Object Lesson: Partly Cloudy, Fully Disappointed

I recently returned from a family vacation to the state of Washington. We started in Seattle, wound our way up through the Olympic Peninsula—Olympic National Park's mountain and Pacific vistas—across the Straight of Juan de Fuca to Victoria, Canada, before returning to Port Angeles, and then Seattle to see the extended family off.

My sister and I have quite a different approach to vacation. She has the daily itinerary planned, complete with confirmation numbers, a list of "must sees," and the like. Thank God for her. If it were up to me, we'd never see half the things she's researched and mapped out for the trip. That said, I don't feel I've officially had a vacation if it doesn't include at least one unplanned day that involves sleeping until I wake up without an alarm clock and seeing what kind of adventures are there to be discovered. So over time, I've learned to plan two days at the end of every family trip just to wing it without the rest of the group.

The Dream

This year's extra time was going to be spent at Mt. Rainier National Park. I was thrilled to discover just weeks before our trip that there was a room available at the National Park Inn inside the park itself, and I grabbed it. The inn's website features a YouTube video that shows the meadow across from the inn's expansive wooden porch, and just behind the meadow, Rainier's massive white peak glistening in the sunshine. I had no idea what we would do when we got there, but I was thrilled to have some time on the mountain again, and I pictured myself rocking on that porch with a cup of coffee as the sun rose over the peak.

The Promise

My first vacation to the Seattle area was in 2000, during which we made a day trip to Mt. Rainier. The skies were absolutely clear, a rarity for the park, and the sight of that majestic peak has stayed with me ever since. When Washington was chosen for this year's vacation spot, I knew Mt. Rainier would be on my agenda. As we flew into Seattle, we were again welcomed by a cloudless sky and the profile of the mountain towering behind the Seattle skyline. I was thrilled.

That evening, we traveled up the Space Needle—all 46 terrifying stories of it when you're afraid of heights—and were greeted by another spectacular vista with the mountain as backdrop.

As the week passed, the locals told us time and again what a rotten, cold, wetter-than-normal, spring it had been. The weather had cleared just in time for our arrival, and we enjoyed every minute of it. Time and again, I anticipated the time we would be spending within Mt. Rainier National Park. I just knew God had cleared the weather just for our trip.

So back to the end of the vacation... The extended family flew home, my son and I slept in, and now we had all day to make our way to the National Park Inn and explore this amazing mountain at our own pace.

From Bad to Worse

As we packed to leave the Seattle hotel, the day was a bit overcast, but it was forecasted to be only partly cloudy for the day. With the iPhone serving as GPS, Austin and I set out for Mt. Rainier with high hopes. The day became bluer and clearer as we moved into the early afternoon, but still no glimpse of the peak. Hmm—not what I expected but I was still not deterred.

We checked into the National Park Inn, headed out for our first nature trail, and then made our way up the mountain to the Paradise Visitor's Center, the highest paved point on the mountain. The hotel clerk told us that the high roads had just been cleared of snow within the past week, and that it might be tricky going, but we made it without incident. Snow still covered the mountain for most of the trip up, and several of the trails we'd planned to hike remained impassible due to the snow cover.

Along the way, we stopped frequently trying to catch a glimpse of the elusive peak, which had remained stubbornly hidden in the cloud cover. No luck. We could see some of the glaciers spreading down from Rainier's summit and the towering crests of the surrounding Cascades, but the peak remained hidden. This hide and seek game continued throughout the afternoon, and as the day progressed, the clouds descended further into the valleys.

Back at the National Park Inn, Austin and I enjoyed a wonderful dinner, then went out to the porch to watch the black-tailed deer that had crossed over from the meadow to graze. By this point not only was Mt. Rainier blanketed, but the peaks of the other Cascades had disappeared as well, down to the surrounding tree line.

