Seven Years to the Day

Here I sit seven years to the day since my divorce was finalized. I can't believe seven years have already passed. If you had asked me then what this day would look like, the reality I would have described would have looked nothing like this. Isn't that the way life is, though? Never what we expect. Sometimes worse, but usually much better.

So here is what I would tell you about these past seven years:

1. I am so much stronger than I was before. God has taught me that He is my provider, my protector, and my inspiration, and I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. During the past seven years, He has seen me through six mission trips to Russia, two professional positions, and restarting my own business. He's taught me that I could live peacefully and confidently on my own without having to rely on an earthly man to run the household (not that it won't be nice to have that man in the household some day).

2. Learning to use power tools is not rocket science. I've not only mastered an array of screwdrivers, plyers, and a hammer, but I've been pretty successful with a power drill as well. It comes down to being willing to try and fail. That's why God created spackle (or at least inspired its creation). In the spiritual realm, He called it mercy and grace. We're way too afraid of the "What if this doesn't go right or turn out like I planned?" to try a lot of what God has for our lives. One of the greatest gifts of suffering a catastrophe and recovering is experiencing the freedom that comes with knowing that anything that isn't fatal really can be used for your good.

3. God still enjoys showing off. I've been witness to my aunt's miraculous healing from a brain aneurism, my own instantaneous healing from a torn ligament around my right ankle, and several additional healings (including a woman with an issue of blood, a man with back and shoulder injuries, and another woman with severe allergies) for other people I've had the opportunity to intercede for. Wow!

4. God not only heals us physically, but He is a master restorer of relationships. He took what was a terribly broken, dysfunctional mess with my ex-husband, and created a successful co-parenting effort that works pretty well most of the time. (Let's just say it's a far cry from the days I cowered in fear and prayed that my then-husband wouldn't kill me.)

5. I've learned that having faith requires...well lots of faith. And prayer. And encouragement. And perseverance. And Jesus, lots of Jesus. In fact, more than anything else, Jesus. Real faith requires a vivid understanding, on most days at least, of just how much He loves each of us individually. We have to know that His promises are true because He is Truth. And when Jesus says that He will never leave us or forsake us, we know that this is true because He cannot lie. No matter who else leaves, no matter what other betrayal happens, He is sharing life - and life more abundantly - with us for all eternity.

6. God has used this time to allow me to rediscover who I am, the gifts He's given me, the dreams I'd long ago surrendered, and the endless possibilities of where He will take me in this life and on into eternity. Again, once everything you thought you were and wanted is ripped out from under you, you have the choice to see this as an opportunity for new possibilties. With God all things are possible, and He is able to do exceedingly above all that we could ask or imagine. Think big. Dream big. Have big faith, because you serve a big God!

7. Today is a gift from God, and I have to be intentional about seeing it that way. I woke up this morning because He had something to bless me with today as well as work to accomplish through me today. He already knew this day assigned to me and had a good plan for it. If I wake again tomorrow, it will be for the same reasons. With each day that comes I will have the choice to focus on the good of the day or to slog around in the muck and mire of difficult circumstances that cross my path. Don't get me wrong. Some days, I find myself slogging through the pit, but thankfully, God has greatly minimized my tolerance for being willing to stay there.

So here I sit. Seven years to the day since my divorce was finalized. I feel good, really good about how far God has brought me. And I am oh so excited about where He is taking me. Who knows where that will be? Who knows everything He has planned? I don't know, but I trust the One who does.

Power in You

From my journal, August 4, 2010

This was a word of encouragement the Lord spoke over me that I think is appropriate for all of His children. I pray that it will build you up and give you hope!

“I love you with an everlasting love. My power lives in you and cannot be carried off as the ark was carried off in the day of Eli. Do not fear. I am always with you, in you, surrounding you. Do not despair when you face challenges. Do not give up when you feel weak—give in to my power. Surrender yourself—your ideas, goals, dreams—to me. Surrender your plans for the future. Seek first my kingdom, and all these things will be added unto you.

You are not rejected but protected. Stand firm and do not let the enemy re-conquer the promised land that you have taken. Do not surrender to fear or depression or hardship, but revel in my miracle-working power that is working in you, through you, and around you.”

Deep Calls to Deep

"Deep calls to deep" is a phrase that the Lord has been speaking over me for a couple of months now. On Sunday, I was inspired to pen this poem.

Deep Calls to Deep

In the stillness of the chaos hides the quiet of the deep
stirred and stirring, cool and dark
tucked away beneath the waves
that blow and drive and toss about.

'Neath the surface—'neath the current
in the stillness of the deep
is a solace in the quiet—is a silence
quite complete.

Shadows comfort, seldom broken
by light's harsh, intruding glare—
life imagined—fast unfolding
moving, tossing, tumbling, rare.

In the stillness of the deep
in the quiet of its slumber
calls another to its other
draw closer now, draw closer still.

