A couple of weeks ago, I came across one of the best opinion columns I’ve ever read about abuse. Perhaps it struck a chord with me because it was told from the perspective of a grown son who regrets pleading with his mother to take his abusive father back. It was real and honest and penned from the heart.
The column, “When a man hits a woman,” by Leonard Pitts, Jr., was written to Rihanna (the singer) following her much-publicized beating and apparent reconciliation with singer Chris Brown. I wanted to share this piece of it with anyone out there who is torn between loving someone and leaving them because they are abusive (whether that abuse is physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, or all of the above).
Pitts writes: “You can understand, perhaps, why many of us find it incomprehensible that you were reportedly spotted with him, apparently reconciled, just days later. Incomprehensible and yet, not surprising at all. On the contrary, it is the classic behavior of the battered woman. They tell themselves it was their fault. They tell themselves it was a one-time thing. They tell themselves he really is a good guy at heart. They tell themselves their love will change him.
They tell themselves lies, Ms. Fenty — lies, evasions and rationalizations. They tell themselves everything but the truth: that the man they love is damaged and dysfunctional. And that, absent some intense and committed therapy, he will do it again.
Repeating for emphasis: He will do it again. And again.”
I wish it weren’t true, but it is. When a relationship turns toxic it continues that way unless both parties get help. It becomes more toxic—not less—over time.
I’d like to add another dimension to this, because these are the things that had me stuck for so long. As a Christian woman, I felt responsible to stay and be a witness to him. I felt that I was wrong to leave, because if I truly forgave him, I would stay. I can remember repeated prayers for God to change him. To change me. To change the circumstances. To change anything that would allow us to stay together. I can remember as clear as a bell the Lord’s response in my spirit: “Get out of my way.”
Here’s the thing. I was the classic enabler. A doormat. I wanted God to deal with Rob, but then got in the way to mitigate anything that might get his attention.
Imagine my surprise when I came across these verses in Isaiah 51:22–23 (NIV).
“This is what your Sovereign LORD says, your God, who defends his people: ‘See, I have taken out of your hand the cup that made you stagger; from that cup, the goblet of my wrath, you will never drink again. I will put it into the hands of your tormentors, who said to you, “Fall prostrate that we may walk over you.” And you made your back like the ground, like a street to be walked over.’” (emphasis mine).
The reality was that while it wasn’t right that Rob was treating me that way, I was the one who was allowing him to walk over me. Was the Lord criticizing me for this? Did he say, “You made your bed, now lie in it”? No, that’s never been his way. God is about forgiveness, grace, love, redemption, and restoration.
Here’s how Isaiah continues in the very next passage. Here’s what the Lord’s remedy was to my failed effort to live happily as a doormat:
“Awake, awake, O Zion, clothe yourself with strength. Put on your garments of splendor, O Jerusalem, the holy city. The uncircumcised and defiled will not enter you again. Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive Daughter of Zion. For this is what the LORD says: ‘You were sold for nothing, and without money you will be redeemed.’” (Isaiah 52:1–3, emphasis mine)
God redeems us. We don’t earn it. We can’t buy it. We just accept his redemption.
Yes we are to forgive, but forgiveness does not mean that we continue to lie down and take whatever meanness someone wants to dish out. We are the Lord’s. We have been bought with a price. He loves us with an everlasting love. It was for freedom that Christ set us free.
Go back and read that passage from Isaiah 52, and insert your name into every place that is in red. None of us has to continue to live as a doormat, and especially not in the name of Christ.
We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, even finding the courage to leave when all other options have been exhausted.
Here’s how Pitts finished the letter to Rihanna: “I understand if you love him. But it's OK to love yourself some, too.”
No matter what anyone else says or thinks about your decision not to stay in an abusive situation, God promises that nothing can separate you from his love (Romans 8:38–39). Awake! Clothe yourself in strength. Free yourself from the chains on your neck. God has redeemed you!
Should you like to read the Pitt’s article in its entirety, here’s the link:
http://www.miamiherald.com/living/columnists/leonard-pitts/story/943498.html
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Contradictions
If I had one word to describe this time in my life it would be contradiction. Contradiction of hopes. Contradiction of desires. Contradiction of beliefs. Contradiction of dreams. Contradiction of time spent. Contradiction.
And frankly, that sense of contradiction is making me feel like a big phony… a big “ought to.” But the problem is that even the “ought to” is undefined. I desire to be the woman God wants me to be. But I desire to have things my way in my timing. I believe that God has my best in mind. But what if that best still isn’t that great?
As for dreams, I can’t rest at night for all of the dreams that God is pouring through me. And yet, in the daytime, my “dreams” for my own life have disappeared. Essentially, I’ve stopped dreaming. I don’t imagine my life with a husband and father to my son, because frankly, to do so seems pointless. I can’t imagine it, and anything I could imagine would probably be a lie. And honestly, it’s pretty difficult not to have dreams. Not to have desires. I guess that’s another contradiction. I do have those things, but I’ve stopped acknowledging them. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. But how do I live without deferring hope? This is definitely not the life I had envisioned for myself or for my son.
