shod my feet with the gospel of peace that I will walk in peace and take peace with me wherever I go. I take up the shield of faith to quench all the fiery darts of the enemy. I take up the sword of the spirit—the word of God—as my offensive weapon.”

As I say this prayer, I visualize putting on all of these pieces of armor. The prayer never fails to give me a boost for the day, and if I believe God’s word, then I know it’s the equipment I need to stand firm in the battle. The last reminder Paul gives us about the fight is to remember to be alert and pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of requests, not just for ourselves but also for all Christians.

As you head out today, stop and take a minute to dress yourself spiritually. And one last reminder before you go: Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world! (I John 4:4) You’re battling a defeated foe. With God’s help, you can face down anything coming your way today with a smile on your face and a song in your heart. Go get’m!

What Happened to My Miracle?

2009-08-08T08:31:00.028-04:00

Over the past few weeks, I’ve shared with you about miracles that I’ve personally witnessed in my life: the instantaneous healing of my own torn ligament and the life-saving intervention my Aunt Linda received from a brain aneurism. Until my dying day, I will continue to let people know that God heals and heals miraculously. Sometimes he does it instantly with no medical intervention. Sometimes he uses physicians and advanced medical breakthroughs, equipment, and pharmaceuticals to bring the healing.

Before I write about the times when miracles don’t seem to happen, I want to recommend John Hagee’s book and CD package, The Power to Heal, as a wonderful tool to put in your healing arsenal. (If you follow the link to his site, choose "bookstore" and "CD" to find the package.) I have nothing to do with writing or promoting the book or CDs, but I’ve bought several sets for myself and for numerous friends and family members battling life-threatening illnesses. For $20, you’ll get a book that teaches the scriptural basis for physical healing, deals with impediments to healing, and acknowledges God’s will as sovereign. The package comes with two CDs: “Lizzy’s Miracle,” the true story of a daughter’s healing from terminal brain cancer, and “Healing Scriptures,” around 45 minutes of Pastor Hagee praying all of the healing scriptures in a way that will encourage and inspire anyone listening.

Not Everyone Gets The Miracle They’re Praying For

So why do some people receive physical healing and others do not? If God loves all his children (and he does) and his plans are to prosper us and not to harm us (which they are), then how do we accept the fact that not everyone we love receives the physical healing that we’ve prayed so diligently for and that they were desperate to receive? (By the way, I’ve personally lost several important people in my life that had been the recipients of many healing prayers, so I completely understand the frustration and sense of betrayal we can experience when that happens.)

Let me start by saying: I’m not God and neither are you. There are some things we are not going to understand on this side of heaven. God tells us, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” Isaiah 55:9 (NIV). Think of it this way: None of us expect that our pets should be able to calculate 1+1=2. Our thoughts are higher than their thoughts. We also can’t expect ourselves to comprehend all that the supreme creator, eternal God of the universe knows or the ways that he accomplishes his purposes in our lives. Put simply, he’s smarter than we are and knows more than we do.

One more caveat before I give some reasons to consider for why the miracle you were praying for didn’t happen: All of us are unique. God’s plans for us are unique. The possibilities I’m about to list don’t necessarily apply to your or your loved one’s circumstances. Unless God impresses one of these on you as being applicable to your situation, then just use these ideas as a starting point for your own discussion about this with God.

All right, with those principles in mind, here are three possibilities to consider:

The power of our own belief
God’s timing
Earthly vs. heavenly perspective

The Power of Our Own Belief

When pharmaceutical companies are testing a new medication, they have to conduct studies comparing the results of their drug with those of a placebo. (A “placebo” is basically a fake version of the real medication; you can’t tell the difference between the two by looking at them, but the placebo does not have any of the real medicine in it.)

Researchers have to do these studies so that they can determine what real impact their drugs had. Why? Because some people will believe so strongly in the ability of that medicine to deliver the results it’s intended to produce, that they will experience those results even though they never got any of the medicine (the placebo effect) but just thought they did.

Similarly, numerous medical studies have shown that a person’s attitude about an illness and their outlook on their prognosis have a measurable impact on how quickly and to what extent they heal.

The power of what we believe has the ability to affect our physical and emotional wellbeing. People’s attitudes about an illness and their outlook on their prognosis have a measurable impact on how quickly and the extent to which they heal.

The power of what we believe has the ability to affect our physical and emotional wellbeing. We may be praying for a miracle, we may be desperate for a miracle, but if we believe we are not going to recover, that hurts our ability to recover.

If we take that a step further, and begin to say those things about ourselves (e.g., telling a friend that we don’t think we will every be healed), then we give even more power to that belief. (According to Proverbs 18:21, our tongues have the power of life and death!) Those beliefs and those things we say can then begin to influence our will. Rather than be disappointed in case the healing doesn’t come, we accept the fact that it won’t. Remember: God created us with a free will! He will not counter that will.

In the “Lizzy’s Miracle” CD mentioned above, Lizzy’s parents talk about their determination to continually speak healing scriptures over their daughter, to surround her with those scriptures written onto posters, and to forbid anyone around her from saying she was going to die. Don’t misunderstand me: No one is saying you should live in denial about a prognosis that has been given. The point here is that you must know that God’s power is stronger than any diagnosis you could receive.

God’s Timing

In a nutshell, God’s timing is often not the same as ours. We want things fixed immediately; He’s working something out in the process. Time is a big thing for God. Even though He lives outside of time (he’s eternal), he created it and made a point of setting feasts to be celebrated at certain times, planning the time his son would be born of a virgin mother, and having a set time for his son’s triumphant return to earth that only the Father knows.

Keep in mind:

The bible tells us there is a time and a season for everything, and God makes everything beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:1,11).
God has an individual plan for each of us. “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed” (Psalm 139:16, NLT). (This does not negate free will; God lives outside of time and knows all—including the choices that we and others will make to affect our lives.)

With God, delay is not denial. Just because physical healing has not happened yet, does not mean that it will not happen at all. Wait on him to do things according to his timing, and seek his guidance about what you need to do during that wait.

A Matter of Perspective

We don’t think like God, and we can’t. God spends around nine months preparing us in the womb for our lives on this planet. Then he spends our lives on this planet preparing us for eternity. While we are here on Earth, his mission is to craft us into Christ’s likeness (Romans 8:29; 2 Corinthians 3:18), and he uses all of the circumstances that we encounter here to accomplish that goal so that we're ready for eternity with him. Our time in the womb, on earth, and in heaven are not three separate lives; they are three development phases of the same life.

We’ve only experienced life on this planet, so when we think about life, we think about it here on this earth. The reality is that earthly lives pass in the blink of an eye—they are “but a breath” (Psalm 39:5). We are eternal creatures created in the image of an eternal God. When God looks at our lives, he sees them from the standpoint of eternity.

Delivered by Fire

One of my favorite Bible teachers is Beth Moore. In session 3 of her series Daniel: Lives of Integrity, Words of Prophecy, she covers the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego’s deliverance from the fiery furnace (Daniel 3). Beth asks her students to consider three scenarios when we as Christians face fiery trials in our lives (e.g., needing a healing miracle). All three options are forms of deliverance, and all three bring glory to God and result in benefits to us.

We can be delivered “from the fire” (e.g., biopsy shows no malignancy). Result: Our faith is built.
We can be delivered “through the fire” (e.g., lump is malignant, but after a time, we respond favorably to treatment). Result: Our faith is refined.
We can be delivered “by the fire” into His arms (e.g., cancer doesn’t respond to treatment and ends in physical death). Result: Our faith is perfected.

As Beth says, “Death is dropping off our physical body and walking on without it.”

Get Real with Your Feelings

One final thing: It’s okay to feel all of the emotions (e.g., anger, grief, confusion, impatience, etc.), that go along with facing healing challenges, especially those that result in the physical death of someone you love. Go to God and tell him how you feel. Ask for his grace and insight to look at the situation as he does. Ask for reassurance about his love. Seek support from Christian counseling professionals and other Christian support groups who understand the eternal perspective of life.

If you think that you just can’t possibly tell God exactly how you think and feel, look back over King David’s psalms or Moses’ angst over being called to lead Israel. They didn’t hold back any of those feelings from God, and God spoke face to face with Moses as a man does his friend (Exo. 33:11), and he called David a man after his own heart (1 Sam. 13:14)! God already knows all, so he knows how you’re really feeling. He’s waiting to be invited into the situation by you.

“Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things…I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength” Philippians 4:4–8; 12–13 (NIV).

Fightin' Words

2009-08-05T20:43:00.001-04:00

This week has been a battle. Not one of those that you plan and train for, and feel equipped to fight, but a full-out ambush by an enemy manipulating a friend.

I’ll be honest with you: It took me a few hours to stop reeling from the first verbal punches. Round two came two days later. Round three is scheduled to take place in a meeting that’s been put off for three days in a row now.

When I entered the door of the church this Sunday, I walked with a bit of an emotional limp. Little did I know that God was waiting to supply me with some much-needed ammunition to put the pep back in my step, lift my head, and send me back in feeling more excitement than fear this time.

This particular Sunday, in place of the Apostles’ Creed, we were given a copy of “The Zimbabwe Covenant.” I’ve been carrying it with me ever since. I don’t know who to credit for writing this, so if any of you do, please let me know. But here it is for you other wounded warriors out there who need some refreshment before you head back into battle.

“I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have Holy Spirit Power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of His. I will not look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I am finished and done with low-living, sight-walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotion, or popularity. I do not have to be right, first, tops, recognized, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayers, and labor by power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not give up, shut up, or let up. I will go on until He comes, and work until He stops me.

I am a disciple of Jesus.”

Fight on fellow soldiers!

Do Miracles Still Happen?

