Contradictions

If I had one word to describe this time in my life it would be contradiction. Contradiction of hopes. Contradiction of desires. Contradiction of beliefs. Contradiction of dreams. Contradiction of time spent. Contradiction.

And frankly, that sense of contradiction is making me feel like a big phony… a big “ought to.” But the problem is that even the “ought to” is undefined. I desire to be the woman God wants me to be. But I desire to have things my way in my timing. I believe that God has my best in mind. But what if that best still isn’t that great?

As for dreams, I can’t rest at night for all of the dreams that God is pouring through me. And yet, in the daytime, my “dreams” for my own life have disappeared. Essentially, I’ve stopped dreaming. I don’t imagine my life with a husband and father to my son, because frankly, to do so seems pointless. I can’t imagine it, and anything I could imagine would probably be a lie. And honestly, it’s pretty difficult not to have dreams. Not to have desires. I guess that’s another contradiction. I do have those things, but I’ve stopped acknowledging them. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. But how do I live without deferring hope? This is definitely not the life I had envisioned for myself or for my son.

Contradiction of time spent. I feel like I have too much time and not enough time all at the same time. So what do I do with all of this? Where do I go with all of this contradiction? I give it again to the Lord, and I wait. I wait and I hope. The Lord says he knows the desires of my heart. He says that those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. He says that if I seek first the kingdom of God, all these things will be added unto me. Thank goodness that he knows what those are, because I sure don’t. All I can do is have faith that God will work all of this together for good. That he will restore what the canker-worm has stolen. That my job is to wait on the Lord. To be strong and to take heart and wait on the Lord. That I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

I’m sorry to even admit this, Lord, but I sure hope so. Which immediately brings me back to the reality that my life is paradise compared to the life experience of 98% of the world’s population. So Lord, forgive me for doubting and growing impatient. Help me to be strong. Renew my strength.

Come to think of it, Jesus is the ultimate contradiction. The spotless lamb and the Lion of the tribe of Judah. The beginning and the end. The servant and the king. Sacrificed for the sin of the world and glorified and seated at the right hand of the Father. Come to think of it, maybe this world of contradiction is right where I need to be. Bold but humble. Weak in myself but strong in the Lord.

“But if I go to the east, he (God) is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” (Job 23:8–10, NIV, emphasis mine)