One spring comforts, fills another,
joins together, bubbles up
breaks the surface, braves the storm front
billows forward—forms as one.

“When” Times

Is it just me, or do you often find that the reality of life has a way of running over the religious doctrine that teaches that, if you’re a Christian, life will always be good or that even if it's not good, you need to pretend that it is? Oh, it’s not often stated that directly, but challenging times, times that make us wonder whether we really are alone in the world, doubts and despair, are often quickly dismissed by well-meaning Christians who interpret these feelings as a lack of faith or spiritual immaturity.

Here’s the truth of the matter, straight from Jesus: “In this world you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world."

You and I need to know that. There’s power in knowing that. Why? Because often when we have trouble the enemy starts to work on us. Are we in sin? Where did we mess up? What did we do that we shouldn’t have done or not do that we should have done? Yes, sometimes, we are in sin, or we have messed up, or we’ve been lazy or acted when we shouldn’t have. Sometimes we bring trouble on ourselves. But a lot of times, we just have trouble. It’s just a part of life. Things break. People fail us purely out of their own humanity. We get caught up in natural disasters or economic crashes completely not of our making. What then?


Not If, but When

I call these the “when” times, because it’s not a matter of if we will face difficulties but when. These “whens” are coming, so what do we need to know about them when they do?

“But now, this is what the LORD says—he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior …’” Isaiah 43:1–3 (NIV)

The Message paraphrase puts it this way: “But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel: ‘Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end—Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior.’”

In the “when” times, you and I can know that God is with us as our savior, redeemer, provider, rescuer—anything we need. That’s where the “take heart, I’ve overcome the world” reminder comes into the picture.


You Are Not Alone

Joshua, Moses’ right-hand man, was in a “when” time. Lots of them as a matter of fact. But this particular “when” came with a huge amount of responsibility, pressure, and risk. After wandering around the wilderness for 40 years with Moses and millions of doubting, recently freed Israelites, Moses died.

The figurehead of the nation, the man who sat with God and came back with the Ten Commandments—not once but twice—was gone. The leader through whom God had worked countless miracles of deliverance and provision died, and they didn’t even have his bones to bury, because the Lord took him and buried him in an unknown place.

The Israelites grieved for 30 days, and Scripture records: “Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the LORD knew face to face, who did all those miraculous signs and wonders the LORD sent him to do in Egypt—to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land. For no one has ever shown the mighty power or performed the awesome deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel” Deuteronomy 34:10–12 (NIV).

So here’s Joshua. His leader—the nation’s leader, unsurpassed prophet and miracle worker—is dead. And who gets to lead the millions who’ve been doubting, murmuring, and complaining, and are now grieving, into the Promised Land? Joshua. Thanks for that, God. No pressure there. This is the same land that was filled with giants in the spies’ report 40 years ago. That’s not changed. It’s still occupied territory. This is an exponentially challenging “when” time.

God understood this. He knew that Joshua was facing a difficult—impossible in his own strength and wisdom—proposition. God knew that Joshua was afraid and doubtful of their chances for success. How do I know this? Because God took the time, not once but three times, to build him up and assure him that God was right in the middle of this “when” and they were guaranteed the victory.

The third time, God said, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” Joshua 1:9 (NIV).

If you’re in a “when” time that seems overwhelming and unsalvageable, I encourage you to read the book of Joshua and all of the ways that God showed out during the “whens.” I promise, you’ll be inspired. But for now, here’s what you need to know about this story:

“So the LORD gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. The LORD gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; the LORD handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled,” Joshua 21:43–45 NIV.

Oh, yeah, the people of Israel experienced some “when” times. They met dirt, grime, war, hardships, and defeats along the way to the Promised Land, but when it was all said and done, they had complete victory.


Know This

You, too, will endure some "when" times, but with God—who goes with you anywhere you go—you are empowered with everything you need to handle them: You are more than a conqueror. The one who is in you (God’s Spirit) is greater than anything you may face in the world. No weapon formed against you will prevail. God will never leave you or forsake you.

Because of your faith in Jesus, you are God’s child. And if you and I, who are human, know how to give good gifts to our kids, how much more does God know how to give good things to us when we ask?

Lastly, maybe you’re not the one in a “when” time, but someone you love is. In addition to your prayers for them, what do they need from you? “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15 (NLT). Be there for them through their doubts and fears. Laugh with them and cry with them. Encourage them about the victory that will come through God’s faithfulness and power despite the “when.”

“In this world you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world." That victory is not a matter of if but when!

Girl's Got Some Issues

It was three o'clock in the morning, and I remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting in his mother's den, I was frantic that Rob (my then-boyfriend, now ex-husband) was not home and had not called. As I cried to his mother and wondered aloud whether we should call the highway patrol and the emergency rooms, she seemed surprisingly noncommittal. Did I really think that something had happened to Rob? She supposed that he was just out having a good time with friends.