2009-07-28T18:12:00.001-04:00

Absolutely! Earlier this month I wrote about five years ago when the Lord instantaneously healed the torn ligament in my ankle—one week before I was due to schedule surgery with my orthopedist. Tonight I want to tell you my Aunt Linda’s story.

Brain Aneurism
Aunt Linda is a Mary Kay sales director with team members throughout Florida and Georgia. A few years ago, she headed over to Panama City to help one of her friends and team members with some training sessions. Linda stopped to have lunch, and as she was sitting there, she began to feel strange. In her words, she felt like she needed to get up and run out of the restaurant, but before she could make it to the door, her legs collapsed and she fell to the ground.

Linda knew that something was terribly wrong, and she immediately started speaking over herself: “I plead the covering of the blood of Jesus from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.” Paramedics were eating lunch at the same restaurant, and they immediately drove her to the hospital for observation.

As I was coming in from work that evening I had a call from Aunt Dinah, Linda’s sister. Linda had been diagnosed with a brain aneurism, and the prognosis was scary. They wanted to clip the bleed to prevent any further damage, and they were waiting to do surgery at her request until her sisters and husband could get to the hospital to see her.

We arrived sometime in the wee hours of the morning. The surgeon showed us all the MRI that clearly revealed the aneurism. We were told she was not stable to move; she would have to have the surgery in Panama City. There was a significant chance that the blood vessel would still rupture, and if it did, the prognosis was death or severe permanent disability.

Before going into surgery, Linda asked that we all hold hands around her bedside and pray with her. We also prayed for and over her doctors and anointed her with oil. Because the surgery was scheduled to last for such a long time and we’d traveled through much of the night to get there, we all left to try to get some sleep at a nearby hotel.

Rupture
Several hours later the hospital called. Things had gone from bad to worse. During the operation, Aunt Linda’s aneurism had ruptured, and she had blood on a large area of her brain. The doctor was unsure whether she’d ever regain consciousness, and if she did, what the permanent damage would be.

In the midst of this, I continued to feel the total calm of God’s presence. I knew without a doubt that he was with her and working on her behalf. We were told it would probably be the next day before she woke up, if she ever did. Imagine the hospital staff’s surprise when a short time later, she began to stir. Our family gathered around her bedside again to hold her hand, talk to her and encourage her.

We were so thrilled that she was actually awake, that we began teasing her husband that we were going to take him out to get a steak to celebrate. As we stood debating about how best to get to the restaurant, Aunt Linda motioned for a pen and paper. (She was still intubated and couldn’t speak.) She wrote, “Left at the Starbucks.” Not only was Linda following the conversation, she was able to give us directions!

Miracle Lady
Aunt Linda was released to return to our home city a week later. As she left the hospital, everyone there referred to her as the “Miracle Lady.” She left without any permanent damage or loss of function. What a miracle!

In the year that followed her aneurism, she continued to take anti-seizure medication, prescribed as a standard precaution following this type of brain surgery. Her hair grew in to cover the scar where they’d removed her skull to get to the affected area. There were never any further complications from the aneurism.

Today, she continues to be healthy and happy. She continually proclaims the Lord’s favor over her and his healing power.

Words to Live By
Miracles absolutely still happen today! Next time, we’ll talk about the times when it seems that they don’t. Until then, remember:

“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62:8

“Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds—his name is the Lord—and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.” Psalm 68:4–6

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2–4

Need a Miracle?

2009-07-18T17:47:00.003-04:00

Ever feel forgotten? Or like there’s no good end in sight? Maybe you look at others around you and see them getting the things that they’ve prayed for while you continue to wait. Maybe it’s just that you seem to be struggling worse than everyone else around you, and you wonder when it’s going to be “your turn.” At times like that, you’ve got to practice focusing on the positive and remembering the things that God has done for you.

We’ve talked a bit about focusing on the positive. If you’ve missed those posts, the idea is that you have to be intentional about the things that you let yourself dwell on. By continually bringing your mind back to anything good that is going on in your life—even if it’s as basic as the fact that you were able to get out of bed of your own will this morning—you will slowly begin to overcome the obsession on the things that aren’t going as well in your life.

Another aspect of this is purposeful remembering. Put simply, when you’re in a bind, remember the things that God has already brought you through and accomplished in your life. When you’re tempted to believe that God has forgotten you, focus on these memories and know that he’s still there with you; his promise is never to fail you or abandon you (Deut. 31:6).

Sometimes it’s easier to believe God to come through for the little things, but quite another thing to trust him for something big. I can relate! Often I have to remind myself of some of the incredible things he’s done in my life. One of the biggest of these is the time that he miraculously healed my ankle. Here’s the story:

Oh, No, Not Again!
Nearly six years ago, I was in the midst of the divorce process and at the lowest point of my life. My son and I were living in an apartment complex while waiting for the construction to be completed on the condo we’d be moving into.

As part of my stress management, I was out for a walk around the apartment complex when suddenly, my ankle gave way with an audible “pop,” and I tumbled into the grass next to the road. Waves of pain washed over me, and I found myself unable to even get back to my feet. Thankfully, a neighbor saw me, stopped his car, helped me to my feet, and drove me back to my apartment.

I managed to hop through the door, grab some ice, and collapse on the sofa, crying all the while. Elevating the foot did nothing to help. My right ankle had been injured multiple times since childhood, and it was prone to weakness. This was not the first time it had collapsed under me, but it was definitely the worst. X-rays confirmed that nothing was broken, so I got into a pattern of icing, elevating, and leaving it in a brace for support.

Six weeks later an RN friend came to visit. She took one look at my purple, swollen ankle and declared that something was not right. She cajoled me into calling an orthopedist.

A couple weeks and an MRI later, my worst fears were confirmed: The ligament that wraps around the outside of the ankle to keep it from flopping to the side was torn almost 50% through. I had two options: Continue to use a walking cast any time I was on uneven ground (possibly for the rest of my life) and possibly have to have surgery later, or go ahead and have the surgery now. If I chose the surgery, I was told that I would be flat on my back and completely out of work for two weeks. The next four weeks would involve crutches. I would not be able to drive any of those six weeks. Following that, I would be in physical therapy for six months.

By this time, our condominium was completed and we’d moved in. We live on the second story, so our lives now involved daily stairs. Additionally, as a single parent with a 5-year-old, there was no one else to drive us around. There were the financial considerations of missing work and the physical issues of taking care of my son and the mission trip to Russia that I was scheduled to take in four months.

On the heels of this news came the final blow. My son Austin was running around the living room, tripped, and gashed his head on the coffee table. It was the last straw. On the way to pick up medical supplies I needed for him, I had a complete fit with the Lord. There’s no pretty way to say it. I had a full-out temper tantrum. I was so angry. How could he let this happen? He knew I was a single parent. He knew all of the challenges I was already up against! He knew that I had to be able to drive and care for Austin. Was he trying to take me to the breaking point? On and on I went, until I finally ran out of energy. Once I did, I apologized to God for all of my ranting and asked for his forgiveness. As bad as I felt for the outbreak, I felt relief to finally acknowledge those feelings and let him deal with them.

A Miracle Happens
Early one morning, probably a week after the meltdown, I was up working on a Bible study. As I sat there, I recounted in my mind all of the scriptural examples I could recall of times when God either miraculously healed someone or even raised them from the dead.

A bleary-eyed Austin shuffled in because he’d woken up afraid, and I went to lay down with him in his bunk bed. As I laid there, I continued to pray and remind myself and God of all of those miracles. “If it’s your will to heal me, I know that you can,” I prayed, “but if it’s your will for me to have the surgery then I accept it.” In that instant I heard in my spirit, “Take up your mat and walk.” Immediately, the pain disappeared. The difference was so radical that for a moment, I thought I had fallen asleep and was dreaming.

Wide awake, I gingerly made circles in the air with my foot. No pain. I got up and stood on the ankle. Still no pain and no weakness. When I walked out to the kitchen so I could look at it in the light, the bruising and swelling were gone. It was healed, and I was dumbfounded!

A week later, I made the return visit to the orthopedist to satisfy a skeptical friend who wasn’t sure whether to believe what had happened. As soon as his nurse saw me without the walking cast, in sandals, and without bruising or a limp, her eyes widened and she said, “Let me get the doctor.” The doctor confirmed what I already knew: There was absolutely nothing wrong with the ankle. He released me with a shake of his head and a grin.

To this day, my right ankle continues to be strong. I’ve had no additional issues. And as an added bonus, the severe seasonal allergies that had plagued me since childhood vanished with the ankle injury. Imagine!

What This Means to Me Now
We are all tempted at times to get discouraged and believe that our lives are always going to be difficult, something we’re waiting for is never going to happen, and even if God had the power to fix something in our lives, he wouldn’t bother with someone as insignificant as we.

During those times, I think back on this miracle. I remind myself that God is willing and able to do what’s best for me in his way and in his timing. In this particular instance, I think I had to be willing to get to the place where I was absolutely okay with whatever happened to my ankle and to trust that he had my best in mind no matter the outcome.

His Ways Are Higher than Ours
In the next couple of posts I’m going to share a bit more about healing miracles and times when those miracles don’t take place. One is the miraculous story of my aunt’s healing from a brain aneurism. The other is the tragic loss of three people who were dear to me due to cancer. God loved them all—still does. They are all Christians, and yes, those who’ve died and are his continue to live on in eternity. As a minister at one of those friend’s funerals said today, “Death, when you’re a Christian, is the ultimate healing.”

We’re not always going to understand the reasons that some things happen on this earth. During those times, we need to remember two things:

1. God’s ways are higher than our ways, and his thoughts are higher than our thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9)
2. “One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving.” Psalm 62:11-12a

God has the power to act in your life. Trust him to do it in the way, and in the timing that’s best for you. But know that miracles still happen. I can vouch for that!

