You’re No One’s Doormat

A couple of weeks ago, I came across one of the best opinion columns I’ve ever read about abuse. Perhaps it struck a chord with me because it was told from the perspective of a grown son who regrets pleading with his mother to take his abusive father back. It was real and honest and penned from the heart.

The column, “When a man hits a woman,” by Leonard Pitts, Jr., was written to Rihanna (the singer) following her much-publicized beating and apparent reconciliation with singer Chris Brown. I wanted to share this piece of it with anyone out there who is torn between loving someone and leaving them because they are abusive (whether that abuse is physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, or all of the above).

Pitts writes: “You can understand, perhaps, why many of us find it incomprehensible that you were reportedly spotted with him, apparently reconciled, just days later. Incomprehensible and yet, not surprising at all. On the contrary, it is the classic behavior of the battered woman. They tell themselves it was their fault. They tell themselves it was a one-time thing. They tell themselves he really is a good guy at heart. They tell themselves their love will change him.

They tell themselves lies, Ms. Fenty — lies, evasions and rationalizations. They tell themselves everything but the truth: that the man they love is damaged and dysfunctional. And that, absent some intense and committed therapy, he will do it again.

Repeating for emphasis: He will do it again. And again.”

I wish it weren’t true, but it is. When a relationship turns toxic it continues that way unless both parties get help. It becomes more toxic—not less—over time.

I’d like to add another dimension to this, because these are the things that had me stuck for so long. As a Christian woman, I felt responsible to stay and be a witness to him. I felt that I was wrong to leave, because if I truly forgave him, I would stay. I can remember repeated prayers for God to change him. To change me. To change the circumstances. To change anything that would allow us to stay together. I can remember as clear as a bell the Lord’s response in my spirit: “Get out of my way.”

Here’s the thing. I was the classic enabler. A doormat. I wanted God to deal with Rob, but then got in the way to mitigate anything that might get his attention.

Imagine my surprise when I came across these verses in Isaiah 51:22–23 (NIV).

“This is what your Sovereign LORD says, your God, who defends his people: ‘See, I have taken out of your hand the cup that made you stagger; from that cup, the goblet of my wrath, you will never drink again. I will put it into the hands of your tormentors, who said to you, “Fall prostrate that we may walk over you.” And you made your back like the ground, like a street to be walked over.’” (emphasis mine).

The reality was that while it wasn’t right that Rob was treating me that way, I was the one who was allowing him to walk over me. Was the Lord criticizing me for this? Did he say, “You made your bed, now lie in it”? No, that’s never been his way. God is about forgiveness, grace, love, redemption, and restoration.

Here’s how Isaiah continues in the very next passage. Here’s what the Lord’s remedy was to my failed effort to live happily as a doormat:

“Awake, awake, O Zion, clothe yourself with strength. Put on your garments of splendor, O Jerusalem, the holy city. The uncircumcised and defiled will not enter you again. Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive Daughter of Zion. For this is what the LORD says: ‘You were sold for nothing, and without money you will be redeemed.’” (Isaiah 52:1–3, emphasis mine)

God redeems us. We don’t earn it. We can’t buy it. We just accept his redemption.
Yes we are to forgive, but forgiveness does not mean that we continue to lie down and take whatever meanness someone wants to dish out. We are the Lord’s. We have been bought with a price. He loves us with an everlasting love. It was for freedom that Christ set us free.

Go back and read that passage from Isaiah 52, and insert your name into every place that is in red. None of us has to continue to live as a doormat, and especially not in the name of Christ.

We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, even finding the courage to leave when all other options have been exhausted.

Here’s how Pitts finished the letter to Rihanna: “I understand if you love him. But it's OK to love yourself some, too.”

No matter what anyone else says or thinks about your decision not to stay in an abusive situation, God promises that nothing can separate you from his love (Romans 8:38–39). Awake! Clothe yourself in strength. Free yourself from the chains on your neck. God has redeemed you!

Should you like to read the Pitt’s article in its entirety, here’s the link:
http://www.miamiherald.com/living/columnists/leonard-pitts/story/943498.html