"No," I fervently protested. "That's just not like him not to call." I was only 19 or 20 at the time and didn't realize then all of the scared, lonely nights that lay before me. The reality was that he was out with friends having a good time that night and had not thought to call. In the years to come, it became "my" issue. Didn't I know better than to think he was dead in a ditch somewhere?

Over time, the problem escalated to the point that despite my worry for him, I did believe that it was more likely than not that he would make it home sometime late into the night, extremely intoxicated and not in the least sorry for the concern that he had caused. As the years went by, my fear was slowly replaced by anger and bitterness that were kept at bay on all but the worst nights when he'd come home drunk and amorous and not wanting to accept no for an answer.

This came to an abrupt end three years into our marriage with a phone call I received in the middle of a sunny, hot Texas afternoon. "Ask your husband about Diane," was the first thing the anonymous caller said.

"What?"

"Ask your husband who he was with last night."

"Who are you and why are you calling here?"

"Because I think you should know that your husband was out with Diane all night."

I stood there shocked and appalled as the caller hung up. In the midst of all my previous feelings of fear and anger, it had never occurred to me that Rob would actually be out with another woman. I know that sounds naive, but despite any other issues, we were really good friends who enjoyed each other's company and an active, adventurous sex life. What reason would he possibly have for stepping out with someone else?

When Rob returned home that evening, he answered my questions with, "Don't be ridiculous. I may have been dancing with girls at the club last night, but I wasn't out with anyone." Pressed further, my fears were deemed "crazy," and I was warned not to become one of "those controlling, obsessive wives."

To my credit, the latest escalation was enough to make me demand we go to marriage counseling. It was a grueling, weekly process with each session ending in a near-migraine headache. Rob stood his ground. He was not having, nor had he ever had, an affair.

Life-Changing Phone Call

After nearly six months in marriage counseling and sober, responsible, repentant behavior on Rob's part, I came to the conclusion that we were ready to phase out of the counseling. There hadn't been any more anonymous calls, unexplained debit charges, or late nights out. Rob was as attentive as he had been when we first started dating.

And then the break-through bleeding started. At first, I chalked it up to the stress of graduate school, but when the issues continued, I made an appointment to see my gynecologist. Dr. Casanova's office (yes, that was his real name) called me at work with the news that I had Chlamydia. Thankfully, Chlamydia is a curable STD. Let me qualify: The physical symptoms are curable. The emotional after-effects of being infected with an STD by your husband last years after the antibiotics have killed any bacteria.

I sat in my office, mouth agape, as I asked the doctor's office to explain again my diagnosis. Was it possible that I had been infected prior to my marriage, more than three years ago? No. Was it possible that I could have contracted it from some public place, like a restroom? No. The facts were these: I had been in what I thought was a committed relationship for more than seven years (three of those married), and during that time, the man I was committed to had exposed me to an STD.

We've Got Something We Need to Talk About
Rob arrived home from work to find me waiting at the kitchen table that evening. "We've got something we need to talk about," I said quietly.

"What?" the abrupt response.

As I told him the news from the doctor's office that day, he looked at me without flinching and said, "So who have you been screwing around with, because I don't have any disease!"

I'm quite sure it would have stung less to have him punch me in the face than to hear those words. Rob was the only man with whom I'd ever had sexual intercourse. Within a matter of hours, I'd been forced to face the fact that not only was that not true for him during the course of our marriage, but that he was going to try to blame me for this.

For once, I got angry. Furious. When he realized that I was not about to accept that, he made his way back to our bedroom. Still sitting at the kitchen table, crying quietly now, I heard a distinct noise. Sprinting back to the bedroom, I found him sitting on the side of the bed with a gun, cocked, against his temple. Tearfully, Rob admitted that he was the one who'd had the affair but swore that it had been a one-night stand. (I've never understood how that was supposed to make it better, even if I'd believed—even then—that it was the truth.)

Within a matter of weeks, he was battling an issue that appeared to be cancer of the lymph nodes, and I retreated fully into co-dependent, nursing role. Following surgery, recovery, and a good prognosis, we decided to reconcile. We traveled to Las Vegas on our wedding anniversary and renewed our vows at Graceland Wedding Chapel with an officiant who was dressed as Elvis. (Yes, really...) Life leveled out and stayed on what seemed to be a pretty even keel until I became pregnant with our son.

The Reader's Digest version of the story is this: With Austin's birth came Rob's jealousies for my time and attention and the old drinking behaviors. Within two years, he was staying out again, and all of the red flags were back about extramarital flings. This time, however, things were worse. He now became obsessed with the idea that I was having affairs, that men were hitting on me, that I was looking for a reason to leave him. After 12 years of marriage, and another failed attempt at marriage counseling and reconciliation, I came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do was divorce. The terror and difficulty of those times have been discussed in other blog posts, but the last straw came one night when he broke into the house, and I thought he would kill us both.