Spare Change

2009-07-03T18:02:00.003-04:00

I just returned Monday night from a family vacation to California. While exploring downtown San Francisco, we passed a homeless man with a hand-written sign that read: “Will accept insults for spare change.”

That sign broke my heart, and at the same time, I could relate to what he was saying. How often have I been willing to accept someone’s insults for “spare change”? Oh, not the coin type, but lots of other “spares”: Spare love. Spare time. Spare affection. Spare respect.

I don’t know whether men suffer from the same affliction, but I know we women are so prone to put up with anything just to get the spare bits that some of the people we allow into our lives are willing to offer us.

After reading that sign, I dug around in my camera bag to find some money. I don’t think the man realized that I was behind him. He had been walking toward my family but had turned to pick up a cigarette butt from the sidewalk. As he straightened up, I handed him a $5 bill. His face was wary, but I smiled and said, “Be blessed.” He immediately responded with a smile.

Noticing my Florida sweatshirt, he said, “Are you from Florida?”

“Yes. My son and I live there. We really like it.”

He replied, “I lived in Tampa for a few years. It was nice. I went there with some people I knew from Maine and worked in their restaurant.”

We chatted briefly until my family reached the doors of the hotel we were looking for.

“Well, this is our stop,” I said.

“Nice place.”

I agreed and responded, “Have a good day.”

“You too.”

He continued on his way, and I said a silent prayer for him as he went. I don’t know what it was that brought him to that place of “Will accept insults for spare change.” But I do know the only One who can change that for him or for any of us.

As I close my eyes even now, I can still picture that sign. And you know, we often approach God in the same way…as beggars for spare change, not as those who are adopted sons and daughters God (Ephesians 1:5).

How often do we find ourselves in need and turn to every other diversion and source before we go to God for help. Then if and when we do approach him, it’s with the belief that he’s more likely to punish us or to judge us than to take care of the need. I know…I’ve been there. But nothing could be further from the truth.

What do you need?

Peace: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (Spoken by Jesus) John 14:27, NIV

Wisdom: “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” James 1:5, NIV

Mercy: “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16, NIV

Love: “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17, NIV

Hope: “ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11, NIV

Joy: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13, NIV

Whatever it is that you need, I guarantee you that God has it for you. It will be in his timing and in his way. But his way is always in your best interest. How do I know this? Not only have I personally experienced it on countless occasions, Jesus also promises that this is true:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Spoken by Jesus) Matthew 7:7–11, NIV, emphasis added

You don’t have to spend your life as a beggar. Nor do you need to be willing to accept insults (in any form) in exchange for someone else’s spares. Instead, approach your Father in heaven who loves you and wants to bless you. Know that he is just waiting to lavish his love on you.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” (I John 3:1, NIV)

Positive Is a Choice

2009-06-08T20:02:00.004-04:00

It’s been a really long time since I’ve had a Monday like this. It actually started quite well. You see, today would have been my 18th wedding anniversary if my marriage had not derailed six years ago. When I woke up this morning and realized the date, I was actually pleasantly surprised that I didn’t feel sad, disappointed, angry, or any of the other negatives that I’ve struggled with on the previous former anniversaries.

Nope, this year, as I considered the date, I actually felt excited about my life. I took a moment to thank God for all that he has brought me through in this time and to tell him how thrilled I am about wherever he is taking me. (Just being able to enjoy the unknown that used to tie me in such knots is a real victory!)

I had no way of knowing then what a challenge the day would become. Within five minutes of walking in the door at work, I was faced with a friend who said she didn’t want to live anymore. We’d been down this path about six months ago, but with counseling and medication, she was greatly improved. This latest bout of depression caught me by surprise and scared me for her again. The next six hours were spent getting her emergency counseling attention, getting her antidepressant medication, and working on reports at her bedside while she took a nap to try to make up for some of the sleep she’s been lacking.

I made it back to the office in time to cram in the remaining reports that are due each Monday before running out to pick up Austin from my aunt, who was picking him up from camp at 3:00. As I pulled into her driveway at 4:45, it never occurred to me that she had forgotten all about going to get him, even though we discussed it at 11:00 this morning. Or that I wasn’t getting the cell phone messages from the camp or my ex because I forgot I had silenced the ringer so as not to disturb my friend’s rest. (Did I mention this was Austin’s first day at this camp? And that the camp director had to drive him up to meet his dad—the only one who answered the call? And that his dad was oh so happy to get the call in the first place?)

Now tonight, I’m on my third load of laundry, because the wet towels and swimsuit from camp that I intended to wash in the first load never made it in. Or into the second load that I started when I realized that I forgot to throw in the pants that Austin needs for tomorrow!

The point of my telling you this whole story is this: Tonight, I’m choosing to stay positive. I refuse to let any of this get the best of me today and drag me off to the pit that I normally frequent on the 8th of June. I’m choosing to keep my focus on all of the wonderful things that the Lord has done for me.

1. Out of a failed marriage, he brought the biggest blessing of my natural life: my son.

2. He has delivered me from the crippling depression in which my friend finds herself right now, and I know that he can deliver her.

3. As I sat—on the anniversary of my marriage—in the same counseling practice in which I told my husband six years ago that I was filing for divorce—the first time I’d revisited the place since then—I realized the extent to which God had healed all of that devastation.

4. I was able to deal with my aunt and my ex and not lose my patience with either one of them about a situation that would have driven me around the bend not that long ago. Yet another sign of God’s healing work.

5. The camp director was very gracious when I called apologizing profusely, and even complimented me on what a wonderful son I have. She was merciful and didn’t threaten me with late fees or other incentives not to let it happen again.

6. Rather than having to wash these loads of laundry by hand, wring them out, and hang them up to dry (as I do when in Russia, and most Russians and the rest of the world do regularly), I’m blessed with a washer and dryer that does all of the hard work for me.

So there you have it. I am blessed and highly favored of the Lord. I will continue to rejoice in him and to keep my trust in him.

The next time you are tempted to let your day get negative, turn it on its ear and rejoice for the positives. You will be amazed at all the Lord has done for you when you take a moment to consider it.

Let’s not give up one more day to being defeated by our enemy—no matter what form that defeat tries to take. Remember, the joy of the Lord is our strength!

The Blame Game

2009-05-30T20:48:00.003-04:00

As the rain poured down for what must have been the eighth day in a row, my co-worker confidently proclaimed, “I blame Christians for this!”

Laughing, I responded, “Why? What did we do?”

“Well, your God punishes, so obviously you all are the reason for all of this rain.”

Before the conversation could go any further, our boss walked through with a work-related question, and I returned to my desk with the printout that I’d been there to retrieve.

That moment struck me because of the perceived truth of the sentiment underlying the joking. For this man, and for many of us, we’re more apt to think of a God who punishes than of a loving God who is not willing that any should perish.

How often in the midst of really trying circumstances (with much bigger implications than a rainy afternoon) do we feel that God is punishing us, when the reality is that what we’re going through is a direct consequence of an action we’ve taken (or refused to take) or a decision we’ve made.

Please do not misunderstand me. Not everything bad that happens to us is our fault. Those who’ve been victimized by others suffer because of the free-will bad choices that their victimizers made. Period. What I’m saying is that often, the rough patch we’re going through is of our own making.

Case in point: I should not drink alcohol on a regular basis. While the bible tells us not to be drunk with wine, I don’t believe there’s any general prohibition against alcohol. If there were, Jesus would not have made his first miracle turning water into the best wine served at the wedding of Cana. That said there are some people who do not do well drinking alcohol. In my family line—both sides—is a history of chemical depression. This means that I have to be even more careful about eating nutritious foods, getting enough sleep, avoiding too much caffeine, exercising regularly, and not drinking more than a glass or two of alcohol on any given occasion. Why? Because when I get those things out of whack, I start to feel depressed. Is God punishing me with depression? No, in fact he’s the one there to restore me to wholeness when I realize that I’ve done it again.

For anyone out there who’s still convinced that God is just waiting for them to trip up, take a look at Luke 15:11–31, the story of the prodigal (lost) son. It’s the third of three parables that Jesus told in response to the religious folks (Pharisees and teachers of the law) complaining about Jesus: “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them” (Luke 15:2, NIV).

For anyone unfamiliar with the story, it goes like this. A man has two sons. One day the younger son comes to him and demands his “share of the estate.” (In other words, he doesn’t even wait until his father dies to make a grab for his money.) The father complies and divides his property between his two sons.

The younger son takes off for another country and parties the money away “in wild living” “with prostitutes.” Nothing like working your whole life to leave an inheritance for your child, only to have it blown in a Middle-Eastern Vegas.

A little time goes by, and the economy goes sour. Famine hits the land. The younger son finds himself out of money and working in a dead-end job starving. He finally “comes to his senses” and decides to go home and ask to become a servant back in his old house. He doesn’t expect his dad to take him back as a son, but he knows that the man treats his servants well, and at least he won’t go hungry there. His plan is to go back, admit he’s sinned against his father, and ask him to take him back as a hired man.

“But while he (the son) was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” (Luke 15:20, NIV, emphasis mine).

According to plan, the son said, “Father I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son” (v. 21).

Did the father stop and berate him? Did he punish him? Make him feel guilty by asking where all his hard-earned money had gone? Nope. He declared a feast—a celebration because “this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found” (v. 24).

In fact, the only one who was really ticked off at the younger son was the older brother. He’d stayed and worked on his father’s behalf. He’d done what he was supposed to do. Where were his accolades? Where was his celebration?

This story has so many angles to examine, such richness that a whole series could be spent just looking at the significance of each of the characters in the story. But here’s the relevance as it concerns what we’re talking about today, and the situations that we as Christians find ourselves in when we’ve made bad decisions, acted wrongly—sinned.