The Parable

It was then that God showed me one of his object lessons. As I took in the cloud-shrouded meadow something occurred to me. If someone had been taken up to the park blindfolded, led to a rocker on the porch where I sat, and then asked where they were, only those familiar with the inn itself would have guessed they were sitting across from Mt. Rainier's peak. There was nothing visible to indicate we were in the mountains, much less on the most massive mountain in the Cascades. Given that scenario—taken blindfolded to the site—one would have to accept by faith that he or she was even there at all. One might even conclude that a joke was being played—after all, this could be the foothills of any mountain chain in the U.S., or even just a hilly region for that matter. The fact of the matter is, that one could be sitting where we were—actually on Mt. Rainier itself overlooking the shrouded peak—and never know there was even a peak around, much less a whole chain of them. In fact, one could resolutely refuse to believe the assurances of others in the group that the peak really was there, afraid of being played the fool or assuming it was just a ruse.

The Lesson

So how does all of this apply to where you are during the wait? Sometimes we have a dream to receive or experience something special in our lives, and over time we feel God's promise that this will come to pass. We may catch a glimpse of what is to be, receive a prophecy, or start down a path that seems clear and straightforward. Then somewhere along the way, when we should be getting closer to the fulfillment of the promise, attainment of the thing hoped for, things suddenly get very cloudy. Just when we seem to be arriving to the destination, life's storms blow in and shrowd the very promise that once appeared to be a stone's throw away. We hope, wait, and hold on, but rather than conditions improving, the clouds build and shrowd not only the promised land, but all of the surrounding countryside. Before long, we're left sitting in front of an impenetrable, mirky shroud of doubt that causes us to wonder whether we will ever actually reach the place of promise or whether we've come this far—made our escape from Egypt—only to "die in the wilderness."

Alternatively, maybe we've dared to dream, received the promise by faith, and then been taken blindfolded into an unknown land where we're assured by God that what we're looking for, hoping for, longing for is right in front of us. We simply have to believe enough to wait on the Lord to clear out the storms—the obstacles—standing between us and that summit. Will we wait, or will we fear being played the fool again (as we were before by others) or being part of some cosmic joke, and leave for a seemingly better destination, when we'd only needed to wait for the clouds to part so we could enter our land of destiny?

In Isaiah 43:18–19 (NIV, emphasis mine), our Father tells us: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."

We often get bound up in the experiences of our past and do not perceive the new thing that God is doing. We complain and fret about living with circumstances that are shrowded in uncertainty and we're often tempted to give up. But the Lord encourages us to allow him to give us strength and power so that we can withstand the wait:

"Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, 'My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God'? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:27–31 (NIV).

God's Timing

I never did get to see Rainier's peak while we were actually on the mountain, and I won't tell you that I was not disappointed. I prayed for God to blow away the clouds and the storm. I acknowledged his power to do so and fully believed he could if he wanted to. I waited, and continued to pursue a glimpse, but to no avail. The time came for us to drive back to Seattle to catch our flight home, and I had to accept that we weren't going to accomplish the primary purpose of our trip. I'd come all that way, seemingly for nothing.

Hope Renewed

As we got up the next morning and made our way to the airport, the weather was much worse than the previous day. The clouds had turned to showers, and the skies were dark. As our flight climbed heavenward, I was disappointed to hear passengers remark on the other side of the plane that they could see Mt. Rainier. This was seemingly my last chance of the trip, and I was missing it again while others were getting to enjoy the view. Even worse, the passengers across the aisle in my row had decided to watch a video and already had their window screens closed. Because of their disdain for the scenery, I was missing it too. Just my luck, I thought glumly.

Imagine my surpise when within minutes my son said he saw the mountain. I was sure he had to be mistaken, but while I had been sulking, we'd altered course and the peak was now visible from our side of the plane.

I watched in amazement as we passed by the mountain, able to grasp the majesty not only of the peak, but the surrounding rivers of snow and ice cascading from its summit. There was not one cloud in the sky.