The Ghost of Terror Past

Flash forward seven years and an emotional and spiritual lifetime. Here's why I'm sharing this ancient history with you. Because, to my dismay, the feelings of those memories are not quite so ancient. Surprise (and not a good one)!

"John" and I have been developing a friendship for a little over a month now. I really like him and respect him. He's kind, brilliant, and gentlemanly with a dry wit. I enjoy time spent with him, and I can imagine us developing a lifelong friendship—or more.

We've now been out as friends on several occasions, and we often text late into the night just sharing life with each other. In all regards, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, it would be impossible for him to be any more different from Rob.

Last week, I was on a family vacation to Mexico for the week. I returned Sunday afternoon, and that evening and the next, we resumed our routine of texting late into the night. Tuesday was my first day back to work, and celebrating the end of the day, I sent him a text to proclaim that I'd survived and to inquire about his day. No response.

As the evening progressed, I started to feel a spiritual heaviness for him (not relating to the two of us but to him particularly). I've been given the gift of intercessory prayer so it's not unusual for me to begin to feel a real burden for someone. By nine that evening, I was so concerned that I sent him an encouraging email and pasted in one of my blog posts (about God bringing life to the dead areas in our lives) as a pick-me-up. No response.

By the next afternoon, the old panic was back. I sent another text—with a funny, light tone—asking him to let me know that he was okay. No response. Thirty minutes later, I called and left a short voice mail, expressing the same concern and request. No response. The fear that began to grip me was distracting. "John" lives by himself. While he's in good general health, he does have high blood pressure. What if something had happened? What if he was hurt or injured and there was no one there to help?

Suddenly all of the old scripts began to play in my head. He's off with another woman. He's drunk somewhere or in trouble with the law. (Rob had three DUIs in an 8-year span.) I had absolutely no reason to think any of these things. He's not had any behaviors to indicate that he would do these sorts of things. The reality was, here were old hurts for which I still need to receive healing. Ouch!

Let's Get Real

Around six o-clock that evening, "John" texted to let me know that he was out of town working in Pensacola. He had received my Facebook message and "had no time to process and respond." He apologized and wished me well for the day. Of course, he had mentioned to me on Monday that he was trying to pull a work trip together to the Panhandle. This was not his issue. It was mine.

As I related this to a Christian girlfriend of mine, she reminded me of one of the passages that God keeps bringing to mind in this process: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" (Phillipians 4:8, NIV).

As this relationship develops, time and again, I've had to remember these two things:
(1) Satan is a liar, the father of all lies, and there is no truth in him. Of course, he'd like nothing better than to destroy a beautiful friendship with fear and doubt.
(2) God is faithful. I don't trust myself to make relationship decisions yet, and I don't know "John" well enough to trust him. But I do trust God to lead me where I should go in this, to speak to me about His will for me, and to work all things together for my good.

Who would have thought that receiving the very thing you've been waiting on for seven years might demand more faith than the wait itself. Thankfully, God is with me—and you—every step of the way!

Intruder Alert!

"Shields up! Shields up! Intruder alert!" (Sirons blaring in the background...) That insidious alarm has been replaying in my head since a little over a week ago when I first met a man I will refer to as “John.” But I'm getting ahead of myself here.


Protected Not Rejected

Perhaps you've read some of my earlier posts where I've talked about the deal God and I have. Me to God, "I don't want to date until you're ready to send me a godly husband. I don't want just any man; I want the man."

A couple of years into this conversation, after I'd not received even an invitation out to coffee with a man—and I'd not been hiding in my house that whole time—I got frustrated and demanded of God, "What am I...a troll?"

His response, "Do you want to date or not? Because you told me that you don't want to date."

Silence. My reluctant, "You've got a point." (Picture pages flying off a calendar as years go by.)

If you had asked me two months ago (and seven years separated/divorced) whether I was ready for God to bring this to pass, I would have given you a very snide "duh" and an eyeball roll as a response. Imagine my surprise when even the thought of someone who could possibly be that man entering my life sent me into panic.


This Is Not a Drill

Before going any further, let me throw in one disclaimer to the story. I am not expecting that a couple of dates and a few weeks into the process have established that my godly future husband has suddenly appeared. “John” is a Christian, very intriguing, intimidatingly intelligent and gifted, and a gentleman. If this new friendship were one day to develop into a marriage that God put together, that would be wonderful. But regardless of what happens with this specific situation, the first thing it did was shine a prison-break spotlight onto some areas of my life that I thought were healed.

1. The aforementioned panic alarm: I haven't heard such wailing and carrying on since I was in the throws of my divorce.
2. Vain imaginations: “John” called one evening to describe the beautiful sunset he was seeing on the way home. He then went on to talk about talented musician friends of his with whom he'd spent the day. As he was saying this, the alarm siren changed to: "He's been off smoking pot and having sex with wild women all day?" “John” was describing the lake, swans, sunset, and all of the beauty around him, and I'm buying a bottle of wine to deal with the fears about what he's really been up to that day. Irrational. The only saving grace was that I knew such thoughts were ridiculous as they were careening around my head, but that didn't stop them.
3. Inability to sleep: If I get to sleep, I don't stay asleep. When I am asleep, I'm plagued with worrisome dreams.

