Intruder Alert!

"Shields up! Shields up! Intruder alert!" (Sirons blaring in the background...) That insidious alarm has been replaying in my head since a little over a week ago when I first met a man I will refer to as “John.” But I'm getting ahead of myself here.


Protected Not Rejected

Perhaps you've read some of my earlier posts where I've talked about the deal God and I have. Me to God, "I don't want to date until you're ready to send me a godly husband. I don't want just any man; I want the man."

A couple of years into this conversation, after I'd not received even an invitation out to coffee with a man—and I'd not been hiding in my house that whole time—I got frustrated and demanded of God, "What am I...a troll?"

His response, "Do you want to date or not? Because you told me that you don't want to date."

Silence. My reluctant, "You've got a point." (Picture pages flying off a calendar as years go by.)

If you had asked me two months ago (and seven years separated/divorced) whether I was ready for God to bring this to pass, I would have given you a very snide "duh" and an eyeball roll as a response. Imagine my surprise when even the thought of someone who could possibly be that man entering my life sent me into panic.


This Is Not a Drill

Before going any further, let me throw in one disclaimer to the story. I am not expecting that a couple of dates and a few weeks into the process have established that my godly future husband has suddenly appeared. “John” is a Christian, very intriguing, intimidatingly intelligent and gifted, and a gentleman. If this new friendship were one day to develop into a marriage that God put together, that would be wonderful. But regardless of what happens with this specific situation, the first thing it did was shine a prison-break spotlight onto some areas of my life that I thought were healed.

1. The aforementioned panic alarm: I haven't heard such wailing and carrying on since I was in the throws of my divorce.
2. Vain imaginations: “John” called one evening to describe the beautiful sunset he was seeing on the way home. He then went on to talk about talented musician friends of his with whom he'd spent the day. As he was saying this, the alarm siren changed to: "He's been off smoking pot and having sex with wild women all day?" “John” was describing the lake, swans, sunset, and all of the beauty around him, and I'm buying a bottle of wine to deal with the fears about what he's really been up to that day. Irrational. The only saving grace was that I knew such thoughts were ridiculous as they were careening around my head, but that didn't stop them.
3. Inability to sleep: If I get to sleep, I don't stay asleep. When I am asleep, I'm plagued with worrisome dreams.

Calling in Reinforcements

To my credit, it only took a few days of this before I decided enough was enough. I called my pastor and asked to meet that afternoon. He is well aware of the vast history of betrayal on every level of my marriage and the terror I lived with at the end and through my first two single years after divorce.

Gene listened quietly as I sobbed my way through a recitation of some of the worst of it before reiterating the non-dating agreement with the Lord. When I had finished, he smiled and kindly remarked: “When did you make a vow with the enemy that you were never going to let anyone get close to you ever again? That you would never let anyone in to hurt you again? Because you may have declared that as a temporary relief to your pain, but Satan took that as a contract. If you are going to move forward in a relationship, and I don't think that God has called you to a life of singleness, then you are going to have to be willing to renounce and repent of that vow.”

I was shocked at the truth of his remarks. I had made that vow. Every day for months on end as I went into survival mode in that marriage. Even more days as I transitioned through the divorce. There is was, and it was clear. That was exactly what I had done.


Should Be Simple Enough to Fix

Problem recognized. Solution identified. Implement solution. Live happily ever after.

That's not how it went. Problem recognized. Solution identified. Recoil from idea of even considering renouncing that vow. Beyond the emotional jolt, the physical reaction those words caused in me left me sitting there in silence for a moment. I finally responded, "I can't pray that right now. I'm too afraid of what that will mean. But I am willing to pray for the courage to renounce it."

So that's where we started. We prayed for the courage to renounce the vow.


Work in Progress

I share this with you to say that once you've been wounded in a divorce, it's not uncommon to want to protect yourself from such deep hurt ever again. Stop and consider your own situation: Have you made such a vow? Have you effectively walled yourself off from the blessing of any future mate God wants to bring into your life? Maybe, like me, even the thought of renouncing that vow is too difficult. But you can also pray for the courage to do so. God is willing to go with you one step at a time.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9 (NIV). Like Joshua, sometimes the scary places that we need God to walk with us in are actual physical locations, such as into a mission field. But many times, they are emotional places, old memories, current insecurities that are still rooted in the dark places that we may not even be aware of.
Trust God with those dark places. Let Him shine a light into that darkness and drive out any fear. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV).


Knowing Who to Trust

As for me, the alarm bells have been silenced for the most part. Every now and then, they start back up, but at a much quieter level. When they begin again, I go back to God with this prayer: “I don’t yet trust my ability to make a sound choice regarding a man. And I don’t yet know ‘John’ well enough to trust that he could be that choice. But I do trust you, Lord, and I choose to focus my mind on that trust."

No matter where you are in your own journey, as believers we all have this in common: We are all called to live by faith and not by sight and to depend on the Lord step by step. Let's keep stepping and watch and see where the Lord leads us. It's guaranteed to be somewhere great!