Contradiction of time spent. I feel like I have too much time and not enough time all at the same time. So what do I do with all of this? Where do I go with all of this contradiction? I give it again to the Lord, and I wait. I wait and I hope. The Lord says he knows the desires of my heart. He says that those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. He says that if I seek first the kingdom of God, all these things will be added unto me. Thank goodness that he knows what those are, because I sure don’t. All I can do is have faith that God will work all of this together for good. That he will restore what the canker-worm has stolen. That my job is to wait on the Lord. To be strong and to take heart and wait on the Lord. That I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
I’m sorry to even admit this, Lord, but I sure hope so. Which immediately brings me back to the reality that my life is paradise compared to the life experience of 98% of the world’s population. So Lord, forgive me for doubting and growing impatient. Help me to be strong. Renew my strength.
Come to think of it, Jesus is the ultimate contradiction. The spotless lamb and the Lion of the tribe of Judah. The beginning and the end. The servant and the king. Sacrificed for the sin of the world and glorified and seated at the right hand of the Father. Come to think of it, maybe this world of contradiction is right where I need to be. Bold but humble. Weak in myself but strong in the Lord.
“But if I go to the east, he (God) is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” (Job 23:8–10, NIV, emphasis mine)
And frankly, that sense of contradiction is making me feel like a big phony… a big “ought to.” But the problem is that even the “ought to” is undefined. I desire to be the woman God wants me to be. But I desire to have things my way in my timing. I believe that God has my best in mind. But what if that best still isn’t that great?
As for dreams, I can’t rest at night for all of the dreams that God is pouring through me. And yet, in the daytime, my “dreams” for my own life have disappeared. Essentially, I’ve stopped dreaming. I don’t imagine my life with a husband and father to my son, because frankly, to do so seems pointless. I can’t imagine it, and anything I could imagine would probably be a lie. And honestly, it’s pretty difficult not to have dreams. Not to have desires. I guess that’s another contradiction. I do have those things, but I’ve stopped acknowledging them. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. But how do I live without deferring hope? This is definitely not the life I had envisioned for myself or for my son.
Contradiction of time spent. I feel like I have too much time and not enough time all at the same time. So what do I do with all of this? Where do I go with all of this contradiction? I give it again to the Lord, and I wait. I wait and I hope. The Lord says he knows the desires of my heart. He says that those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. He says that if I seek first the kingdom of God, all these things will be added unto me. Thank goodness that he knows what those are, because I sure don’t. All I can do is have faith that God will work all of this together for good. That he will restore what the canker-worm has stolen. That my job is to wait on the Lord. To be strong and to take heart and wait on the Lord. That I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
I’m sorry to even admit this, Lord, but I sure hope so. Which immediately brings me back to the reality that my life is paradise compared to the life experience of 98% of the world’s population. So Lord, forgive me for doubting and growing impatient. Help me to be strong. Renew my strength.
Come to think of it, Jesus is the ultimate contradiction. The spotless lamb and the Lion of the tribe of Judah. The beginning and the end. The servant and the king. Sacrificed for the sin of the world and glorified and seated at the right hand of the Father. Come to think of it, maybe this world of contradiction is right where I need to be. Bold but humble. Weak in myself but strong in the Lord.
“But if I go to the east, he (God) is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” (Job 23:8–10, NIV, emphasis mine)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Who Loves You, Baby?
That’s what my Aunt Linda always says when she talks to my son or me. The appropriate response is, “You do! And who loves you, baby?”
No matter what kind of day you’re having, who can resist smiling at a question like that, or more importantly, feeling as Aunt Linda says, “10 feet tall and bullet-proof.”
Is it just me, or does anyone else out there ever feel alone? Abandoned? Overwhelmed? Let me just be real and say that sometimes I do. Maybe that’s why God spends so much of our quiet time together telling me he loves me.
I was saying to my friend Anne the other day, “How different would our lives be if we ever really grasped the extent to which God loves us individually and personally. The knowledge may be more than our mortal minds could contain!”
A few weeks ago, the Lord woke me up early in the morning to spend some time together. He often does this—I suppose so that he can have my undivided attention before I get caught up in the day’s overloaded schedule. I was tired, and not really in the mood to get up that early, but I muttered and complained my way over to the sofa in my home office where I turned on the reading lamp and tried to hold my eyes open.
I noticed as I read back through my journals with him from the past year, over and over again, I had written, “Lord, what would you have me know today?” And time and again, he had said, “I love you with an everlasting love. You are mine, and I am yours.”
“I am yours…” How precious is that: that I would not only belong to him but he to me.
Reading back through the journal, I found one morning when I changed up the question a bit. I had been preparing for a summer mission trip to Russia and was feeling particularly inadequate for the task. Coming to the end of meditating on Psalm 121 (“The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and evermore.”) I asked Him, “Lord, am I yours?”
He said the most beautiful thing: “You are mine, and I am yours forever. There is no greater love story than this. There is no fiercer battle cry. I am yours, and you are mine forever. I will not fail you. Only I am the perfect lover—one who loves unselfishly. Revel in my love. I know you are distracted. It’s okay. I don’t judge you for that. But give those cares to me. You’re carrying burdens you don’t need to carry. Let me take them for you, and you keep walking. Keep moving forward, but rest in me.”
How extravagant a love is that? How noble and pure. And yet, with all of that, how often do I get caught up in the little daily things that mean nothing and forget the depth of the One who first loved me?
Reading those words again that morning left me feeling grateful, 10 feet tall, and bulletproof. I hope it also encourages anyone who might read this.
Consider this: When we are true believers—when we are his—he knows everything about us—our strengths, weaknesses, sins, strong points, destinies, and distractions, and he still loves us—EXTRAVAGANTLY and without limit. Unlike human love, his love is not dependent on our performance or perfection, or anything we could do.