In that moment I realized yet again that God's ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts higher than our thoughts. My dreams were realized of experiencing the beauty of the mountain on a much grander scale than I would have seen at ground level. It was only from his perspective—looking down from the heavenlies—that I was able to grasp all that was there, the extent of its wonder.

How like God. Though he had not worked things out according to my timing or plans, he worked them out none the less and gave me all I was hoping for and more. And he did it on what had started as the stormiest of days, when all hope had seemed lost for that trip. How like him to deliver on a promise and teach a lesson all at the same time.

While you wait on the Lord, don't give up on his promises to you, no matter how stormy your circumstances may get. The clouds don't change the reality of the promised land that you are standing on. Continue to wait on the Lord. Know that his plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future. Expect him to come through with exceedingly, abundantly above all you could ask or think. He's a good God and all good things come from him no matter how things may appear in the moment. When you least expect it, he'll part the clouds and reveal his majesty in a way that's sure to inspire awe. In the meantime, know that he loves you with an unfailing love and that his mercies endure forever.

Seven Years to the Day

Here I sit seven years to the day since my divorce was finalized. I can't believe seven years have already passed. If you had asked me then what this day would look like, the reality I would have described would have looked nothing like this. Isn't that the way life is, though? Never what we expect. Sometimes worse, but usually much better.

So here is what I would tell you about these past seven years:

1. I am so much stronger than I was before. God has taught me that He is my provider, my protector, and my inspiration, and I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. During the past seven years, He has seen me through six mission trips to Russia, two professional positions, and restarting my own business. He's taught me that I could live peacefully and confidently on my own without having to rely on an earthly man to run the household (not that it won't be nice to have that man in the household some day).

2. Learning to use power tools is not rocket science. I've not only mastered an array of screwdrivers, plyers, and a hammer, but I've been pretty successful with a power drill as well. It comes down to being willing to try and fail. That's why God created spackle (or at least inspired its creation). In the spiritual realm, He called it mercy and grace. We're way too afraid of the "What if this doesn't go right or turn out like I planned?" to try a lot of what God has for our lives. One of the greatest gifts of suffering a catastrophe and recovering is experiencing the freedom that comes with knowing that anything that isn't fatal really can be used for your good.

3. God still enjoys showing off. I've been witness to my aunt's miraculous healing from a brain aneurism, my own instantaneous healing from a torn ligament around my right ankle, and several additional healings (including a woman with an issue of blood, a man with back and shoulder injuries, and another woman with severe allergies) for other people I've had the opportunity to intercede for. Wow!

4. God not only heals us physically, but He is a master restorer of relationships. He took what was a terribly broken, dysfunctional mess with my ex-husband, and created a successful co-parenting effort that works pretty well most of the time. (Let's just say it's a far cry from the days I cowered in fear and prayed that my then-husband wouldn't kill me.)

5. I've learned that having faith requires...well lots of faith. And prayer. And encouragement. And perseverance. And Jesus, lots of Jesus. In fact, more than anything else, Jesus. Real faith requires a vivid understanding, on most days at least, of just how much He loves each of us individually. We have to know that His promises are true because He is Truth. And when Jesus says that He will never leave us or forsake us, we know that this is true because He cannot lie. No matter who else leaves, no matter what other betrayal happens, He is sharing life - and life more abundantly - with us for all eternity.

6. God has used this time to allow me to rediscover who I am, the gifts He's given me, the dreams I'd long ago surrendered, and the endless possibilities of where He will take me in this life and on into eternity. Again, once everything you thought you were and wanted is ripped out from under you, you have the choice to see this as an opportunity for new possibilties. With God all things are possible, and He is able to do exceedingly above all that we could ask or imagine. Think big. Dream big. Have big faith, because you serve a big God!

7. Today is a gift from God, and I have to be intentional about seeing it that way. I woke up this morning because He had something to bless me with today as well as work to accomplish through me today. He already knew this day assigned to me and had a good plan for it. If I wake again tomorrow, it will be for the same reasons. With each day that comes I will have the choice to focus on the good of the day or to slog around in the muck and mire of difficult circumstances that cross my path. Don't get me wrong. Some days, I find myself slogging through the pit, but thankfully, God has greatly minimized my tolerance for being willing to stay there.