Calling in Reinforcements

To my credit, it only took a few days of this before I decided enough was enough. I called my pastor and asked to meet that afternoon. He is well aware of the vast history of betrayal on every level of my marriage and the terror I lived with at the end and through my first two single years after divorce.

Gene listened quietly as I sobbed my way through a recitation of some of the worst of it before reiterating the non-dating agreement with the Lord. When I had finished, he smiled and kindly remarked: “When did you make a vow with the enemy that you were never going to let anyone get close to you ever again? That you would never let anyone in to hurt you again? Because you may have declared that as a temporary relief to your pain, but Satan took that as a contract. If you are going to move forward in a relationship, and I don't think that God has called you to a life of singleness, then you are going to have to be willing to renounce and repent of that vow.”

I was shocked at the truth of his remarks. I had made that vow. Every day for months on end as I went into survival mode in that marriage. Even more days as I transitioned through the divorce. There is was, and it was clear. That was exactly what I had done.


Should Be Simple Enough to Fix

Problem recognized. Solution identified. Implement solution. Live happily ever after.

That's not how it went. Problem recognized. Solution identified. Recoil from idea of even considering renouncing that vow. Beyond the emotional jolt, the physical reaction those words caused in me left me sitting there in silence for a moment. I finally responded, "I can't pray that right now. I'm too afraid of what that will mean. But I am willing to pray for the courage to renounce it."

So that's where we started. We prayed for the courage to renounce the vow.


Work in Progress

I share this with you to say that once you've been wounded in a divorce, it's not uncommon to want to protect yourself from such deep hurt ever again. Stop and consider your own situation: Have you made such a vow? Have you effectively walled yourself off from the blessing of any future mate God wants to bring into your life? Maybe, like me, even the thought of renouncing that vow is too difficult. But you can also pray for the courage to do so. God is willing to go with you one step at a time.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9 (NIV). Like Joshua, sometimes the scary places that we need God to walk with us in are actual physical locations, such as into a mission field. But many times, they are emotional places, old memories, current insecurities that are still rooted in the dark places that we may not even be aware of.
Trust God with those dark places. Let Him shine a light into that darkness and drive out any fear. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV).


Knowing Who to Trust

As for me, the alarm bells have been silenced for the most part. Every now and then, they start back up, but at a much quieter level. When they begin again, I go back to God with this prayer: “I don’t yet trust my ability to make a sound choice regarding a man. And I don’t yet know ‘John’ well enough to trust that he could be that choice. But I do trust you, Lord, and I choose to focus my mind on that trust."

No matter where you are in your own journey, as believers we all have this in common: We are all called to live by faith and not by sight and to depend on the Lord step by step. Let's keep stepping and watch and see where the Lord leads us. It's guaranteed to be somewhere great!

Life Blooms Again: An Object Lesson

Have you had some areas in your life that have just seemed dead lately? I don't mean dry or stale or even tired. Dead. As a doorknob. Maybe it's a dream that you now feel too old to fulfill. (Three words: Sarah and Abraham.) Perhaps it's a relationship that was once vibrant and has now disappeared or been corrupted or spoiled. (Prodigal son.) I don't know about you, but I've certainly experienced that lately. That's why I really appreciated one of God's most recent object lessons, and I thought it might give hope and encouragement to some of you, too.


From my journal, April 27, 2010

Thank you, Lord, for your continued presence in my life even when I am distant and dry and self-absorbed. Thank you that over the past couple of weeks, you've brought the hosta on my front porch back to life.
Lord, I have not missed your symbolism there. That plant was dead. There wasn't a speck of green on it, and the only reason it was still there was because I had not taken the time to dump out the dirt and start over. When it first started to grow again, I thought weeds had taken root in the pot. Within a matter of days the first two leaves sprouted, and now a couple of weeks later, the whole plant has grown back more lush and beautiful than ever. God, thank you for bringing life out of the dirt of our lives—my life. Thank you for constantly creating something out of nothing.

Help me to hear your voice clearly as I go about today. Lord, what would you have me to know today?

(Here's what I heard in my spirit...) I love you with an everlasting love. You are mine and I am yours forever, and nothing —and no one — can snatch you out of my hand. Just as I resurrected that plant, I am resurrecting the places in you that once seemed dead. See it. Know it. Accept it by faith. Your faith has not been in vain. Dance with me today in your spirit on our beach. Dance with me and let me hold you close in joy.