His Word continually reaffirms his love for us: He IS love. He is light and in him is no darkness. His light drives out darkness, and if he is for us, who can be against us? Nothing can separate us from the love of God. We are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ. He has engraved us in the palms of his hands and nothing can tear us from him, because he holds us fast. When we are weak, he is strong. He who began a good work in us is able to finish it and faithful to bring it to completion.
When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, take a moment to adjust your focus. Picture yourself taking those things that concern you and handing them over to Jesus one by one. (He actually tells us to do this: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” [1 Peter 5:7, NIV])
There’s no limit to the amount he will carry for you. As you do this, pray that he will show you anything else that is weighing you down, and release that to him as well.
Once you’ve given it all to him, ask him to show you how much he loves you. Ask him to give you a focus on him and the things of eternal significance, and then trust him with the things you’ve released to him.
One last thing: This isn’t a one-time-does-it kind of process. Repeat it as often as you find your focus shifted back to the problem rather than the Solution—Christ.
“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.” (Isaiah 26:3–4, NIV)
Who loves you, baby? God does, that’s who.
No matter what kind of day you’re having, who can resist smiling at a question like that, or more importantly, feeling as Aunt Linda says, “10 feet tall and bullet-proof.”
Is it just me, or does anyone else out there ever feel alone? Abandoned? Overwhelmed? Let me just be real and say that sometimes I do. Maybe that’s why God spends so much of our quiet time together telling me he loves me.
I was saying to my friend Anne the other day, “How different would our lives be if we ever really grasped the extent to which God loves us individually and personally. The knowledge may be more than our mortal minds could contain!”
A few weeks ago, the Lord woke me up early in the morning to spend some time together. He often does this—I suppose so that he can have my undivided attention before I get caught up in the day’s overloaded schedule. I was tired, and not really in the mood to get up that early, but I muttered and complained my way over to the sofa in my home office where I turned on the reading lamp and tried to hold my eyes open.
I noticed as I read back through my journals with him from the past year, over and over again, I had written, “Lord, what would you have me know today?” And time and again, he had said, “I love you with an everlasting love. You are mine, and I am yours.”
“I am yours…” How precious is that: that I would not only belong to him but he to me.
Reading back through the journal, I found one morning when I changed up the question a bit. I had been preparing for a summer mission trip to Russia and was feeling particularly inadequate for the task. Coming to the end of meditating on Psalm 121 (“The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and evermore.”) I asked Him, “Lord, am I yours?”
He said the most beautiful thing: “You are mine, and I am yours forever. There is no greater love story than this. There is no fiercer battle cry. I am yours, and you are mine forever. I will not fail you. Only I am the perfect lover—one who loves unselfishly. Revel in my love. I know you are distracted. It’s okay. I don’t judge you for that. But give those cares to me. You’re carrying burdens you don’t need to carry. Let me take them for you, and you keep walking. Keep moving forward, but rest in me.”
How extravagant a love is that? How noble and pure. And yet, with all of that, how often do I get caught up in the little daily things that mean nothing and forget the depth of the One who first loved me?
Reading those words again that morning left me feeling grateful, 10 feet tall, and bulletproof. I hope it also encourages anyone who might read this.
Consider this: When we are true believers—when we are his—he knows everything about us—our strengths, weaknesses, sins, strong points, destinies, and distractions, and he still loves us—EXTRAVAGANTLY and without limit. Unlike human love, his love is not dependent on our performance or perfection, or anything we could do.
His Word continually reaffirms his love for us: He IS love. He is light and in him is no darkness. His light drives out darkness, and if he is for us, who can be against us? Nothing can separate us from the love of God. We are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ. He has engraved us in the palms of his hands and nothing can tear us from him, because he holds us fast. When we are weak, he is strong. He who began a good work in us is able to finish it and faithful to bring it to completion.
When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, take a moment to adjust your focus. Picture yourself taking those things that concern you and handing them over to Jesus one by one. (He actually tells us to do this: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” [1 Peter 5:7, NIV])
There’s no limit to the amount he will carry for you. As you do this, pray that he will show you anything else that is weighing you down, and release that to him as well.
Once you’ve given it all to him, ask him to show you how much he loves you. Ask him to give you a focus on him and the things of eternal significance, and then trust him with the things you’ve released to him.
One last thing: This isn’t a one-time-does-it kind of process. Repeat it as often as you find your focus shifted back to the problem rather than the Solution—Christ.
“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.” (Isaiah 26:3–4, NIV)
Who loves you, baby? God does, that’s who.
Friday, March 6, 2009
God Is a Verb
When you’re in the midst of or still healing from a traumatic event (like divorce), you need some things — someone— you can count on. You need to know that in a world that has gone crazy, there is One who is never out of control, never nuts, never confused. You need to know that God is there, not just for the world, but for you! You need to know that he’s continually working on your behalf, and he never changes.
“Every generous act and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights; with Him there is no variation or shadow cast by turning.” (James 1:17, Holman Christian Standard Bible, emphasis mine)
I don’t know how many of you have read The Shack by William Young, but it is a spectacular book for anyone who has ever experienced tragedy and wondered where God was in the midst of it. This is a novel (not a theological study) that paints a beautiful portrait of the ways that God—father, son, and Holy Spirit—is “particularly fond” of each of us as individuals. The Shack is an inspiring parable about God’s grace and mercy and his promise never to abandon us, even when we might feel completely alone.