Jesus told this story in response to religious folks criticizing his relationships with “sinners.” When we are believers, we have become adopted sons and daughters of God (Ephesians 1:5, 2 Cor. 6:18). In this story, it wasn’t a servant who had wronged the father (God); it was a son (a believer).

I’ve been there. I’m sure you have too. And what’s our first impulse? Like Adam and Eve, maybe we want to hide from God. Or maybe, like this son, we know our only hope is to go back to God and admit our sin, and maybe if we do, we can at least be his servants again: work harder, do more in church, be better about following "the rules."

That’s our wrong thinking, not his. Notice this father: watching and waiting for this son to come home. Running out to meet him. Declaring a celebration. The only one who wants to punish in this story is the other son (the fellow believer who hasn’t committed the same sin—made the same mistakes as this one who was off living large, squandering all that the father had given him).

Please hear this. God loves you. If you are a believer in Christ Jesus, then you are his child. Do not let the world tell you that you can’t return to him. Don’t let them convince you that you have to hide from a God who’s looking to punish you if given half the chance. And don’t let other Christians who haven’t struggled with the same sin that you fell into make you feel that you have no right to be a full member of the family again. That’s not an opinion shared by your heavenly Father.

“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1, NLT). The next time someone tries to condemn you, or your enemy whispers in your ear that you’ve squandered everything God has done for you, say out loud, “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:12, NIV).

Don’t waste your energy playing someone else’s blame game, even if the someone else is the little voice in your head that wants to criticize you for your mistakes. Keep moving forward. Keep your eyes on the Lord. Know that his plans are to “prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV).

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!’” (Lamentations 3:22–24, NLT, emphasis mine).

It’s not punishment—but God’s mercies—that never cease. Count on his love to be waiting for your return no matter how far you’ve strayed or how long you’ve been gone.

Yes, Even That

2009-05-22T09:09:00.006-04:00

There are times in life—things that happen to us or because of us—that just seem to get us stuck. I met a man in Russia who was in that place. He looked to be around 30, and he’d been drinking. The Russian pastors and interpreter I was with stopped to talk with him in a city park. I’ll call him Ivan, though I honestly don’t remember his name. What I do remember was his face. It was a handsome young face that still looked tense behind the smile, tired beyond his years. He exuded bravado, but as we spoke with him, you could sense his underlying sadness.

We stopped to talk to Ivan to see whether he knew for sure that if something happened to him that day that he would wake up in heaven. What would he say if he stood before God and God said, “Why should I let you into my kingdom?” Many of us aren’t sure how to answer those questions. I’ve been there. At this point in my life, I can honestly tell you that yes, I do know I would wake up in heaven. And if God asked me why he should let me in, I’d say: “Because Jesus died for me and I’ve asked him to forgive me for the times I’ve blown it and save me.” It’s a wonderful thing to have those questions answered.

But back to Ivan. Ivan couldn’t answer those questions because he was stuck. Ivan was one of the thousands of Russian soldiers who had been called to battle insurgents in the region of Chechnya. What Ivan wanted to know was whether we thought it was a sin that he had killed people there. My point to him was that it didn’t matter what we thought or whether it was or wasn’t, because what really mattered was that no matter what he had done, God loved him and there was nothing he wouldn’t forgive or couldn’t heal.

I think that’s the rub for a lot of us. We know way too much about the things that we’ve done in this life, and we get hung up on whether we’ve finally crossed a line at which point God just doesn’t want to have anything to do with us. On the flip side, maybe things have been done to us that have left us angry and bitter with God. Those of us who are the biggest on the idea of free will and doing what we want often struggle the most with wanting to blame God for the wrongs done to us when others have acted out of their own free will. It’s a bit of a paradox.

I’ve never been called on to fight for my country. I’ve never had to kill anyone in battle. I don’t know what it is to bear the burden of war memories. But I’ve done plenty of things that make me shutter to think of them. Things that I should have known better than to do. Things have been done to me that have left a mark even now. But this I know. Nothing can separate us from the love of God. How do I know that? Because he says so: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:28, NIV)

He also tells me “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.” (Romans 8:1, 31–34 NIV).

The bad news—and the good news—is that there is not a thing that any of us can do to change our past, whether 10 minutes or 10 years ago. It’s the past. But we can stop letting our past determine our future. “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14, NIV)

Both of those passages (in Philippians and Romans) were penned by the apostle Paul, who before his conversion to Christianity led the persecution and execution of Christians. Think there was any baggage from his past that would have weighed him down if he had let it?

We must leave the past behind. But we can’t really do that on our own. We do that when we get honest with God. Maybe we need to tell him about some of the wrongs we’ve done and ask for his help to live life differently. Maybe we need to admit that we’re angry with him or someone else but that we want to forgive. Make a conscious decision to forgive and say it out loud. Then ask him to change our emotions that go with those memories; help us to see those circumstances or those people through his eyes.

How can it be that simple? I don’t know, but it is. Take King David for example. David is probably the most famous king in the Old Testament. David reigned at the height of Israel’s power as a nation. God referred to him as a man after his own heart (1 Samuel 13:14). That’s a pretty high compliment.

Before David was king, he was a shepherd. One of the first stories recorded about him is of his killing the giant Goliath with only a slingshot and his faith that God would help him defeat Israel’s enemy. He went on to be known for his valor in battle to the point that Saul, Israel’s king at the time, was jealous because the Israelites only credited Saul with killing thousands, but David his tens of thousands (I Samuel 18:7).

David was a talented writer and musician who wrote many of the Psalms. But David also was human. He blew it on many occasions. This was the same guy who slept with his neighbor’s wife, got her pregnant, then figured out a way to kill off her husband to cover his tracks. Did this get David voted off God’s island? Not at all. Yes, there were consequences to his actions, and yes they were devastating. (His and Bathsheba’s son died shortly after birth, and he grieved bitterly.) But here’s the important part of the story. When confronted with the truth about what he had done, David admitted he was wrong (2 Samuel 12), and God forgave him.

Despite his failures in life, David continued to be God’s appointed ruler. His line was blessed to be the ancestor of Jesus Christ himself, and God promised that the messiah would reign on David’s throne. To this day, Jews and Christians look at David’s life as both an example of how to worship God and a cautionary tale about the problems we can create for ourselves when we get off of God’s path.

I don’t know where you got stuck. Maybe it was a divorce. An affair. Something you never thought you could do but did. Something that you never thought would happen to you but did. Here’s what I know from experience, either my own or that of people I love dearly: There is not enough alcohol, drugs (legal or illegal), money, sex, or anything else in this world to fix “it.” Inevitably, any of those things used wrongly just increase our problems. But there is a solution: Give it to God.

The Christian rock group Third Day has a song called “Take It All” that speaks to this: “All the promises I’ve broken, all the times I’ve let you down. You’ve forgot them but still I hold on to the pain that makes me drown. But now I’m ready to let it go, to give it away. Take it all, ‘cause I can’t take it any longer. With all I have, I can’t make it on my own. Take the first, take the last, take the good and take the rest. Here I am, all I have, take it all.”

Maybe you’re thinking, ok I can give him these three memories, and those two bad habits, but there’s no way I can give him this one thing. It’s too awful. Or I need it too badly. Here’s what he would say: Yes, even that. Especially that one thing. No matter what that thing, memory, person, or habit is, give it to him. He will gladly take it and bear it for you. He said that he came “to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isaiah 61:2–3, NIV)

Stop for a moment and consider what you’ve been holding back from God. No matter how big or small, ugly or seemingly harmless, that is the thing you need to give to him. Yes, even that.

Focus, People!

2009-05-16T16:08:00.004-04:00

Have you ever noticed how effortless it is to focus on the negative? From the news to the classroom to conversations at work and home, it just seems way too easy to go down that path. Seems instinctual really.

That said, ultimately, it’s not very productive. Why? Because the joy of the Lord is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10). When we’re focused on the negative, we’re definitely not feeling joyful, and we're operating from a place of weakness.

It took the first 35 years of my life to figure out that the quickest way for me to stop negative feelings, fears, anger, or depression, was to start thanking God for the good in my life. Out loud. Preferably with a prayer partner.

Try this the next time you are feeling down. Call someone who will pray with you. Don’t spend your time talking about the negative situation that you are experiencing. Instead, start praying together, thanking the Lord for anything and everything that comes to mind.

For example: “Thank you, Lord, for waking me up again this morning. Thank you for providing the air that I breathe and for giving me use of my arms and legs.”

As you pray this way, more things will come to your mind. Things we just tend to take for granted. Within minutes, you will feel amazingly better. Joyful even!

Here’s another trick. Don’t feel like cleaning the house? Thank the Lord that you have a house to clean. Angry with your child? Thank the Lord for blessing you to be able to have children. No matter what the aggravation, the Lord has blessed you. Focusing on the blessing will give you the joy—and the peace—that’s lacking in the midst of the challenge.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4: 4–9, NIV)

If you’ve been struggling lately—and it seems that everyone I know has been—then take a few minutes every day for purposeful thanksgiving. You will be amazed at the results. Focusing on the positive takes practice, but like any other habit, the more you do it, the more natural it will become to you.

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2 NIV).

Now that’s focus!

Unexpected Blessings

2009-04-21T17:51:00.004-04:00

Last night was one of those nights that I was zapped. After spending the past three days keeping up with 10-year-olds at six Orlando theme parks, I was really looking forward to a hot bath and a good night’s sleep.

Unfortunately, a brother-in-law I love dearly is in the dying process. So I found myself taking a shift at his bedside while my ex helped coach our son’s baseball game. After seven years of battling cancer, Mike is at the end of his days here on earth. The doctors called us in Easter morning to say our final goodbyes, but somehow, he has managed to cling to this world with the same tenacity he has been so well known in life for.