So here I sit. Seven years to the day since my divorce was finalized. I feel good, really good about how far God has brought me. And I am oh so excited about where He is taking me. Who knows where that will be? Who knows everything He has planned? I don't know, but I trust the One who does.

Power in You

From my journal, August 4, 2010

This was a word of encouragement the Lord spoke over me that I think is appropriate for all of His children. I pray that it will build you up and give you hope!

“I love you with an everlasting love. My power lives in you and cannot be carried off as the ark was carried off in the day of Eli. Do not fear. I am always with you, in you, surrounding you. Do not despair when you face challenges. Do not give up when you feel weak—give in to my power. Surrender yourself—your ideas, goals, dreams—to me. Surrender your plans for the future. Seek first my kingdom, and all these things will be added unto you.

You are not rejected but protected. Stand firm and do not let the enemy re-conquer the promised land that you have taken. Do not surrender to fear or depression or hardship, but revel in my miracle-working power that is working in you, through you, and around you.”

Deep Calls to Deep

"Deep calls to deep" is a phrase that the Lord has been speaking over me for a couple of months now. On Sunday, I was inspired to pen this poem.

Deep Calls to Deep

In the stillness of the chaos hides the quiet of the deep
stirred and stirring, cool and dark
tucked away beneath the waves
that blow and drive and toss about.

'Neath the surface—'neath the current
in the stillness of the deep
is a solace in the quiet—is a silence
quite complete.

Shadows comfort, seldom broken
by light's harsh, intruding glare—
life imagined—fast unfolding
moving, tossing, tumbling, rare.

In the stillness of the deep
in the quiet of its slumber
calls another to its other
draw closer now, draw closer still.

One spring comforts, fills another,
joins together, bubbles up
breaks the surface, braves the storm front
billows forward—forms as one.

“When” Times

Is it just me, or do you often find that the reality of life has a way of running over the religious doctrine that teaches that, if you’re a Christian, life will always be good or that even if it's not good, you need to pretend that it is? Oh, it’s not often stated that directly, but challenging times, times that make us wonder whether we really are alone in the world, doubts and despair, are often quickly dismissed by well-meaning Christians who interpret these feelings as a lack of faith or spiritual immaturity.

Here’s the truth of the matter, straight from Jesus: “In this world you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world."

You and I need to know that. There’s power in knowing that. Why? Because often when we have trouble the enemy starts to work on us. Are we in sin? Where did we mess up? What did we do that we shouldn’t have done or not do that we should have done? Yes, sometimes, we are in sin, or we have messed up, or we’ve been lazy or acted when we shouldn’t have. Sometimes we bring trouble on ourselves. But a lot of times, we just have trouble. It’s just a part of life. Things break. People fail us purely out of their own humanity. We get caught up in natural disasters or economic crashes completely not of our making. What then?


Not If, but When

I call these the “when” times, because it’s not a matter of if we will face difficulties but when. These “whens” are coming, so what do we need to know about them when they do?

“But now, this is what the LORD says—he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior …’” Isaiah 43:1–3 (NIV)

The Message paraphrase puts it this way: “But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel: ‘Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end—Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior.’”

In the “when” times, you and I can know that God is with us as our savior, redeemer, provider, rescuer—anything we need. That’s where the “take heart, I’ve overcome the world” reminder comes into the picture.


You Are Not Alone

Joshua, Moses’ right-hand man, was in a “when” time. Lots of them as a matter of fact. But this particular “when” came with a huge amount of responsibility, pressure, and risk. After wandering around the wilderness for 40 years with Moses and millions of doubting, recently freed Israelites, Moses died.