The Lesson

As I write these things, I recall a portion of scripture that God has pointed out to me on more than one occasion: "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land." (Song of Soloman 2:11–12)

Take heart, dear one. Your redeemer lives. The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He is the resurrection and the life. If there's something in your life that needs fresh life breathed into it, take it to him. He is the one that can make those dry bones live. Out of the dust He created us. Out of the tomb, He called Lazarus back to life...four days dead and stinking. Whatever that dead place is, take it to Him and ask Him to resurrect it, new and better than it was before. Let Him heal it. He loves you, and He came that you might have life and have it to the full! Let Him bring spring where there was once only winter.

Experimental Victory

Seems I’ve been too busy to blog lately, and I’ve missed it. After a friend called me on it Thursday night, I decided I had to make the time to write an update. After all, it’s not every day that we get to celebrate big victories. And this has been huge.

For those of you who’ve been following along, in late January, I felt the Lord challenging me to a 90-day basic training program. As a brief recap, it involved practicing purposeful thanksgiving, starting each day in God’s word, taking on some kind of organizational project, and getting in a little movement (exercise) each day. The goal was not to be perfect or to accomplish a certain amount (or devote a specified quantity of time) each day; the goal was to be consistent and persistent. As it says in Proverbs, “Committed and persistent work pays off."

What seemed at first to be nearly impossible (i.e., fit additional to-dos into a schedule already bursting at the seams), actually made daily life so much more manageable. At the end of the 90 days (on April 18), I looked back and marveled at all that had been accomplished!

Take, for example, the organizational projects in my house. I got more done in those 90 days than I had in all of 2009. Why? Because I tackled projects little bits at a time, and all those little bits added up into big successes.

The Bible speaks to this notion too. When the Israelites were so anxious to see the Temple rebuilt, the angel of the Lord spoke to Zechariah about having patience in the process. As he said, “The people should not think that small beginnings are unimportant. They will be happy when they see Zerubbabel with tools, building the Temple” (Zechariah 4:10, NCV).

The best thing to come out of this experiment for me was the realization that I didn’t need to have hours of extra available time on any given day in order to get things done.


So What Was Accomplished?

Lots. For one thing, I did more sit-ups, aerobics workouts, and walked more miles than I had in ages. I had a consistently better attitude and spent less time worrying and more time praising. And in terms of organization, over those 90 days, I managed to clean out and organize the garage, my office, my master bedroom closet and vanity, the entry way, the pantry, the fridge, and both medicine cabinets among other smaller projects! I also installed a light fixture that had been stored in my garage for the past year because I was waiting to hire a handy man to do it. Budgets are tight right now, and all of the success I was realizing on these other seemingly overwhelming tasks spurred me on to complete the installation myself.

This momentum has carried over since the end of the official 90 days. I’ve changed out the bathroom mirror, finished glazing over the paint in the kitchen, and have purchased the paint supplies for the bathroom remodel.


The Next 90

I don’t know what areas God’s going to have me tackle next. I do know this: “His yoke is easy, and his burden is light.” I’m looking forward to seeing what comes next.

So what areas in your life have you been avoiding? Which tasks or goals just seem overwhelming? I would encourage you to try this approach of taking small, consistent, persistent steps, and see where you get 90 days down the road. One more tip: Print out and keep a simple chart to track your progress each day. This added accountability step only adds a couple of minutes to the process but is a huge help to maintain that forward momentum.

Remember: You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! As a believer, the Spirit who raised Christ from the dead is at work in you. I bet there's not a project on your list that's tougher than that!

More Than Church

After a wonderful, refreshing women's retreat, I returned home to the chaos of parenting a tweener and some four-legged children. Let's just say the afterglow of the weekend has vanished—quickly! Too funny that the morning devotional that fell on today's date was about avoiding the dangerous pit of self-pity. How does God know that today—all day—was going to be a day of continually reminding myself of this admonition?

One of my friends and prayer partners called me around mid-day to ask whether I thought it was okay that she step away from the challenges on her home office computer and check out for the rest of the day. Yes, of course. Sometimes we need to do that. I then shared with her my own struggles along with a painful prayer request that was heavy on my heart.

Thank God that we can do that...that He invites us to cast our cares on him because he cares for us. For those of you who have been wounded by a church, and have since cut yourself off from anything to do with God (I've been there), know this: the God who loves you, the Jesus who died and rose again with the keys to death, hell, and the grave, invites you to come boldly before his throne of grace to make your requests known.

The poem that follows was contributed by someone who wanted to share her heart about being real with God. I hope it will encourage you to be daring and try this for yourself. He welcomes it!

"I Can Be Real" — Contributed by Kim McDougal

The shoes are off, lights are out and I'm all alone with you
You, who are the only real thing that never changes
And so when my soul aches and my eyes burn with fire
I know I can turn to you for solace.

The air around me is thin and chokes me about the neck
Still my comfort and peace lie deep within
And when no one has the right words to speak
I can be silent with my mouth and talk to you from my heart.