Mike hasn’t been conscious for over a week now, and the process has been wearing on all concerned who just want to be sure that he isn’t suffering. So there I was last night, settling in for some quiet television and monitoring his breathing—my only task to hit the button to deliver more pain meds if he seemed uncomfortable.

After a few hours on my own, Mike’s friend Jeff came in from Georgia for a visit. I’ve never met Jeff before but had heard much about him from Mike’s wife, because Jeff was the one who led Mike to Christ one day at work a few years ago. Before we talked, I didn’t know exactly how all of this had come about, but I knew that it had because of Mike’s complete transformation. He went from surly and belligerent to genuinely sweet overnight. The kind underside of his personality surfaced as old fears, hurts, and regrets disappeared under the saving blood of the cross. It was something to behold.

As we sat there in the quiet of that hospital room last night, Jeff began to tell me stories of his time with Mike. Again, to truly appreciate the unexpected blessing of this conversation, you’ve got to know a bit of the background.

Mike was the third of eight children. He spent nearly two years in the Army fighting in Vietnam. It was a war that he never talked about but it has stayed with him throughout his life. My earliest family memory of him was of his diving under a car during a family reunion—a good 20 years after his Army service—after a low-flying military plane sparked a flashback of the conflict.

There were also tales of his marijuana deals in the heyday and confusion of the 70s and his exploits on various motorcycles that he owned over the years. By the time I knew him, he tended to stay pretty quiet and keep mainly to himself. He was an avid fisherman and seemed to be most happy and peaceful out on the water with a whiskey and 7Up listening to Jimmy Buffett, longish blond hair and bushy mustache blowing back in the wind. He wasn’t one to tolerate much foolishness out of anyone, but he’d give you the Hawaiian shirt off of his back if he thought that you needed it or particularly liked it.

We never really talked about God, because my ex’s family held to the notion that you didn’t talk sex, religion, or politics, but I had the distinct impression that Mike wasn’t very interested in anything to do with the Lord. I’m sorry to say that for the first 18 or so years of our relationship, the only times I ever discussed Christ with him were when he asked about the mission trips I was taking to Russia.

Mike was originally diagnosed with cancer in 2002. By the time the cancer returned after a couple of years in remission, I knew he had become a Christian, and I sent him a book and a CD of healing scriptures developed by John Hagee Ministries. That opened the door for us to talk about the Lord, and one of my most precious “Mike” memories was of the Lord pressing me to take communion to him while he was in the hospital last summer with a blockage that was causing him tremendous stomach pain. I went, fearing that I was intruding, and ended up serving several family members and praying and celebrating life and God’s goodness with them.

Last night as I sat with Jeff, I learned so many things about Mike’s faith that I had not known. Not only did Mike become a Christian a few years ago, he and Jeff began a daily morning prayer time at work. When co-workers had any concerns, they would come to Mike and Jeff for prayer, and they would stop what they were doing and pray with them.

As I sat on the opposite side of the bed, I listened to Jeff tell Mike about several prayers they’d had answered just in the past couple of weeks. It was so sweet to see Jeff’s love for Mike and to listen to Jeff recount Mike’s love for Jesus. Once again, it reminded me that God really doesn’t care what any of us thinks of someone else’s desire for him or chances for salvation. He is always at work. He honored the prayers of Mike’s Christian wife and family members who’d been praying for his salvation. He spent years wooing him and sustaining him after the damage done in the war, and out of the wreckage of Mike’s woundedness, he created a beautiful heart for Jesus and compassion to see others set free.

As Mike’s earthly life comes to an end, I’m comforted in knowing that this is but a blink of an eye to the eternity God has prepared for him. I’m so thankful that after years of struggle, Mike finally grasped God’s love for him and accepted his gift of salvation.

He understood that heaven is a free gift.(1) None of us can earn it or deserve it.(2) We’re all sinners and can’t save ourselves.(3) God is love and he is merciful,(4) and he doesn’t want to punish us, but he’s just and must punish sin.(5) However, because he loves us so much, he solved our problem through his son Jesus Christ who was fully human and fully God.(6) Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead to pay the penalty for our sins, restore our broken relationship with God, and assure us of eternal life with him in heaven.(7) How? Through faith in Jesus alone and what he’s already done for us.(8)

It’s as easy as taking a minute to talk (pray) to God and say, “I know I’ve sinned. I’ve done things I shouldn’t and not done things that I should. But I know that you love me and that Jesus already paid for those sins when he died on the cross and defeated death. I ask Jesus to save me and be my Lord.” As soon as you’ve said that prayer—or something like it—you’ve started on that journey. In fact, John 6:47 tells us, “I tell you the truth, he who believes has everlasting life” (Jesus speaking, NIV).

Now to really grow in all that the Lord has for you, you’ve got to spend time with him. Sounds hard, but it’s not. Pray (talk to him) in your own words. Learn about him through reading and studying the bible—it will really help to get a more modern translation like the NIV that’s easier to understand than something like the King James version. Find other people to study about God and spend time with. Find a group such as a church or bible study that you can be a part of so that you can learn more and have others around you to support your growth.

God is so good. If you have a family member or friend you’ve been praying for, don’t stop. It’s never too late for the Lord. I had the privilege of watching my 87-year-old mother-in-law receive Christ just a few months ago. We don’t know or understand God’s timing. We don’t have to. His ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55:9).

We just need to keep bringing those petitions to him, and He will bless us in the most unusual ways and places. Sometimes he even blesses us in a hospice room. Only he can bring such life and joy in the midst of death. After all, once we have trusted him for salvation, this life is just a shadow of the blessings to come.
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Footnotes of scripture references:
1) Romans 6:23
2) Ephesians 2:8–9
3) Romans 3:23
4) 1 John 4:8b
5) Exodus 34:7b
6) John 1:1, 14
7) Isaiah 53:6
8) Acts 16:31

Crazy Comes Callin’

2009-04-07T18:09:00.003-04:00

There comes a tipping point in every failed relationship when you know that it’s all over but the final judgment. You may have wondered before that, weighed your options, and considered what you should do, but when the tipping point happens, there’s no going back.

For me, that point came six months into our scariest round of marital discord; two months after Rob walked out of our last joint marriage counseling session and refused to come back; two days after he broke into the house and I thought one or both of us were going to end up dead.

I should have seen it coming, because as usual, it started with a vicious verbal assault filled with false accusations, cruel name-calling, and threats. He stormed out of the house around midnight that night yelling as he went that he would be spending the night with his brother who lived a couple of hours away.

Something in me knew that he would be back. I double-checked all door and window locks. I then took the house phone and my cell phone into my sleeping son’s bedroom (he was 4 at the time), locked the door, and pulled the dresser in front of it so that Rob could not get in.

Around 3 that morning, Rob came home really drunk. As he checked all of the doors and realized he was locked out, he started screaming for me to let him in. I ignored him and began to pray for our safety. I spoke every Bible verse about protection that came to mind, but I did not call the police.

I could hear Rob at our back bedroom windows beating on the windows and hurling curses at me. I did not answer but continued to pray. Within 15 minutes, he had broken in through the sliding glass door and was raging down the hall to our bedroom. When he realized I was not there, he turned and tried to open our son’s bedroom door, which was directly across the hall.

As soon as Rob realized that the door was locked, he grew quiet, and in a calm voice, he said, “Oh, so this is how you want it, Kim? Fine. Here’s Johnny.” (For those of you who aren’t familiar with Stephen King’s The Shining, this is the line the psychotic father says as he uses an axe to try to come through the door his wife and son are barricaded behind.)

For the first time since he’d come home, I spoke softly. “Go to bed, Rob. Your son is sleeping in here.”

He said nothing else, but turned and stormed down the hall. For a while, I listened to things crashing and banging, and then the house was silent. I still did not call the police. There is no explanation for it, and today I still don’t understand why I felt powerless to do anything to help myself, even though I had access to both phones.

My son and I spent the rest of the night locked in his bedroom, him sleeping, and me praying to make it to daylight. As soon as dawn broke, I called my aunt and asked her if she would send my uncle to get us out of the house. I was afraid to open the door without someone else there, because I thought Rob might be lying in wait for us or may have finally carried through on his threat to kill himself.

My aunt was there within 15 minutes—all 5’3’’ of her—and after ringing the doorbell for several minutes, I finally heard Rob shuffling off to let her in. He and I ended up driving in separate cars to a local eatery so that we could “talk” about what had happened while my aunt stayed with my son. Throughout this conversation, Rob continually denied that he had any real intention of hurting either one of us. He claimed not to understand why I was so afraid.

I would like to tell you that this was the tipping point. It wasn’t. While it precipitated the finale, that actually came two days later in a teary call with one of my work colleagues when I finally had the courage to admit what had happened to someone outside of my family. Dan listened quietly to the whole weepy story without judgment. When I’d finished recounting it, he said very gently, “Kim, why didn’t you call the police?”

I thought about it for a moment. “I didn’t want my son to see his father taken off in handcuffs.”

Quietly he responded, “Would it have been better for him to watch him mom being carried out in a body bag?”

Even now, the memory of that question takes my breath away and brings tears to my eyes. That was the moment. The tipping point. In that instant I realized that I didn’t know how to leave, but I knew that I had to. I had been willing to endure all sorts of terror in the name of trying to hold my marriage together, but I was not willing to saddle our son with that kind of memory for the rest of his life.

So I’m now going to do someone out there the same difficult favor that Dan did for me. Very gently, I’m going to tell you that I know that it’s hard to leave. Sometimes it even seems impossible. I understand that you love him. I know that when you took those vows, you really meant for better or worse. But I need to ask you: “Would it be better for your child or loved one to watch you being carried out in a body bag?” I know that’s a tough question, but you are worth asking it of.

Now, take a deep breath and let’s all have a bit of God-style, I’ve-got-your-back, comic relief. I had forgotten all about the following incident until it came up in a small group discussion a couple of weeks ago. Here’s what happened to Rob that very week.