Last fall, I plowed through the book in about three days because I just had to know what happened. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to reread it at a more leisurely pace so that I could really enjoy all of the nuances of the story.
As I was reading night before last, I came across a chapter that starts with the quote “God is a Verb.” In this chapter, the Holy Spirit explains to Mack (the main character whose daughter tragically disappeared three years earlier) that while religion is about rules and laws and institutions, God is about relationship. God is a verb. As the two talk, the Holy Spirit explains to Mack:
“I am a verb. I am that I am. I will be who I will be. I am a verb! I am alive, dynamic, ever active, and moving. I am a being verb…And as my very essence is a verb,” [the Holy Spirit] continued, “I am more attuned to verbs than nouns. Verbs such as confessing, repenting, living, loving, responding, growing, reaping, changing, sowing, running, dancing, singing, and on and on. Humans on the other hand, have a knack for taking a verb that is alive and full of grace and turning it into a dead noun or principle that reeks of rules: something growing and alive that dies. Nouns exist because there is a created universe and physical reality, but if the universe is only a mass of nouns, it is dead. Unless ‘I am,’ there are no verbs, and verbs are what makes the universe alive.” (p. 204, The Shack, William P. Young, ©2007, emphasis mine)
I know that seems a little out there, but isn’t it intriguing too? God is limitless—in power, love, knowledge, presence—he is limitless. He is all that we need in every situation.
Think about Moses. Here’s a quick summary of his life before leading the Israelites out of Egypt and slavery. He was born to a Jewish mom but raised by the Pharaoh’s daughter, only to lose his royal standing after flipping out and killing an Egyptian who was beating a Jewish man. Fleeing for his life, Moses ended up working as a shepherd in Midian…until the day he came across the burning bush from which the God started speaking to him. (Try explaining that one to the family!)
It turns out that God had a special assignment planned for Moses that was going to require God’s power but Moses’ willingness to act as a spokesperson. The job: Go to the Pharaoh and tell him to let God’s people go.
Did I mention Moses had a speech impediment (see Ex. 4:10)? He was a killer on the run now working as a shepherd. Don’t you love how God doesn’t let the way we label people—especially ourselves—keep him from accomplishing great things through us? Anyway, this is where we pick up the text:
“But Moses asked God, ‘Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and that I should bring the Israelites out of Egypt?’
He answered, ‘I will certainly be with you, and this will be the sign to you that I have sent you: when you bring the people out of Egypt, you will all worship God at this mountain.’
Then Moses asked God, ‘If I go to the Israelites and say to them: The God of your fathers has sent me to you, and they ask me, “What is His name?” what should I tell them?’
God replied to Moses, ‘I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: I AM has sent me to you.’ God also said to Moses, ‘Say this to the Israelites: Yahweh, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you. This is My name forever; this is how I am to be remembered in every generation.’” (Exodus 3:11–15, Holman Christian Standard Bible, emphasis mine)
God’s very identity is action. It’s a verb. What action do you need God to take in your life? Do you need him to save, heal, restore, protect, provide, inspire, empower, inform, guide, give, or deliver? No matter what it is that you need from God today, pray and ask him for it. More than anything, he wants a real, day-in-day-out, down in the messy details of life relationship with you. He wanted this so much that he acted on it.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 (New International Version, emphasis mine)
He’s not waiting for you to be perfect. He is just waiting for you to ask. God is love. And he is a Verb.
“Every generous act and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights; with Him there is no variation or shadow cast by turning.” (James 1:17, Holman Christian Standard Bible, emphasis mine)
I don’t know how many of you have read The Shack by William Young, but it is a spectacular book for anyone who has ever experienced tragedy and wondered where God was in the midst of it. This is a novel (not a theological study) that paints a beautiful portrait of the ways that God—father, son, and Holy Spirit—is “particularly fond” of each of us as individuals. The Shack is an inspiring parable about God’s grace and mercy and his promise never to abandon us, even when we might feel completely alone.
Last fall, I plowed through the book in about three days because I just had to know what happened. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to reread it at a more leisurely pace so that I could really enjoy all of the nuances of the story.
As I was reading night before last, I came across a chapter that starts with the quote “God is a Verb.” In this chapter, the Holy Spirit explains to Mack (the main character whose daughter tragically disappeared three years earlier) that while religion is about rules and laws and institutions, God is about relationship. God is a verb. As the two talk, the Holy Spirit explains to Mack:
“I am a verb. I am that I am. I will be who I will be. I am a verb! I am alive, dynamic, ever active, and moving. I am a being verb…And as my very essence is a verb,” [the Holy Spirit] continued, “I am more attuned to verbs than nouns. Verbs such as confessing, repenting, living, loving, responding, growing, reaping, changing, sowing, running, dancing, singing, and on and on. Humans on the other hand, have a knack for taking a verb that is alive and full of grace and turning it into a dead noun or principle that reeks of rules: something growing and alive that dies. Nouns exist because there is a created universe and physical reality, but if the universe is only a mass of nouns, it is dead. Unless ‘I am,’ there are no verbs, and verbs are what makes the universe alive.” (p. 204, The Shack, William P. Young, ©2007, emphasis mine)
I know that seems a little out there, but isn’t it intriguing too? God is limitless—in power, love, knowledge, presence—he is limitless. He is all that we need in every situation.