I can be real with you, let my hair down
Throw a fit, get angry and vow to never speak again.
I can tell only you my inner struggles
Express my hatred for pain and suffering.

I can cry my eyes out, cry in fact an ocean in my pillow.
I can scream to the top of my lungs all the way up the hilltops.
I can pray for hours to nothing but silence
And yet, deep down I know you alone hear me.

My words don't go unnoticed by you.
My tears don't make you ignore my pain.
My silence doesn't make you give up on me.
Thank you, Lord Jesus, that I can be real.

Progress Report: 90-Day Journey

Yesterday marked 16 days that have passed since I kicked off the 90-day basic training experiment. (To recap, I'm doing four things each day: 1. Purposeful thanksgiving. 2. Starting in Scripture. 3. An organization project. 4. Some type of exercise/movement.)

As I related to the church small group I meet with on Thursday nights, I've been thrilled with the results. So I'm sharing this update to help encourage any of you who've been thinking about the daily steps you'd like to take to help get you to where you want to be by the time the next New Year rolls around. Here's what I'm learning along the way.

1. Consistency is liberating.
I have to admit, when I first considered adding four steps to what I needed to accomplish each day, I thought "Great! Just what I need...another four things to cram into an already overcommitted day." But what I've discovered is that consistently implementing these steps has actually been very freeing.

For example, before starting this experiment, I'd look around the house and think, "I need to get my house organized," but I didn't know where to start, and I never had countless free hours to devote to the process. However, by taking on the goal of completing one organizational task a day, I've made huge progress. Some days, I spend five minutes on a project (such as sorting mail so that it doesn't stack up). Other days, I've had the time to do a much larger task like cleaning and organizing my bedroom closet. I don't worry about what I'm going to get done each day. I just take whatever time I have, and pick one thing I can finish during that time.

2. Checking off these four items each day is very personally satisfying.
Instead of going to bed each night fretting about what didn't get done that day, I feel deeply satisfied about the things that I did accomplish. Since I've taken the time to note them on my checklist, I can look at those items and know that I invested a little (or a lot) of time in the things that I wanted to accomplish that day. (In other words, the day wasn't just about what I finished for work or as a mother, but about making progress toward completing some things that are important to me personally.)

3. Success is cumulative.
The first day of this journey, I unpacked suitcases and got toys and laundry put away. Since then, I've cleaned off a corner of the kitchen bar that's been a catchall for miscellaneous junk for months (probably years) now, sorted and tossed expired medicines, and decluttered and organized my bedroom closet so it's a walk-in again, among other things. In nearly every room of my house, I can now tell a noticeable difference from the organization projects, and that feels awesome! I can't wait to see what all will be accomplished by the end of this 90 days!

As for exercise, I've done more crunches, strength-building exercises, yoga stretches, aerobic routines, and power walks then I had completed in the past three months combined. I can feel it in my energy level, my stress level, and how my clothes are fitting. What's not to love about that?

Step by Step
Looking back over these past couple of weeks, how like the Lord to suggest this 90-day training program of incremental steps—projects—to me. As it says in Psalm 37:23 (New Living Translation), "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."

While it's my nature to want to craft a 5-year plan that prepares for every contingency along the way and is too enormous to be manageable, it's God's way to direct me to follow his leading each day, each step along the way. And wouldn't you know, His way is getting results and bringing peace, rather than extra burden, along the way!

90 Days of Unusual Glory

As a follow-up to yesterday's post, here's the word that Bishop George Davis, Faith Christian Center, read on his January 17, 2010, broadcast about 90 days of unusual glory. (I wrote this word out while I watched, rewound, and rewatched the recording, so any errors in transcription are mine.)

“There is an unusual glory that is available for whosoever will believe. There’s an unusual glory that will manifest for those who put their full trust in me. There’s an unusual favor that will open doors for you that no man can shut. There’s an unusual mercy that will hold back the flood of judgment. There’s an unusual peace that will take you through circumstances you never thought you could face. There’s an unusual wisdom that will lead you into directions that will prosper you beyond your imagination, so extend your neck with expectation and extend your heart with obedience.

Dare to believe that what I have spoken and what I have declared will indeed come to pass. Dare to trust that the impossible dream has just become possible. Dare to believe that I am bringing the resources to bear to accomplish all that I have spoken for you to do, for the next 90 days will bring a season of good things happening for you that you would never have believed had I not told you in advance. But it will require you to sweep your house clean and choose that good part. It will require you to sit and wait quietly for me when you don’t know exactly what to do. It will require you to spend unusual time in my presence praying in the Holy Ghost to give me room to align the pieces and parts that will bring it all to pass.”

I don't know about you, but I'm grabbing hold of this word and believing God for great things in this 90 days. After all, Ephesians 3:20 tells us that God "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

Let's be bold on this one. Let's err on the side of faith and watch God show out!