At the time, he managed a store in a pretty sketchy area of town, though he’d never had any problems there. Imagine my surprise, when he came home visibly shaken one day. According to him, he’d been minding his own business in the store when a man came in looking for water. Not long after the man was in the shop, he stared ranting and cursing Rob and acting as though he were going to attack him. Rob ended up fleeing the shop completely unharmed, but as he recited the tale to me, he said that at the time it happened, he really thought the man was going to kill him.

So here was the God part in all of that. As Rob was telling me the story, I knew he’d been visited with a little divine payback. After all, this was on the heals of his making me think he was going to kill me. Nothing like this had ever happened before in his store (or happened after that time). While he remained physically safe in the incident, he was mentally and emotionally shaken.

Don’t get me wrong. God is light and there is no darkness in him. He does not promote evil. He did not force this stranger to behave this way. At the same time, he did not stand in the way of it happening.

“He is the God who pays back those who harm me; he subdues the nations under me.” Psalm 18:47 (New Living Translation, emphasis mine). I don’t know it for a fact, but I think this was a case where God allowed Rob to get a taste of his own medicine (so to speak), while his life was never really in danger.

All I can tell you was that as he recited the tale—clueless of any connection—I thought of how faithful God is. He protected us both, but he also allowed Rob to see for himself exactly what true terror felt like. In that moment, God confirmed his love for me, his protection of me, and his control of the situation. At a time when most of my family seemed unable to comprehend my need to leave the marriage, he sent me a gentle colleague to speak truth that sparked the courage to change. And then he topped it off by allowing Rob a life lesson sure to bring the understanding he was lacking.

If you are reading this and know that you have been living in a dangerous situation that you need to get out of, you need a plan. I worked with my counselor to develop a safe exit strategy. I am not a counselor, but I know there are shelters out there that can help you with such a plan. And I hope that should you find yourself in the middle of a terror incident, this story will give you the courage to call the police.

For all of us, no matter what our circumstances, we can know that God is on our side. “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV, emphasis mine)

God is with you. A mighty savior who loves you and delights in you to the point that he sings about it.

I just love the idea of God singing over me. Sometimes, I imagine it more as a love song, sometimes a lullaby. As I was on my way to work this morning, the first song on the radio was “By Your Side” by Tenth Avenue North. For anyone not familiar with it, it’s sung from God’s perspective to those he loves. Here are a few of the lyrics:

“I’ll be by your side wherever you fall. In the dead of night whenever you call. And please don’t fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you.”

As it played, I realized that this just may have been God’s way of singing over me this morning. I love it when he does that!

He’s always with us. Sometimes we just have to stop and listen for him.

You’re No One’s Doormat

2009-03-28T11:38:00.006-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, I came across one of the best opinion columns I’ve ever read about abuse. Perhaps it struck a chord with me because it was told from the perspective of a grown son who regrets pleading with his mother to take his abusive father back. It was real and honest and penned from the heart.

The column, “When a man hits a woman,” by Leonard Pitts, Jr., was written to Rihanna (the singer) following her much-publicized beating and apparent reconciliation with singer Chris Brown. I wanted to share this piece of it with anyone out there who is torn between loving someone and leaving them because they are abusive (whether that abuse is physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, or all of the above).

Pitts writes: “You can understand, perhaps, why many of us find it incomprehensible that you were reportedly spotted with him, apparently reconciled, just days later. Incomprehensible and yet, not surprising at all. On the contrary, it is the classic behavior of the battered woman. They tell themselves it was their fault. They tell themselves it was a one-time thing. They tell themselves he really is a good guy at heart. They tell themselves their love will change him.

They tell themselves lies, Ms. Fenty — lies, evasions and rationalizations. They tell themselves everything but the truth: that the man they love is damaged and dysfunctional. And that, absent some intense and committed therapy, he will do it again.

Repeating for emphasis: He will do it again. And again.”

I wish it weren’t true, but it is. When a relationship turns toxic it continues that way unless both parties get help. It becomes more toxic—not less—over time.

I’d like to add another dimension to this, because these are the things that had me stuck for so long. As a Christian woman, I felt responsible to stay and be a witness to him. I felt that I was wrong to leave, because if I truly forgave him, I would stay. I can remember repeated prayers for God to change him. To change me. To change the circumstances. To change anything that would allow us to stay together. I can remember as clear as a bell the Lord’s response in my spirit: “Get out of my way.”

Here’s the thing. I was the classic enabler. A doormat. I wanted God to deal with Rob, but then got in the way to mitigate anything that might get his attention.

Imagine my surprise when I came across these verses in Isaiah 51:22–23 (NIV).

“This is what your Sovereign LORD says, your God, who defends his people: ‘See, I have taken out of your hand the cup that made you stagger; from that cup, the goblet of my wrath, you will never drink again. I will put it into the hands of your tormentors, who said to you, “Fall prostrate that we may walk over you.” And you made your back like the ground, like a street to be walked over.’” (emphasis mine).

The reality was that while it wasn’t right that Rob was treating me that way, I was the one who was allowing him to walk over me. Was the Lord criticizing me for this? Did he say, “You made your bed, now lie in it”? No, that’s never been his way. God is about forgiveness, grace, love, redemption, and restoration.

Here’s how Isaiah continues in the very next passage. Here’s what the Lord’s remedy was to my failed effort to live happily as a doormat:

“Awake, awake, O Zion, clothe yourself with strength. Put on your garments of splendor, O Jerusalem, the holy city. The uncircumcised and defiled will not enter you again. Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive Daughter of Zion. For this is what the LORD says: ‘You were sold for nothing, and without money you will be redeemed.’” (Isaiah 52:1–3, emphasis mine)

God redeems us. We don’t earn it. We can’t buy it. We just accept his redemption.
Yes we are to forgive, but forgiveness does not mean that we continue to lie down and take whatever meanness someone wants to dish out. We are the Lord’s. We have been bought with a price. He loves us with an everlasting love. It was for freedom that Christ set us free.

Go back and read that passage from Isaiah 52, and insert your name into every place that is in red. None of us has to continue to live as a doormat, and especially not in the name of Christ.

We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, even finding the courage to leave when all other options have been exhausted.

Here’s how Pitts finished the letter to Rihanna: “I understand if you love him. But it's OK to love yourself some, too.”

No matter what anyone else says or thinks about your decision not to stay in an abusive situation, God promises that nothing can separate you from his love (Romans 8:38–39). Awake! Clothe yourself in strength. Free yourself from the chains on your neck. God has redeemed you!

Should you like to read the Pitt’s article in its entirety, here’s the link:
http://www.miamiherald.com/living/columnists/leonard-pitts/story/943498.html

Contradictions

2009-03-19T19:26:00.004-04:00

If I had one word to describe this time in my life it would be contradiction. Contradiction of hopes. Contradiction of desires. Contradiction of beliefs. Contradiction of dreams. Contradiction of time spent. Contradiction.

And frankly, that sense of contradiction is making me feel like a big phony… a big “ought to.” But the problem is that even the “ought to” is undefined. I desire to be the woman God wants me to be. But I desire to have things my way in my timing. I believe that God has my best in mind. But what if that best still isn’t that great?

As for dreams, I can’t rest at night for all of the dreams that God is pouring through me. And yet, in the daytime, my “dreams” for my own life have disappeared. Essentially, I’ve stopped dreaming. I don’t imagine my life with a husband and father to my son, because frankly, to do so seems pointless. I can’t imagine it, and anything I could imagine would probably be a lie. And honestly, it’s pretty difficult not to have dreams. Not to have desires. I guess that’s another contradiction. I do have those things, but I’ve stopped acknowledging them. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. But how do I live without deferring hope? This is definitely not the life I had envisioned for myself or for my son.

Contradiction of time spent. I feel like I have too much time and not enough time all at the same time. So what do I do with all of this? Where do I go with all of this contradiction? I give it again to the Lord, and I wait. I wait and I hope. The Lord says he knows the desires of my heart. He says that those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. He says that if I seek first the kingdom of God, all these things will be added unto me. Thank goodness that he knows what those are, because I sure don’t. All I can do is have faith that God will work all of this together for good. That he will restore what the canker-worm has stolen. That my job is to wait on the Lord. To be strong and to take heart and wait on the Lord. That I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

I’m sorry to even admit this, Lord, but I sure hope so. Which immediately brings me back to the reality that my life is paradise compared to the life experience of 98% of the world’s population. So Lord, forgive me for doubting and growing impatient. Help me to be strong. Renew my strength.

Come to think of it, Jesus is the ultimate contradiction. The spotless lamb and the Lion of the tribe of Judah. The beginning and the end. The servant and the king. Sacrificed for the sin of the world and glorified and seated at the right hand of the Father. Come to think of it, maybe this world of contradiction is right where I need to be. Bold but humble. Weak in myself but strong in the Lord.

“But if I go to the east, he (God) is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” (Job 23:8–10, NIV, emphasis mine)

Who Loves You, Baby?

2009-03-10T23:37:00.007-04:00

That’s what my Aunt Linda always says when she talks to my son or me. The appropriate response is, “You do! And who loves you, baby?”

No matter what kind of day you’re having, who can resist smiling at a question like that, or more importantly, feeling as Aunt Linda says, “10 feet tall and bullet-proof.”

Is it just me, or does anyone else out there ever feel alone? Abandoned? Overwhelmed? Let me just be real and say that sometimes I do. Maybe that’s why God spends so much of our quiet time together telling me he loves me.

I was saying to my friend Anne the other day, “How different would our lives be if we ever really grasped the extent to which God loves us individually and personally. The knowledge may be more than our mortal minds could contain!”