Think about Moses. Here’s a quick summary of his life before leading the Israelites out of Egypt and slavery. He was born to a Jewish mom but raised by the Pharaoh’s daughter, only to lose his royal standing after flipping out and killing an Egyptian who was beating a Jewish man. Fleeing for his life, Moses ended up working as a shepherd in Midian…until the day he came across the burning bush from which the God started speaking to him. (Try explaining that one to the family!)
It turns out that God had a special assignment planned for Moses that was going to require God’s power but Moses’ willingness to act as a spokesperson. The job: Go to the Pharaoh and tell him to let God’s people go.
Did I mention Moses had a speech impediment (see Ex. 4:10)? He was a killer on the run now working as a shepherd. Don’t you love how God doesn’t let the way we label people—especially ourselves—keep him from accomplishing great things through us? Anyway, this is where we pick up the text:
“But Moses asked God, ‘Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and that I should bring the Israelites out of Egypt?’
He answered, ‘I will certainly be with you, and this will be the sign to you that I have sent you: when you bring the people out of Egypt, you will all worship God at this mountain.’
Then Moses asked God, ‘If I go to the Israelites and say to them: The God of your fathers has sent me to you, and they ask me, “What is His name?” what should I tell them?’
God replied to Moses, ‘I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: I AM has sent me to you.’ God also said to Moses, ‘Say this to the Israelites: Yahweh, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you. This is My name forever; this is how I am to be remembered in every generation.’” (Exodus 3:11–15, Holman Christian Standard Bible, emphasis mine)
God’s very identity is action. It’s a verb. What action do you need God to take in your life? Do you need him to save, heal, restore, protect, provide, inspire, empower, inform, guide, give, or deliver? No matter what it is that you need from God today, pray and ask him for it. More than anything, he wants a real, day-in-day-out, down in the messy details of life relationship with you. He wanted this so much that he acted on it.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 (New International Version, emphasis mine)
He’s not waiting for you to be perfect. He is just waiting for you to ask. God is love. And he is a Verb.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Seriously...
That's the word that keeps repeating in my mind today: Seriously... I think I'm still in shock, but in a good way this time. This is not what I intended to write about today, but I just can't shake it, so maybe it's exactly what I should write about!
Here's the thing that has me so amazed: My ex-husband has actually apologized to me twice in the last 24 hours. To truly understand what this means—and so you will know that I'm not being the least bit sarcastic about my amazement and joy—you need to know a little bit of history.
I spent the last year-and-a-half of my marriage and the first year-and-a-half after our divorce terrified of Rob (my ex). I fully expected that he would kill me or himself or both of us, so much so that when I left our family home, I moved into a gated community and got a monitored alarm system.
When I first asked for a separation, Rob was furious. He blamed all of the following for our marital problems: me, most of my friends, Dr. Phil, my mom, our marriage counselor, the church, and the list goes on. He and his behavior, however, were nowhere on the list. There was always an excuse, and he alternated between feeling sorry for himself—and trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him—and striking out at me to try to terrify me into complying.
Some of this was my fault. I had spent most of the 12 years we were married going along with whatever he wanted. (I'm not talking about Christian submission here; I'm talking about letting him get away with all sorts of bad behavior.) When I finally decided I would no longer put up with it, I think he was in shock.
During marriage counseling (after he'd left the process and I continued going on my own), the counselor explained that we were in a cycle of violence. She showed me that the next step in the cycle was either jail for him or the hospital or death for one of us. It got my attention.
During those sessions, she taught me two important coping skills.
1. If he started to rage about something, no matter what he said, I was only to say "Okay." For example, "You should have gone to the store like I told you to." "OK." "You're such a lazy bitxx." "OK."
Now I know what a lot of you are thinking: Are you nuts? I wouldn't let someone speak to me that way. But here's what I learned. It only took about two "okays" before the conversation was over. Since I wasn't arguing with him about it, there was nowhere else for the conversation to go.
2. If we were on the phone and he started to rage, I could hang up. Now all of you good, southern ladies out there (and probably the midwesterners too) actually cringe at the idea of hanging up on anyone. I couldn't stand the thought, so Isa (the counselor) cut me some slack. She said, "Tell him, 'This conversation is not productive so I am hanging up now.' and then hang up." While that was still really uncomfortable, I put it into practice.
I think you can imagine how this went the first several times I tried it. Rob would keep calling me back until I answered the phone again, and the cycle would repeat for about three hangups. Over the years, this has gradually diminished to the point where he now only calls back once, and even then those bad calls have become few and far between.
Fast forward six years to yesterday morning. I was at work when Rob called me on the cell phone. I immediately recognized the tone in his voice. Sure enough, before long, he was raging. Forgetting the "OK" advice, I tried to have a conversation with him about the (non)issue. After about three rounds, I said, "This conversation is not productive, so I'm hanging up." And I did. No call back. Nearly two hours passed before he finally called again. Recognizing the number and expecting more of the same, I didn't answer.
Now imagine my amazement when I listened to the voice mail, and the first thing he said was, "Kim, I just wanted to call and apologize for the way I acted earlier today. I never should have called you like that." I almost dropped the phone. "I guess it just hit a nerve...and I realize I still have some issues to deal with there." (Issues? He's never thought he had issues much less any that needed to be dealt with!) "Anyway, I wish that I had gotten to talk to you in person about this, and I hope that you will accept my apology." I've saved the message. Seriously. I've even listened to it again.