The figurehead of the nation, the man who sat with God and came back with the Ten Commandments—not once but twice—was gone. The leader through whom God had worked countless miracles of deliverance and provision died, and they didn’t even have his bones to bury, because the Lord took him and buried him in an unknown place.

The Israelites grieved for 30 days, and Scripture records: “Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the LORD knew face to face, who did all those miraculous signs and wonders the LORD sent him to do in Egypt—to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land. For no one has ever shown the mighty power or performed the awesome deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel” Deuteronomy 34:10–12 (NIV).

So here’s Joshua. His leader—the nation’s leader, unsurpassed prophet and miracle worker—is dead. And who gets to lead the millions who’ve been doubting, murmuring, and complaining, and are now grieving, into the Promised Land? Joshua. Thanks for that, God. No pressure there. This is the same land that was filled with giants in the spies’ report 40 years ago. That’s not changed. It’s still occupied territory. This is an exponentially challenging “when” time.

God understood this. He knew that Joshua was facing a difficult—impossible in his own strength and wisdom—proposition. God knew that Joshua was afraid and doubtful of their chances for success. How do I know this? Because God took the time, not once but three times, to build him up and assure him that God was right in the middle of this “when” and they were guaranteed the victory.

The third time, God said, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” Joshua 1:9 (NIV).

If you’re in a “when” time that seems overwhelming and unsalvageable, I encourage you to read the book of Joshua and all of the ways that God showed out during the “whens.” I promise, you’ll be inspired. But for now, here’s what you need to know about this story:

“So the LORD gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. The LORD gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; the LORD handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled,” Joshua 21:43–45 NIV.

Oh, yeah, the people of Israel experienced some “when” times. They met dirt, grime, war, hardships, and defeats along the way to the Promised Land, but when it was all said and done, they had complete victory.


Know This

You, too, will endure some "when" times, but with God—who goes with you anywhere you go—you are empowered with everything you need to handle them: You are more than a conqueror. The one who is in you (God’s Spirit) is greater than anything you may face in the world. No weapon formed against you will prevail. God will never leave you or forsake you.

Because of your faith in Jesus, you are God’s child. And if you and I, who are human, know how to give good gifts to our kids, how much more does God know how to give good things to us when we ask?

Lastly, maybe you’re not the one in a “when” time, but someone you love is. In addition to your prayers for them, what do they need from you? “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15 (NLT). Be there for them through their doubts and fears. Laugh with them and cry with them. Encourage them about the victory that will come through God’s faithfulness and power despite the “when.”

“In this world you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world." That victory is not a matter of if but when!

Girl's Got Some Issues

It was three o'clock in the morning, and I remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting in his mother's den, I was frantic that Rob (my then-boyfriend, now ex-husband) was not home and had not called. As I cried to his mother and wondered aloud whether we should call the highway patrol and the emergency rooms, she seemed surprisingly noncommittal. Did I really think that something had happened to Rob? She supposed that he was just out having a good time with friends.

"No," I fervently protested. "That's just not like him not to call." I was only 19 or 20 at the time and didn't realize then all of the scared, lonely nights that lay before me. The reality was that he was out with friends having a good time that night and had not thought to call. In the years to come, it became "my" issue. Didn't I know better than to think he was dead in a ditch somewhere?

Over time, the problem escalated to the point that despite my worry for him, I did believe that it was more likely than not that he would make it home sometime late into the night, extremely intoxicated and not in the least sorry for the concern that he had caused. As the years went by, my fear was slowly replaced by anger and bitterness that were kept at bay on all but the worst nights when he'd come home drunk and amorous and not wanting to accept no for an answer.

This came to an abrupt end three years into our marriage with a phone call I received in the middle of a sunny, hot Texas afternoon. "Ask your husband about Diane," was the first thing the anonymous caller said.

"What?"

"Ask your husband who he was with last night."

"Who are you and why are you calling here?"

"Because I think you should know that your husband was out with Diane all night."