Progress Not Perfection: A 90-Day Journey

Like many others, I've embraced 2010 with full vigor and delight to see 2009 left behind. Don't get me wrong: Throughout 2009, God blessed in many remarkable ways, and He was faithful as always. But that year was difficult, not just for me but for my closest friends and family. Good riddance, I say. Now to a better 2010.

One of the things I wrote on my Facebook page at the start of the year is "2010 will be different because I'm living differently today." And isn't that really the key? There's so much of the world that we can't change or control, but there's so much of our own lives that we can impact if we choose to. So I've been spending a lot of time thinking about—and putting into action—ways to make my 2010 different than 2009.

Be Kind to Yourself
While I was home with family over the New Year, one of the things my father said to me is that I need to be kinder to myself. In looking back over my journals from the past year, God had spoken those same words over me on several occasions. Hmm...interesting. I suspect that a lot of you reading this need to hear the same thing: Be kind to yourself this year.

So that's the other part of my approach to 2010: I'm being intentional about pursuing progress, not perfection.

Is a Fast in Order?
That said, all of these notions sound great, but where should I start? The first thing God led me to was a 21-day fast. There are all kinds of fasts that one can do—from food, to entertainment, to certain activities. I'm actually participating in this fast as part of a larger group. This time, God has called me to start with abstaining from meats, sweets, and any alcoholic beverages. He's also called me to refrain from watching any TV programming that contains violent content (which means I've had to give up my weekly dose of "The Mentalist" for the time being). So if God calls you to a fast, take some time to figure out what that means specifically for you.

One week into my fast, I can already tell you that I've felt a huge difference in my spiritual and emotional well-being. I'm actually excited to see how this will progress, since I do expect God to switch some things up on me over the 21 days.

Progress Not Perfection: A 90-Day Journey
But here's where it really gets exciting for me. I was watching a sermon that I recorded this past Sunday in which a word was shared about the "unusual glory" that God is pouring out over the next 90 days. (I'll share the content of that word in tomorrow's post.) At last, I felt like I knew the time frame for the first segment of this personal journey that I'm on in 2010. For the next 90 days, I'm going into basic training, so to speak. Again, the goal is progress, not perfection.

I'm sharing this in case anyone else out there wants to join me on your own personal journey. If so, it doesn't matter when your 90 days starts (or different time period if that's what God calls you to), it just matters that you begin.

Daily Goals for This 90 Days
Here are the things that I will do—with God's help—on a daily basis for the next 90 days.

(1) Practice purposeful thanksgiving. I'm doing this by doing 90 days of thanks as my status update on Facebook. You may choose to write your thanksgiving for the day down in a journal or on your own blog. Wherever you write it, the point is to pick something you are thankful for that day and write it down.

(2) Start the day in God's word. Whether I have 5 minutes or 30 minutes, I will spend those minutes in God's word before I allow in any other outside influences: TV, radio, phone, computer, etc. The point: I am intentionally choosing to focus on what God has to say before I listen to any other opinions that day.

(3) Choose one area of the house to organize each day. Some days when I have lots of time, I will take on the big projects, like the garage. Other days when I have 5 minutes, I will take on the stack of mail that piles up on the corner of the kitchen counter. When I've completed the task, I will take the time to feel satisfied by what I've accomplished. Keep this up for 90 days in a row, and those closets and drawers will get cleaned out a little bit at a time.

(4) Invest time each day in some type of exercise. I know, I know. Exercise is such an unhappy word for most of us. Let's call it movement instead. My goal is to spend 30 minutes a day on anything from stretching to walking to TaiBo. Again, if I have more time, I will go to the gym to do the weight circuit. If I only have 5 minutes, I will take that 5 minutes, and stretch or jog in place, etc. But I won't let the fact that I don't have an hour for the day hold me back from physical activity. Another idea is to break the 30 minutes into 5 or 10 minute increments for days that I know are going to be really busy.

Staying on Track
This list is simple, but if I do each of these items consistently over this 90-day journey, I know I will experience spiritual, mental, and physical benefits from them, not to mention significant stress relief.

To help myself stay on track, I've made a very simple chart for myself. I'm including a picture of it here as an example.


On the days I have more time, I may note the types of things I did in each category for that day. If I'm on the run, I'll just put a check in the box. Again, progress not perfection.

So we'll see how it goes. This I know: I want some things to be different in 2010, and that will only happen if I choose to live differently. At the same time, I'm going to be intentional about being kinder to myself and embracing progress rather than perfection.

If you decide to try this out for yourself, I'd love to here how it goes.

Blessings to you all in 2010!

Love Whispers

Years go by that seemed days.
Past days gone by that seemed years.
And on the earth spins as the universe keeps the beat
While we try our best to hang on—unchanging, unchallenged.
Too cautious to really live, too careless to care for our lives as we should.

Thank you, God, that in this deafening chaos
Your powerful whisper of love dwarfs all—
If we'll just listen for it—
The breath of life, the wind of eternity.