On the way home from work today he called me, and again he said, "And I am sorry about that call yesterday." For the record, both days, I accepted the apology (the first day to his voice mail, and today as we talked).
Now, here's the important part. This is why I'm sharing all of this on this blog. Don't give up. It took six years and daily (sometimes hourly prayer) to get to this place. We've come from me being terrified of him to him actually taking responsibility for acting poorly and then apologizing.
If you have found yourself in a similar situation, be safe. You do not have to stay there. It doesn't matter what your parents think. Your friends. The pastor or your church. No one should stay in an environment where they do not feel safe. Ever.
Be safe. But don't give up praying for the Lord's intervention. Keep praying that the Lord will heal the relationship—not restore the marriage (unless that's what you want)—but heal the relationship so that you can both move forward and live in peace and forgiveness.
I am so thankful that the Lord has brought us to this place. There is no other explanation. This was a man who confidently declared six years ago that he would not go to anger management classes, and therefore, he did not have an anger problem. Keep praying. Keep forgiving.
Move on with your life. Be safe. But forgive. For your sake and for your kids.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12–14 (NIV, emphasis mine)
Here's the thing that has me so amazed: My ex-husband has actually apologized to me twice in the last 24 hours. To truly understand what this means—and so you will know that I'm not being the least bit sarcastic about my amazement and joy—you need to know a little bit of history.
I spent the last year-and-a-half of my marriage and the first year-and-a-half after our divorce terrified of Rob (my ex). I fully expected that he would kill me or himself or both of us, so much so that when I left our family home, I moved into a gated community and got a monitored alarm system.
When I first asked for a separation, Rob was furious. He blamed all of the following for our marital problems: me, most of my friends, Dr. Phil, my mom, our marriage counselor, the church, and the list goes on. He and his behavior, however, were nowhere on the list. There was always an excuse, and he alternated between feeling sorry for himself—and trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him—and striking out at me to try to terrify me into complying.
Some of this was my fault. I had spent most of the 12 years we were married going along with whatever he wanted. (I'm not talking about Christian submission here; I'm talking about letting him get away with all sorts of bad behavior.) When I finally decided I would no longer put up with it, I think he was in shock.
During marriage counseling (after he'd left the process and I continued going on my own), the counselor explained that we were in a cycle of violence. She showed me that the next step in the cycle was either jail for him or the hospital or death for one of us. It got my attention.
During those sessions, she taught me two important coping skills.
1. If he started to rage about something, no matter what he said, I was only to say "Okay." For example, "You should have gone to the store like I told you to." "OK." "You're such a lazy bitxx." "OK."
Now I know what a lot of you are thinking: Are you nuts? I wouldn't let someone speak to me that way. But here's what I learned. It only took about two "okays" before the conversation was over. Since I wasn't arguing with him about it, there was nowhere else for the conversation to go.
2. If we were on the phone and he started to rage, I could hang up. Now all of you good, southern ladies out there (and probably the midwesterners too) actually cringe at the idea of hanging up on anyone. I couldn't stand the thought, so Isa (the counselor) cut me some slack. She said, "Tell him, 'This conversation is not productive so I am hanging up now.' and then hang up." While that was still really uncomfortable, I put it into practice.
I think you can imagine how this went the first several times I tried it. Rob would keep calling me back until I answered the phone again, and the cycle would repeat for about three hangups. Over the years, this has gradually diminished to the point where he now only calls back once, and even then those bad calls have become few and far between.
Fast forward six years to yesterday morning. I was at work when Rob called me on the cell phone. I immediately recognized the tone in his voice. Sure enough, before long, he was raging. Forgetting the "OK" advice, I tried to have a conversation with him about the (non)issue. After about three rounds, I said, "This conversation is not productive, so I'm hanging up." And I did. No call back. Nearly two hours passed before he finally called again. Recognizing the number and expecting more of the same, I didn't answer.
Now imagine my amazement when I listened to the voice mail, and the first thing he said was, "Kim, I just wanted to call and apologize for the way I acted earlier today. I never should have called you like that." I almost dropped the phone. "I guess it just hit a nerve...and I realize I still have some issues to deal with there." (Issues? He's never thought he had issues much less any that needed to be dealt with!) "Anyway, I wish that I had gotten to talk to you in person about this, and I hope that you will accept my apology." I've saved the message. Seriously. I've even listened to it again.
On the way home from work today he called me, and again he said, "And I am sorry about that call yesterday." For the record, both days, I accepted the apology (the first day to his voice mail, and today as we talked).
Now, here's the important part. This is why I'm sharing all of this on this blog. Don't give up. It took six years and daily (sometimes hourly prayer) to get to this place. We've come from me being terrified of him to him actually taking responsibility for acting poorly and then apologizing.
If you have found yourself in a similar situation, be safe. You do not have to stay there. It doesn't matter what your parents think. Your friends. The pastor or your church. No one should stay in an environment where they do not feel safe. Ever.
Be safe. But don't give up praying for the Lord's intervention. Keep praying that the Lord will heal the relationship—not restore the marriage (unless that's what you want)—but heal the relationship so that you can both move forward and live in peace and forgiveness.
I am so thankful that the Lord has brought us to this place. There is no other explanation. This was a man who confidently declared six years ago that he would not go to anger management classes, and therefore, he did not have an anger problem. Keep praying. Keep forgiving.