I stood there shocked and appalled as the caller hung up. In the midst of all my previous feelings of fear and anger, it had never occurred to me that Rob would actually be out with another woman. I know that sounds naive, but despite any other issues, we were really good friends who enjoyed each other's company and an active, adventurous sex life. What reason would he possibly have for stepping out with someone else?

When Rob returned home that evening, he answered my questions with, "Don't be ridiculous. I may have been dancing with girls at the club last night, but I wasn't out with anyone." Pressed further, my fears were deemed "crazy," and I was warned not to become one of "those controlling, obsessive wives."

To my credit, the latest escalation was enough to make me demand we go to marriage counseling. It was a grueling, weekly process with each session ending in a near-migraine headache. Rob stood his ground. He was not having, nor had he ever had, an affair.

Life-Changing Phone Call

After nearly six months in marriage counseling and sober, responsible, repentant behavior on Rob's part, I came to the conclusion that we were ready to phase out of the counseling. There hadn't been any more anonymous calls, unexplained debit charges, or late nights out. Rob was as attentive as he had been when we first started dating.

And then the break-through bleeding started. At first, I chalked it up to the stress of graduate school, but when the issues continued, I made an appointment to see my gynecologist. Dr. Casanova's office (yes, that was his real name) called me at work with the news that I had Chlamydia. Thankfully, Chlamydia is a curable STD. Let me qualify: The physical symptoms are curable. The emotional after-effects of being infected with an STD by your husband last years after the antibiotics have killed any bacteria.

I sat in my office, mouth agape, as I asked the doctor's office to explain again my diagnosis. Was it possible that I had been infected prior to my marriage, more than three years ago? No. Was it possible that I could have contracted it from some public place, like a restroom? No. The facts were these: I had been in what I thought was a committed relationship for more than seven years (three of those married), and during that time, the man I was committed to had exposed me to an STD.

We've Got Something We Need to Talk About
Rob arrived home from work to find me waiting at the kitchen table that evening. "We've got something we need to talk about," I said quietly.

"What?" the abrupt response.

As I told him the news from the doctor's office that day, he looked at me without flinching and said, "So who have you been screwing around with, because I don't have any disease!"

I'm quite sure it would have stung less to have him punch me in the face than to hear those words. Rob was the only man with whom I'd ever had sexual intercourse. Within a matter of hours, I'd been forced to face the fact that not only was that not true for him during the course of our marriage, but that he was going to try to blame me for this.

For once, I got angry. Furious. When he realized that I was not about to accept that, he made his way back to our bedroom. Still sitting at the kitchen table, crying quietly now, I heard a distinct noise. Sprinting back to the bedroom, I found him sitting on the side of the bed with a gun, cocked, against his temple. Tearfully, Rob admitted that he was the one who'd had the affair but swore that it had been a one-night stand. (I've never understood how that was supposed to make it better, even if I'd believed—even then—that it was the truth.)

Within a matter of weeks, he was battling an issue that appeared to be cancer of the lymph nodes, and I retreated fully into co-dependent, nursing role. Following surgery, recovery, and a good prognosis, we decided to reconcile. We traveled to Las Vegas on our wedding anniversary and renewed our vows at Graceland Wedding Chapel with an officiant who was dressed as Elvis. (Yes, really...) Life leveled out and stayed on what seemed to be a pretty even keel until I became pregnant with our son.

The Reader's Digest version of the story is this: With Austin's birth came Rob's jealousies for my time and attention and the old drinking behaviors. Within two years, he was staying out again, and all of the red flags were back about extramarital flings. This time, however, things were worse. He now became obsessed with the idea that I was having affairs, that men were hitting on me, that I was looking for a reason to leave him. After 12 years of marriage, and another failed attempt at marriage counseling and reconciliation, I came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do was divorce. The terror and difficulty of those times have been discussed in other blog posts, but the last straw came one night when he broke into the house, and I thought he would kill us both.

The Ghost of Terror Past

Flash forward seven years and an emotional and spiritual lifetime. Here's why I'm sharing this ancient history with you. Because, to my dismay, the feelings of those memories are not quite so ancient. Surprise (and not a good one)!