A few weeks ago, the Lord woke me up early in the morning to spend some time together. He often does this—I suppose so that he can have my undivided attention before I get caught up in the day’s overloaded schedule. I was tired, and not really in the mood to get up that early, but I muttered and complained my way over to the sofa in my home office where I turned on the reading lamp and tried to hold my eyes open.

I noticed as I read back through my journals with him from the past year, over and over again, I had written, “Lord, what would you have me know today?” And time and again, he had said, “I love you with an everlasting love. You are mine, and I am yours.”

“I am yours…” How precious is that: that I would not only belong to him but he to me.

Reading back through the journal, I found one morning when I changed up the question a bit. I had been preparing for a summer mission trip to Russia and was feeling particularly inadequate for the task. Coming to the end of meditating on Psalm 121 (“The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and evermore.”) I asked Him, “Lord, am I yours?”

He said the most beautiful thing: “You are mine, and I am yours forever. There is no greater love story than this. There is no fiercer battle cry. I am yours, and you are mine forever. I will not fail you. Only I am the perfect lover—one who loves unselfishly. Revel in my love. I know you are distracted. It’s okay. I don’t judge you for that. But give those cares to me. You’re carrying burdens you don’t need to carry. Let me take them for you, and you keep walking. Keep moving forward, but rest in me.”

How extravagant a love is that? How noble and pure. And yet, with all of that, how often do I get caught up in the little daily things that mean nothing and forget the depth of the One who first loved me?

Reading those words again that morning left me feeling grateful, 10 feet tall, and bulletproof. I hope it also encourages anyone who might read this.

Consider this: When we are true believers—when we are his—he knows everything about us—our strengths, weaknesses, sins, strong points, destinies, and distractions, and he still loves us—EXTRAVAGANTLY and without limit. Unlike human love, his love is not dependent on our performance or perfection, or anything we could do.

His Word continually reaffirms his love for us: He IS love. He is light and in him is no darkness. His light drives out darkness, and if he is for us, who can be against us? Nothing can separate us from the love of God. We are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ. He has engraved us in the palms of his hands and nothing can tear us from him, because he holds us fast. When we are weak, he is strong. He who began a good work in us is able to finish it and faithful to bring it to completion.

When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, take a moment to adjust your focus. Picture yourself taking those things that concern you and handing them over to Jesus one by one. (He actually tells us to do this: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” [1 Peter 5:7, NIV])

There’s no limit to the amount he will carry for you. As you do this, pray that he will show you anything else that is weighing you down, and release that to him as well.

Once you’ve given it all to him, ask him to show you how much he loves you. Ask him to give you a focus on him and the things of eternal significance, and then trust him with the things you’ve released to him.

One last thing: This isn’t a one-time-does-it kind of process. Repeat it as often as you find your focus shifted back to the problem rather than the Solution—Christ.

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.” (Isaiah 26:3–4, NIV)

Who loves you, baby? God does, that’s who.

God Is a Verb

2009-03-06T18:51:00.004-05:00

When you’re in the midst of or still healing from a traumatic event (like divorce), you need some things — someone— you can count on. You need to know that in a world that has gone crazy, there is One who is never out of control, never nuts, never confused. You need to know that God is there, not just for the world, but for you! You need to know that he’s continually working on your behalf, and he never changes.

“Every generous act and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights; with Him there is no variation or shadow cast by turning.” (James 1:17, Holman Christian Standard Bible, emphasis mine)

I don’t know how many of you have read The Shack by William Young, but it is a spectacular book for anyone who has ever experienced tragedy and wondered where God was in the midst of it. This is a novel (not a theological study) that paints a beautiful portrait of the ways that God—father, son, and Holy Spirit—is “particularly fond” of each of us as individuals. The Shack is an inspiring parable about God’s grace and mercy and his promise never to abandon us, even when we might feel completely alone.

Last fall, I plowed through the book in about three days because I just had to know what happened. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to reread it at a more leisurely pace so that I could really enjoy all of the nuances of the story.

As I was reading night before last, I came across a chapter that starts with the quote “God is a Verb.” In this chapter, the Holy Spirit explains to Mack (the main character whose daughter tragically disappeared three years earlier) that while religion is about rules and laws and institutions, God is about relationship. God is a verb. As the two talk, the Holy Spirit explains to Mack:

“I am a verb. I am that I am. I will be who I will be. I am a verb! I am alive, dynamic, ever active, and moving. I am a being verb…And as my very essence is a verb,” [the Holy Spirit] continued, “I am more attuned to verbs than nouns. Verbs such as confessing, repenting, living, loving, responding, growing, reaping, changing, sowing, running, dancing, singing, and on and on. Humans on the other hand, have a knack for taking a verb that is alive and full of grace and turning it into a dead noun or principle that reeks of rules: something growing and alive that dies. Nouns exist because there is a created universe and physical reality, but if the universe is only a mass of nouns, it is dead. Unless ‘I am,’ there are no verbs, and verbs are what makes the universe alive.” (p. 204, The Shack, William P. Young, ©2007, emphasis mine)

I know that seems a little out there, but isn’t it intriguing too? God is limitless—in power, love, knowledge, presence—he is limitless. He is all that we need in every situation.

Think about Moses. Here’s a quick summary of his life before leading the Israelites out of Egypt and slavery. He was born to a Jewish mom but raised by the Pharaoh’s daughter, only to lose his royal standing after flipping out and killing an Egyptian who was beating a Jewish man. Fleeing for his life, Moses ended up working as a shepherd in Midian…until the day he came across the burning bush from which the God started speaking to him. (Try explaining that one to the family!)

It turns out that God had a special assignment planned for Moses that was going to require God’s power but Moses’ willingness to act as a spokesperson. The job: Go to the Pharaoh and tell him to let God’s people go.

Did I mention Moses had a speech impediment (see Ex. 4:10)? He was a killer on the run now working as a shepherd. Don’t you love how God doesn’t let the way we label people—especially ourselves—keep him from accomplishing great things through us? Anyway, this is where we pick up the text:

“But Moses asked God, ‘Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and that I should bring the Israelites out of Egypt?’

He answered, ‘I will certainly be with you, and this will be the sign to you that I have sent you: when you bring the people out of Egypt, you will all worship God at this mountain.’

Then Moses asked God, ‘If I go to the Israelites and say to them: The God of your fathers has sent me to you, and they ask me, “What is His name?” what should I tell them?’

God replied to Moses, ‘I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: I AM has sent me to you.’ God also said to Moses, ‘Say this to the Israelites: Yahweh, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you. This is My name forever; this is how I am to be remembered in every generation.’” (Exodus 3:11–15, Holman Christian Standard Bible, emphasis mine)

God’s very identity is action. It’s a verb. What action do you need God to take in your life? Do you need him to save, heal, restore, protect, provide, inspire, empower, inform, guide, give, or deliver? No matter what it is that you need from God today, pray and ask him for it. More than anything, he wants a real, day-in-day-out, down in the messy details of life relationship with you. He wanted this so much that he acted on it.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 (New International Version, emphasis mine)

He’s not waiting for you to be perfect. He is just waiting for you to ask. God is love. And he is a Verb.

Seriously...

2009-03-03T17:42:00.001-05:00

That's the word that keeps repeating in my mind today: Seriously... I think I'm still in shock, but in a good way this time. This is not what I intended to write about today, but I just can't shake it, so maybe it's exactly what I should write about!

Here's the thing that has me so amazed: My ex-husband has actually apologized to me twice in the last 24 hours. To truly understand what this means—and so you will know that I'm not being the least bit sarcastic about my amazement and joy—you need to know a little bit of history.

I spent the last year-and-a-half of my marriage and the first year-and-a-half after our divorce terrified of Rob (my ex). I fully expected that he would kill me or himself or both of us, so much so that when I left our family home, I moved into a gated community and got a monitored alarm system.

When I first asked for a separation, Rob was furious. He blamed all of the following for our marital problems: me, most of my friends, Dr. Phil, my mom, our marriage counselor, the church, and the list goes on. He and his behavior, however, were nowhere on the list. There was always an excuse, and he alternated between feeling sorry for himself—and trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him—and striking out at me to try to terrify me into complying.

Some of this was my fault. I had spent most of the 12 years we were married going along with whatever he wanted. (I'm not talking about Christian submission here; I'm talking about letting him get away with all sorts of bad behavior.) When I finally decided I would no longer put up with it, I think he was in shock.

During marriage counseling (after he'd left the process and I continued going on my own), the counselor explained that we were in a cycle of violence. She showed me that the next step in the cycle was either jail for him or the hospital or death for one of us. It got my attention.

During those sessions, she taught me two important coping skills.

1. If he started to rage about something, no matter what he said, I was only to say "Okay." For example, "You should have gone to the store like I told you to." "OK." "You're such a lazy bitxx." "OK."

Now I know what a lot of you are thinking: Are you nuts? I wouldn't let someone speak to me that way. But here's what I learned. It only took about two "okays" before the conversation was over. Since I wasn't arguing with him about it, there was nowhere else for the conversation to go.

2. If we were on the phone and he started to rage, I could hang up. Now all of you good, southern ladies out there (and probably the midwesterners too) actually cringe at the idea of hanging up on anyone. I couldn't stand the thought, so Isa (the counselor) cut me some slack. She said, "Tell him, 'This conversation is not productive so I am hanging up now.' and then hang up." While that was still really uncomfortable, I put it into practice.

I think you can imagine how this went the first several times I tried it. Rob would keep calling me back until I answered the phone again, and the cycle would repeat for about three hangups. Over the years, this has gradually diminished to the point where he now only calls back once, and even then those bad calls have become few and far between.

Fast forward six years to yesterday morning. I was at work when Rob called me on the cell phone. I immediately recognized the tone in his voice. Sure enough, before long, he was raging. Forgetting the "OK" advice, I tried to have a conversation with him about the (non)issue. After about three rounds, I said, "This conversation is not productive, so I'm hanging up." And I did. No call back. Nearly two hours passed before he finally called again. Recognizing the number and expecting more of the same, I didn't answer.