Move on with your life. Be safe. But forgive. For your sake and for your kids.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12–14 (NIV, emphasis mine)
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Inspiration for this blog: Part 2
The Heart Mender... I got this name from a vision the Lord gave me while on a 2008 summer mission trip to Russia. I was attending the Barnabas School to teach pastors and lay leaders from all over Russia about "Meditating on the Word and Hearing from the Lord." To say that I felt challenged was an understatement. This was the fifth year in a row that I had an opportunity to make the trip (the second year teaching at the Barnabas School), and this summer more than ever, I felt like I had absolutely nothing to offer.
Beginning in January 2008, I was hit with a bout of clinical depression that threatened to take me under. By the time I recognized it and sought help in March, I feared I was on the verge of suffering a nervous breakdown. It was not pretty. On the outside, I continued to function well at work, and other than the occasional meltdown over parenting power struggles, things continued to go fine at home. But inside, I was a disaster—a mass of gloom and despair.
How could this be happening? I was leading a ladies Bible study group and enjoyed it. I was active in church. I had a wonderful job, a great family, and lots of awesome girlfriends. I was filled with the Holy Spirit, spending time each day in prayer and study, and doing all the right "stuff." But I was overwhelmed with the demands of life—especially single motherhood—and felt that I had come to my breaking point.
I tell you this for two reasons:
(1) You can be doing all the "right" things and still get hit with a vicious spiritual and emotional attack. If you've been there, you know what I mean. If you're there right now, keep pushing through. Get the help you need, and surround yourself with encouragers. (We've all had friends and family like Job who choose the dark times to tell us we must be doing something wrong, or worse, advise us to "curse God and die" (not making that up...Job's wife actually said that to him during his crisis—Job 2:9).
(2) It was in the midst of this "black night" that I had to commit to whether I would make the trip to Russia. Everything in me screamed, "No. I can't do this." But when I prayed about it, God said to go. To be honest, I had a bit of an attitude about it. I kept praying, and he kept giving me the same answer. So I begrudgingly committed to go, and as I did, I told him that it was completely up to him to work everything out—including developing all of the materials that I would teach—because I had nothing to give.
Not surprisingly this is exactly when God can really work in us...when we get out of the way, throw up our hands, and say, "This one is on you, God! So if anything good is going to come of this, you'd better make it happen."
Every aspect of the trip that summer went smoothly. Although donations were down from sponsors that year, I received an unplanned bonus from work that covered the remainder of the cost. My parents asked to fly my son out to Louisiana for much of the time that I was away. (His care while I'm away has always been my greatest point of anxiety.) The timing with work projects came out perfectly. Even the materials for the class came together at a steady pace.
The time came to leave for the trip, and though all of the preparation had gone well, I was still fatigued—emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually—from the months of struggle. Again, I prayed, "I've got nothing to give, so you will have to do this."
Harvest Time
As usual when we commit our time, talents, or funds to do something to help someone else, we always end up getting back more than we invested. So it shouldn't have surprised me that this is exactly what happened for me on this trip. Each morning, the school day started with a devotion and worship service. Every evening ended with a worship and prayer service. One of those evenings, during the worship time, the Lord healed me of years of heartbreak I did not realize I was even still carrying around.
As the group sang, I was talking (praying) through anger issues with God—mostly anger toward myself for making a bad marriage choice and then for the divorce. I envisioned giving all of that anger to Jesus. (I often picture the two of us standing together on a beach, and that's where he was when I handed him this giant, sloppy, black ball of anger from inside of me.)
Next, I saw myself with a broken heart that I handed to him. Jesus took my broken heart, and I watched as he walked around a circle in which all of the boys and men who had ever hurt or disappointed me were standing. My ex-husband. Former loves. The man who molested me at a water park when I was ten years old and couldn't understand what I had done wrong.
As Jesus walked to each of these people, he took back from them a piece of my broken heart. Then, as I watched, he formed all of those broken pieces into one whole heart and placed it in himself. As he did, I was reminded of the Maya Angelou quote: “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.”
In that moment, I felt entirely safe and loved. Instantly, my broken heart was mended, not like some Frankensteinien patchwork, but new and whole and beautiful. It was safe and hidden in Christ.
“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” (Proverbs 29:25, NIV)
“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?...For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock." (Psalm 27: 1 & 5, NIV)
Has your heart been broken? Is it still? Maybe like me, you didn't even realize the source of the fear or sadness. Maybe the breaks happened so long ago that it seems they should no longer have any power over you. Or maybe they're so fresh, you're surprised you're not leaving a bloody trail behind you as you struggle throughout the day. Regardless of what stage you find yourself in, there is a Heart Mender waiting to heal those breaks and make your heart new.
The Heart Mender
Isaiah 61: 1 - 3 (NIV, emphasis mine) records this prophesy about the Heart Mender:
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."
Hundred of years later, Luke records the day that Jesus read this same passage from Isaiah:
"Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. He taught in their synagogues, and everyone praised him. He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: 'The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.' Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, 'Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.' " Luke 4:14 - 21 (NIV, emphasis mine)
Be encouraged: The bible tells us that the Lord is not a respecter of persons (Acts 10:34), which is just another way of saying, he loves all his children the same way and desires to bless and heal us all. Ask him today to heal your heart, bind up old wounds, comfort you, and swap your spirit of despair for a garment of praise. Allow him to take your heart and hide it in the only place it will stay safe—in him.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."(Spoken by Jesus, John 15:5, NIV, emphasis mine.)