"John" and I have been developing a friendship for a little over a month now. I really like him and respect him. He's kind, brilliant, and gentlemanly with a dry wit. I enjoy time spent with him, and I can imagine us developing a lifelong friendship—or more.

We've now been out as friends on several occasions, and we often text late into the night just sharing life with each other. In all regards, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, it would be impossible for him to be any more different from Rob.

Last week, I was on a family vacation to Mexico for the week. I returned Sunday afternoon, and that evening and the next, we resumed our routine of texting late into the night. Tuesday was my first day back to work, and celebrating the end of the day, I sent him a text to proclaim that I'd survived and to inquire about his day. No response.

As the evening progressed, I started to feel a spiritual heaviness for him (not relating to the two of us but to him particularly). I've been given the gift of intercessory prayer so it's not unusual for me to begin to feel a real burden for someone. By nine that evening, I was so concerned that I sent him an encouraging email and pasted in one of my blog posts (about God bringing life to the dead areas in our lives) as a pick-me-up. No response.

By the next afternoon, the old panic was back. I sent another text—with a funny, light tone—asking him to let me know that he was okay. No response. Thirty minutes later, I called and left a short voice mail, expressing the same concern and request. No response. The fear that began to grip me was distracting. "John" lives by himself. While he's in good general health, he does have high blood pressure. What if something had happened? What if he was hurt or injured and there was no one there to help?

Suddenly all of the old scripts began to play in my head. He's off with another woman. He's drunk somewhere or in trouble with the law. (Rob had three DUIs in an 8-year span.) I had absolutely no reason to think any of these things. He's not had any behaviors to indicate that he would do these sorts of things. The reality was, here were old hurts for which I still need to receive healing. Ouch!

Let's Get Real

Around six o-clock that evening, "John" texted to let me know that he was out of town working in Pensacola. He had received my Facebook message and "had no time to process and respond." He apologized and wished me well for the day. Of course, he had mentioned to me on Monday that he was trying to pull a work trip together to the Panhandle. This was not his issue. It was mine.

As I related this to a Christian girlfriend of mine, she reminded me of one of the passages that God keeps bringing to mind in this process: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" (Phillipians 4:8, NIV).

As this relationship develops, time and again, I've had to remember these two things:
(1) Satan is a liar, the father of all lies, and there is no truth in him. Of course, he'd like nothing better than to destroy a beautiful friendship with fear and doubt.
(2) God is faithful. I don't trust myself to make relationship decisions yet, and I don't know "John" well enough to trust him. But I do trust God to lead me where I should go in this, to speak to me about His will for me, and to work all things together for my good.

Who would have thought that receiving the very thing you've been waiting on for seven years might demand more faith than the wait itself. Thankfully, God is with me—and you—every step of the way!

Intruder Alert!

"Shields up! Shields up! Intruder alert!" (Sirons blaring in the background...) That insidious alarm has been replaying in my head since a little over a week ago when I first met a man I will refer to as “John.” But I'm getting ahead of myself here.


Protected Not Rejected

Perhaps you've read some of my earlier posts where I've talked about the deal God and I have. Me to God, "I don't want to date until you're ready to send me a godly husband. I don't want just any man; I want the man."

A couple of years into this conversation, after I'd not received even an invitation out to coffee with a man—and I'd not been hiding in my house that whole time—I got frustrated and demanded of God, "What am I...a troll?"

His response, "Do you want to date or not? Because you told me that you don't want to date."

Silence. My reluctant, "You've got a point." (Picture pages flying off a calendar as years go by.)

If you had asked me two months ago (and seven years separated/divorced) whether I was ready for God to bring this to pass, I would have given you a very snide "duh" and an eyeball roll as a response. Imagine my surprise when even the thought of someone who could possibly be that man entering my life sent me into panic.