Now imagine my amazement when I listened to the voice mail, and the first thing he said was, "Kim, I just wanted to call and apologize for the way I acted earlier today. I never should have called you like that." I almost dropped the phone. "I guess it just hit a nerve...and I realize I still have some issues to deal with there." (Issues? He's never thought he had issues much less any that needed to be dealt with!) "Anyway, I wish that I had gotten to talk to you in person about this, and I hope that you will accept my apology." I've saved the message. Seriously. I've even listened to it again.

On the way home from work today he called me, and again he said, "And I am sorry about that call yesterday." For the record, both days, I accepted the apology (the first day to his voice mail, and today as we talked).

Now, here's the important part. This is why I'm sharing all of this on this blog. Don't give up. It took six years and daily (sometimes hourly prayer) to get to this place. We've come from me being terrified of him to him actually taking responsibility for acting poorly and then apologizing.

If you have found yourself in a similar situation, be safe. You do not have to stay there. It doesn't matter what your parents think. Your friends. The pastor or your church. No one should stay in an environment where they do not feel safe. Ever.

Be safe. But don't give up praying for the Lord's intervention. Keep praying that the Lord will heal the relationship—not restore the marriage (unless that's what you want)—but heal the relationship so that you can both move forward and live in peace and forgiveness.

I am so thankful that the Lord has brought us to this place. There is no other explanation. This was a man who confidently declared six years ago that he would not go to anger management classes, and therefore, he did not have an anger problem. Keep praying. Keep forgiving.

Move on with your life. Be safe. But forgive. For your sake and for your kids.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12–14 (NIV, emphasis mine)

Inspiration for this blog: Part 2

2009-03-01T13:39:00.001-05:00

The Heart Mender... I got this name from a vision the Lord gave me while on a 2008 summer mission trip to Russia. I was attending the Barnabas School to teach pastors and lay leaders from all over Russia about "Meditating on the Word and Hearing from the Lord." To say that I felt challenged was an understatement. This was the fifth year in a row that I had an opportunity to make the trip (the second year teaching at the Barnabas School), and this summer more than ever, I felt like I had absolutely nothing to offer.

Beginning in January 2008, I was hit with a bout of clinical depression that threatened to take me under. By the time I recognized it and sought help in March, I feared I was on the verge of suffering a nervous breakdown. It was not pretty. On the outside, I continued to function well at work, and other than the occasional meltdown over parenting power struggles, things continued to go fine at home. But inside, I was a disaster—a mass of gloom and despair.

How could this be happening? I was leading a ladies Bible study group and enjoyed it. I was active in church. I had a wonderful job, a great family, and lots of awesome girlfriends. I was filled with the Holy Spirit, spending time each day in prayer and study, and doing all the right "stuff." But I was overwhelmed with the demands of life—especially single motherhood—and felt that I had come to my breaking point.

I tell you this for two reasons:
(1) You can be doing all the "right" things and still get hit with a vicious spiritual and emotional attack. If you've been there, you know what I mean. If you're there right now, keep pushing through. Get the help you need, and surround yourself with encouragers. (We've all had friends and family like Job who choose the dark times to tell us we must be doing something wrong, or worse, advise us to "curse God and die" (not making that up...Job's wife actually said that to him during his crisis—Job 2:9).

(2) It was in the midst of this "black night" that I had to commit to whether I would make the trip to Russia. Everything in me screamed, "No. I can't do this." But when I prayed about it, God said to go. To be honest, I had a bit of an attitude about it. I kept praying, and he kept giving me the same answer. So I begrudgingly committed to go, and as I did, I told him that it was completely up to him to work everything out—including developing all of the materials that I would teach—because I had nothing to give.

Not surprisingly this is exactly when God can really work in us...when we get out of the way, throw up our hands, and say, "This one is on you, God! So if anything good is going to come of this, you'd better make it happen."

Every aspect of the trip that summer went smoothly. Although donations were down from sponsors that year, I received an unplanned bonus from work that covered the remainder of the cost. My parents asked to fly my son out to Louisiana for much of the time that I was away. (His care while I'm away has always been my greatest point of anxiety.) The timing with work projects came out perfectly. Even the materials for the class came together at a steady pace.

The time came to leave for the trip, and though all of the preparation had gone well, I was still fatigued—emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually—from the months of struggle. Again, I prayed, "I've got nothing to give, so you will have to do this."

Harvest Time

As usual when we commit our time, talents, or funds to do something to help someone else, we always end up getting back more than we invested. So it shouldn't have surprised me that this is exactly what happened for me on this trip. Each morning, the school day started with a devotion and worship service. Every evening ended with a worship and prayer service. One of those evenings, during the worship time, the Lord healed me of years of heartbreak I did not realize I was even still carrying around.

As the group sang, I was talking (praying) through anger issues with God—mostly anger toward myself for making a bad marriage choice and then for the divorce. I envisioned giving all of that anger to Jesus. (I often picture the two of us standing together on a beach, and that's where he was when I handed him this giant, sloppy, black ball of anger from inside of me.)

Next, I saw myself with a broken heart that I handed to him. Jesus took my broken heart, and I watched as he walked around a circle in which all of the boys and men who had ever hurt or disappointed me were standing. My ex-husband. Former loves. The man who molested me at a water park when I was ten years old and couldn't understand what I had done wrong.

As Jesus walked to each of these people, he took back from them a piece of my broken heart. Then, as I watched, he formed all of those broken pieces into one whole heart and placed it in himself. As he did, I was reminded of the Maya Angelou quote: “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.”

In that moment, I felt entirely safe and loved. Instantly, my broken heart was mended, not like some Frankensteinien patchwork, but new and whole and beautiful. It was safe and hidden in Christ.

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” (Proverbs 29:25, NIV)

“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?...For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock." (Psalm 27: 1 & 5, NIV)

Has your heart been broken? Is it still? Maybe like me, you didn't even realize the source of the fear or sadness. Maybe the breaks happened so long ago that it seems they should no longer have any power over you. Or maybe they're so fresh, you're surprised you're not leaving a bloody trail behind you as you struggle throughout the day. Regardless of what stage you find yourself in, there is a Heart Mender waiting to heal those breaks and make your heart new.

The Heart Mender

Isaiah 61: 1 - 3 (NIV, emphasis mine) records this prophesy about the Heart Mender:
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."

Hundred of years later, Luke records the day that Jesus read this same passage from Isaiah:

"Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. He taught in their synagogues, and everyone praised him. He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: 'The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.' Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, 'Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.' " Luke 4:14 - 21 (NIV, emphasis mine)

Be encouraged: The bible tells us that the Lord is not a respecter of persons (Acts 10:34), which is just another way of saying, he loves all his children the same way and desires to bless and heal us all. Ask him today to heal your heart, bind up old wounds, comfort you, and swap your spirit of despair for a garment of praise. Allow him to take your heart and hide it in the only place it will stay safe—in him.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."(Spoken by Jesus, John 15:5, NIV, emphasis mine.)

I don't know about you, but I don't want to lose any more time to a fruitless life. I want every moment to count, and to accomplish that, all I have to do is remain in him. There is no better place for our hearts to be.

Inspiration for this blog: Part 1

2009-02-28T21:20:00.004-05:00

This blog is named A Little While—Heart Mender because of two encounters I've had with the Lord that I will never forget. I share these in the hope that they will be an encouragement to you.

The first was a poem that he gave me during some of the darkest hours following my divorce. I was one of millions who believed that this would never happen to me. I've always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. When I divorced in 2003, my world was shaken to the core. More than anything, I wanted to get back the life that I had envisioned, and God continually had to remind me to seek first the kingdom of God and all these things would be added unto me. He gave me this poem in April 2004 to give me hope during the wait.

“Endurance”
A little while and we’ll be done;
see, you no longer have to run.
Rest in me, your God and King,
your loving Father sure to bring

you so much more than you could know
on this side. But I will show
my outstretched arm, my glory here.
My words are true, so stop your fear.

You are blessed and my delight.
I’m pleased with you! And at the sight
of my awesome power beyond compare
my love and joy you two will share.

He will be your earthly love.
You two will serve my plan above.
And I, in turn, grant your desires—
a life of passion, hope, and fire,

a flame that dances, glows, and roars.
Two hearts and minds united soar
all to my glory—rest assured.
Faith, hope, and love—these three endure.

A Little While

When he first spoke these words into my spirit, I thought "a little while" meant just that...a little while. I vowed that with his help, I would remain single and celibate as I waited for him to deliver the godly husband he had promised; after all, I could wait a little while. As one year turned into two, into three, then into four, I was tempted to be discouraged, give up waiting on God's plan to come to fruition, and take action on my own. In response, I launched into several studies about what God has to say about waiting, his timing, seasons, and all sorts of other topics related to time. What I learned has forever altered the way that I look at things in the here and now, and I feel called to share those insights to help others who are in the same waiting mode and tempted to give up.

During times when I have been taunted with the notion that I will always be single, God reminds me of this poem. I can think of no better Match Maker than he and no better timing than his. If you are also waiting for your life's dreams to be fulfilled, be encouraged: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future' (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)."

This passage is familiar to many of us and often quoted, but if we really want to be free to enjoy all of those good plans—the hope and the future God has planned for us—we can't overlook the verses that follow: "'Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,' declares the LORD, 'and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.' (Jeremiah 29:12-14, NIV, emphasis mine)"

We must seek him to find him. But the promise is this: When we seek Him, with all our hearts, we will find him and he will bring us back from whatever has been holding us captive. Don't be discouraged when it takes a little while to get there. The Lord is as much about the transformation of the journey as he is the destination.