I don't know about you, but I don't want to lose any more time to a fruitless life. I want every moment to count, and to accomplish that, all I have to do is remain in him. There is no better place for our hearts to be.
Beginning in January 2008, I was hit with a bout of clinical depression that threatened to take me under. By the time I recognized it and sought help in March, I feared I was on the verge of suffering a nervous breakdown. It was not pretty. On the outside, I continued to function well at work, and other than the occasional meltdown over parenting power struggles, things continued to go fine at home. But inside, I was a disaster—a mass of gloom and despair.
How could this be happening? I was leading a ladies Bible study group and enjoyed it. I was active in church. I had a wonderful job, a great family, and lots of awesome girlfriends. I was filled with the Holy Spirit, spending time each day in prayer and study, and doing all the right "stuff." But I was overwhelmed with the demands of life—especially single motherhood—and felt that I had come to my breaking point.
I tell you this for two reasons:
(1) You can be doing all the "right" things and still get hit with a vicious spiritual and emotional attack. If you've been there, you know what I mean. If you're there right now, keep pushing through. Get the help you need, and surround yourself with encouragers. (We've all had friends and family like Job who choose the dark times to tell us we must be doing something wrong, or worse, advise us to "curse God and die" (not making that up...Job's wife actually said that to him during his crisis—Job 2:9).
(2) It was in the midst of this "black night" that I had to commit to whether I would make the trip to Russia. Everything in me screamed, "No. I can't do this." But when I prayed about it, God said to go. To be honest, I had a bit of an attitude about it. I kept praying, and he kept giving me the same answer. So I begrudgingly committed to go, and as I did, I told him that it was completely up to him to work everything out—including developing all of the materials that I would teach—because I had nothing to give.
Not surprisingly this is exactly when God can really work in us...when we get out of the way, throw up our hands, and say, "This one is on you, God! So if anything good is going to come of this, you'd better make it happen."
Every aspect of the trip that summer went smoothly. Although donations were down from sponsors that year, I received an unplanned bonus from work that covered the remainder of the cost. My parents asked to fly my son out to Louisiana for much of the time that I was away. (His care while I'm away has always been my greatest point of anxiety.) The timing with work projects came out perfectly. Even the materials for the class came together at a steady pace.
The time came to leave for the trip, and though all of the preparation had gone well, I was still fatigued—emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually—from the months of struggle. Again, I prayed, "I've got nothing to give, so you will have to do this."
Harvest Time
As usual when we commit our time, talents, or funds to do something to help someone else, we always end up getting back more than we invested. So it shouldn't have surprised me that this is exactly what happened for me on this trip. Each morning, the school day started with a devotion and worship service. Every evening ended with a worship and prayer service. One of those evenings, during the worship time, the Lord healed me of years of heartbreak I did not realize I was even still carrying around.
As the group sang, I was talking (praying) through anger issues with God—mostly anger toward myself for making a bad marriage choice and then for the divorce. I envisioned giving all of that anger to Jesus. (I often picture the two of us standing together on a beach, and that's where he was when I handed him this giant, sloppy, black ball of anger from inside of me.)
Next, I saw myself with a broken heart that I handed to him. Jesus took my broken heart, and I watched as he walked around a circle in which all of the boys and men who had ever hurt or disappointed me were standing. My ex-husband. Former loves. The man who molested me at a water park when I was ten years old and couldn't understand what I had done wrong.
As Jesus walked to each of these people, he took back from them a piece of my broken heart. Then, as I watched, he formed all of those broken pieces into one whole heart and placed it in himself. As he did, I was reminded of the Maya Angelou quote: “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.”
In that moment, I felt entirely safe and loved. Instantly, my broken heart was mended, not like some Frankensteinien patchwork, but new and whole and beautiful. It was safe and hidden in Christ.
“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” (Proverbs 29:25, NIV)
“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?...For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock." (Psalm 27: 1 & 5, NIV)
Has your heart been broken? Is it still? Maybe like me, you didn't even realize the source of the fear or sadness. Maybe the breaks happened so long ago that it seems they should no longer have any power over you. Or maybe they're so fresh, you're surprised you're not leaving a bloody trail behind you as you struggle throughout the day. Regardless of what stage you find yourself in, there is a Heart Mender waiting to heal those breaks and make your heart new.
The Heart Mender
Isaiah 61: 1 - 3 (NIV, emphasis mine) records this prophesy about the Heart Mender:
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."
Hundred of years later, Luke records the day that Jesus read this same passage from Isaiah:
"Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. He taught in their synagogues, and everyone praised him. He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: 'The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.' Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, 'Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.' " Luke 4:14 - 21 (NIV, emphasis mine)
Be encouraged: The bible tells us that the Lord is not a respecter of persons (Acts 10:34), which is just another way of saying, he loves all his children the same way and desires to bless and heal us all. Ask him today to heal your heart, bind up old wounds, comfort you, and swap your spirit of despair for a garment of praise. Allow him to take your heart and hide it in the only place it will stay safe—in him.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."(Spoken by Jesus, John 15:5, NIV, emphasis mine.)
I don't know about you, but I don't want to lose any more time to a fruitless life. I want every moment to count, and to accomplish that, all I have to do is remain in him. There is no better place for our hearts to be.
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