Seriously...

That's the word that keeps repeating in my mind today: Seriously... I think I'm still in shock, but in a good way this time. This is not what I intended to write about today, but I just can't shake it, so maybe it's exactly what I should write about!

Here's the thing that has me so amazed: My ex-husband has actually apologized to me twice in the last 24 hours. To truly understand what this means—and so you will know that I'm not being the least bit sarcastic about my amazement and joy—you need to know a little bit of history.

I spent the last year-and-a-half of my marriage and the first year-and-a-half after our divorce terrified of Rob (my ex). I fully expected that he would kill me or himself or both of us, so much so that when I left our family home, I moved into a gated community and got a monitored alarm system.

When I first asked for a separation, Rob was furious. He blamed all of the following for our marital problems: me, most of my friends, Dr. Phil, my mom, our marriage counselor, the church, and the list goes on. He and his behavior, however, were nowhere on the list. There was always an excuse, and he alternated between feeling sorry for himself—and trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him—and striking out at me to try to terrify me into complying.

Some of this was my fault. I had spent most of the 12 years we were married going along with whatever he wanted. (I'm not talking about Christian submission here; I'm talking about letting him get away with all sorts of bad behavior.) When I finally decided I would no longer put up with it, I think he was in shock.

During marriage counseling (after he'd left the process and I continued going on my own), the counselor explained that we were in a cycle of violence. She showed me that the next step in the cycle was either jail for him or the hospital or death for one of us. It got my attention.

During those sessions, she taught me two important coping skills.

1. If he started to rage about something, no matter what he said, I was only to say "Okay." For example, "You should have gone to the store like I told you to." "OK." "You're such a lazy bitxx." "OK."

Now I know what a lot of you are thinking: Are you nuts? I wouldn't let someone speak to me that way. But here's what I learned. It only took about two "okays" before the conversation was over. Since I wasn't arguing with him about it, there was nowhere else for the conversation to go.

2. If we were on the phone and he started to rage, I could hang up. Now all of you good, southern ladies out there (and probably the midwesterners too) actually cringe at the idea of hanging up on anyone. I couldn't stand the thought, so Isa (the counselor) cut me some slack. She said, "Tell him, 'This conversation is not productive so I am hanging up now.' and then hang up." While that was still really uncomfortable, I put it into practice.

I think you can imagine how this went the first several times I tried it. Rob would keep calling me back until I answered the phone again, and the cycle would repeat for about three hangups. Over the years, this has gradually diminished to the point where he now only calls back once, and even then those bad calls have become few and far between.

Fast forward six years to yesterday morning. I was at work when Rob called me on the cell phone. I immediately recognized the tone in his voice. Sure enough, before long, he was raging. Forgetting the "OK" advice, I tried to have a conversation with him about the (non)issue. After about three rounds, I said, "This conversation is not productive, so I'm hanging up." And I did. No call back. Nearly two hours passed before he finally called again. Recognizing the number and expecting more of the same, I didn't answer.

Now imagine my amazement when I listened to the voice mail, and the first thing he said was, "Kim, I just wanted to call and apologize for the way I acted earlier today. I never should have called you like that." I almost dropped the phone. "I guess it just hit a nerve...and I realize I still have some issues to deal with there." (Issues? He's never thought he had issues much less any that needed to be dealt with!) "Anyway, I wish that I had gotten to talk to you in person about this, and I hope that you will accept my apology." I've saved the message. Seriously. I've even listened to it again.

On the way home from work today he called me, and again he said, "And I am sorry about that call yesterday." For the record, both days, I accepted the apology (the first day to his voice mail, and today as we talked).

Now, here's the important part. This is why I'm sharing all of this on this blog. Don't give up. It took six years and daily (sometimes hourly prayer) to get to this place. We've come from me being terrified of him to him actually taking responsibility for acting poorly and then apologizing.

If you have found yourself in a similar situation, be safe. You do not have to stay there. It doesn't matter what your parents think. Your friends. The pastor or your church. No one should stay in an environment where they do not feel safe. Ever.

Be safe. But don't give up praying for the Lord's intervention. Keep praying that the Lord will heal the relationship—not restore the marriage (unless that's what you want)—but heal the relationship so that you can both move forward and live in peace and forgiveness.

I am so thankful that the Lord has brought us to this place. There is no other explanation. This was a man who confidently declared six years ago that he would not go to anger management classes, and therefore, he did not have an anger problem. Keep praying. Keep forgiving.

Move on with your life. Be safe. But forgive. For your sake and for your kids.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12–14 (NIV, emphasis mine)