This Is Not a Drill

Before going any further, let me throw in one disclaimer to the story. I am not expecting that a couple of dates and a few weeks into the process have established that my godly future husband has suddenly appeared. “John” is a Christian, very intriguing, intimidatingly intelligent and gifted, and a gentleman. If this new friendship were one day to develop into a marriage that God put together, that would be wonderful. But regardless of what happens with this specific situation, the first thing it did was shine a prison-break spotlight onto some areas of my life that I thought were healed.

1. The aforementioned panic alarm: I haven't heard such wailing and carrying on since I was in the throws of my divorce.
2. Vain imaginations: “John” called one evening to describe the beautiful sunset he was seeing on the way home. He then went on to talk about talented musician friends of his with whom he'd spent the day. As he was saying this, the alarm siren changed to: "He's been off smoking pot and having sex with wild women all day?" “John” was describing the lake, swans, sunset, and all of the beauty around him, and I'm buying a bottle of wine to deal with the fears about what he's really been up to that day. Irrational. The only saving grace was that I knew such thoughts were ridiculous as they were careening around my head, but that didn't stop them.
3. Inability to sleep: If I get to sleep, I don't stay asleep. When I am asleep, I'm plagued with worrisome dreams.

Calling in Reinforcements

To my credit, it only took a few days of this before I decided enough was enough. I called my pastor and asked to meet that afternoon. He is well aware of the vast history of betrayal on every level of my marriage and the terror I lived with at the end and through my first two single years after divorce.

Gene listened quietly as I sobbed my way through a recitation of some of the worst of it before reiterating the non-dating agreement with the Lord. When I had finished, he smiled and kindly remarked: “When did you make a vow with the enemy that you were never going to let anyone get close to you ever again? That you would never let anyone in to hurt you again? Because you may have declared that as a temporary relief to your pain, but Satan took that as a contract. If you are going to move forward in a relationship, and I don't think that God has called you to a life of singleness, then you are going to have to be willing to renounce and repent of that vow.”

I was shocked at the truth of his remarks. I had made that vow. Every day for months on end as I went into survival mode in that marriage. Even more days as I transitioned through the divorce. There is was, and it was clear. That was exactly what I had done.


Should Be Simple Enough to Fix

Problem recognized. Solution identified. Implement solution. Live happily ever after.

That's not how it went. Problem recognized. Solution identified. Recoil from idea of even considering renouncing that vow. Beyond the emotional jolt, the physical reaction those words caused in me left me sitting there in silence for a moment. I finally responded, "I can't pray that right now. I'm too afraid of what that will mean. But I am willing to pray for the courage to renounce it."

So that's where we started. We prayed for the courage to renounce the vow.


Work in Progress

I share this with you to say that once you've been wounded in a divorce, it's not uncommon to want to protect yourself from such deep hurt ever again. Stop and consider your own situation: Have you made such a vow? Have you effectively walled yourself off from the blessing of any future mate God wants to bring into your life? Maybe, like me, even the thought of renouncing that vow is too difficult. But you can also pray for the courage to do so. God is willing to go with you one step at a time.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9 (NIV). Like Joshua, sometimes the scary places that we need God to walk with us in are actual physical locations, such as into a mission field. But many times, they are emotional places, old memories, current insecurities that are still rooted in the dark places that we may not even be aware of.
Trust God with those dark places. Let Him shine a light into that darkness and drive out any fear. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV).


Knowing Who to Trust

As for me, the alarm bells have been silenced for the most part. Every now and then, they start back up, but at a much quieter level. When they begin again, I go back to God with this prayer: “I don’t yet trust my ability to make a sound choice regarding a man. And I don’t yet know ‘John’ well enough to trust that he could be that choice. But I do trust you, Lord, and I choose to focus my mind on that trust."

No matter where you are in your own journey, as believers we all have this in common: We are all called to live by faith and not by sight and to depend on the Lord step by step. Let's keep stepping and watch and see where the Lord leads us. It's guaranteed to be somewhere great!